excuse me i just... need to wipe my drool off..
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Sunday, October 31, 2010
what a trip
Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.
The seriousness of your love:
You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?
Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.
What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.
Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.
http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.
The seriousness of your love:
You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?
Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.
What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.
Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.
http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
may you always be
as much as relationships trip me out... the aftermath of it all proves the most astounding (to me). boggles my mind how you can have this long, meaningful, drama-filled, emotions-on-high relationship and then when it's all said and done (keyword: done), and you've moved on... you're like, well... simply enough, a different person.
you're not the person that texts them randomly during the day anymore. you're no longer the person that saved that text message. and you sure aren't the person who's been saving up for that 3rd year anniversary surprise because... well there's no third year anniversary anymore.
your fingers don't automatically dial his number when something terrible just happened. maybe they're dialing someone else's number now. maybe you just stopped leaning on the support of others overall. you're no longer that person that relies on him to be your rock.
it's not like due to the break-up... you don't care about that person anymore... you're just.. a different person without them. and you're a different person with him. and the him after that. and every "him" before.
don't assume i don't care, because i do. i just don't think it's fair to me or you to tell you all the time that i still care because what... what good is that going to do? it's going to put us back in reverse and that's the last thing we need. i'm friends with all of my exes who meant something to me... because i won't front, y'all still do. i wish you the best of the best and that you find love and happiness somewhere and at some time. even if it wasn't with me, even if we didn't make it work, i would have never gotten at you if i didn't care about you.
in fact, i wouldn't have went as far as being your girlfriend, if i didn't care about you a lot. so, don't ever wonder if i don't care. i do. i'm just... different.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
day, dream, i fell asleep beneath the flowers
read this.
please?
pretty please?
with not just two, but three cherries on top.
it will be the constant reminder that if you live without passion, you are not living. you are simply just existing.
follow your dreams.
this definitely cured a huge helping of my "cold feet" about the future. :) hope it does the same for someone else.
thank you, ryan naritaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
please?
pretty please?
with not just two, but three cherries on top.
it will be the constant reminder that if you live without passion, you are not living. you are simply just existing.
follow your dreams.
this definitely cured a huge helping of my "cold feet" about the future. :) hope it does the same for someone else.
thank you, ryan naritaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Sunday, October 10, 2010
gobble gobble
i am thankful for....
God
friends to miss
love to hold
lessons to learn
family to humble
food to eat
a warm bed
good health
opportunity
freedom
positive vibes
everything
God
friends to miss
love to hold
lessons to learn
family to humble
food to eat
a warm bed
good health
opportunity
freedom
positive vibes
everything
Saturday, October 9, 2010
back to the basics
Name: maria nguyen what uppp
Nickname(s): mo, momo, nugget, nugger, mars, reah, mareezie, mareeeeezy, mamacita, 'nene.
Age: 17
Current Location: edmonton, word.
Eye Color: light brown
Hair Color: open for interpretation
Height: 4'11 - 5'0 depending on the time of the day
Zodiac Sign: saggy
Crushing?: i crush bitches, that's what mah papi say.
Pets: allergic to everything but water and sex songs
Job: famoso pizza, shaw conference center.
Special Talent/Skills: i place stickers like a bawse
Fears: being homeless or in debt
Bedtime: when my face gets sleepy!
Parents’ Relationship: i have parents
Piercings: tongue, nose, belly button, ears.
Tattoos: "family" in kanji on my back
Siblings: 1 younger hermana, 1 older hermana, 1 older hermano.
Favourite colour(s): invisibility
Favorite Animal: axolotl, dragon.
Favorite Bands/Artists: talent
Why *Blogspot?: to keep myself in check, holla.
go girl, its yo birthday...
actually, my birthday is december 3rd. it's soon.. not that soon but time flies! also i hear about it every day so i'm allowed to be excited. oh and it isn't like i planned the entire weekend of my big day already (sike)... or that i will finally be legal... but i have constructed a list of things that i will hopefully be able to grab for myself or receive as a gift?! =) i love things.
usually i deck out for my own birthday.
i don't know.
me and myself, we tight you know.
i got my back.
that's word.
let's gooo.
or any hardcover book with pictures of anything i'm interested in
choices include (but are not limited to):
fashion
food
black guys
doodles
monsters and/or aliens
(i will also be [happily] accepting comic books... any comic books)
doodles
monsters and/or aliens
(i will also be [happily] accepting comic books... any comic books)
third and final book of The Hunger Games :))))
little monster stickers... preferably wall decals!
but i fucks with any stickers.
... because it's about basketball.
AND ITS WRITTEN BY MITCH ALBOM.
a strapless black dress to get my fancy on.
my two unicorns ariana & larita
HELLA miss the three of us together
HELLA miss the three of us together
completely and absolutely this.
miss you
miss you
food. lots and lots of food.
a new blackberry :(
applecare
a new york cheesecake cupcake... mmmmm
a toaster. no seriously.
a toaster. no seriously.
i think that's all. for now.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
whenever love knocks tell it to come in, because refusal might lead to 'never again'
i want... love.
*deep inhale*
*hold it*
*slow exhale*
*pause*
yes i do.
it doesn't have to come right now... but i would be lying if i said that i would be content if i was near approaching thirty (even like... twenty five) and there wasn't some handsome man who i spoke to every day, that i knew in my heart, absolutely frickin loved me.
i want rain or shine. the kind of love that could withstand hundreds of miles. love that suffocates and steals short, long, and deep breaths, all at the same time.
i want the-best-part-of-my-day. the kind you can rely on and not question after each/any fight. a love that doesn't blame. i want the hard work and not the easy way out. i want the little things (they really DO matter the most).
i want the face that never leaves my brain. i want whatever i can get and it still ain't enough. i wanna be sprungggg. i want that let'sstaytogether-algreen. i want slow kisses and warm embraces (not hugs). i want to look into someones eyes and wonder how this angel got lost and decided he actually found heaven with me (rofflemywaffle).
and a lot more... i want to be surprised now and then by love by what i knew all along. i want to hear "you guys will have no problems" after one glance at us. i want THAT GOOD GOOD!
but i am patient.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
happy first of the month
eaaaasily the most frustrating day of my life. at least the bullshit is somewhat entertaining.
this will keep me sane
fuck aaaalll yallll
this will keep me sane
fuck aaaalll yallll
wish you best of luck, now im finna throw them deuces up
lately these days i've been super picky with people. anything such as taking too long to reply, hearing from people who i never speak to asking for favours, or people who i barely remember (or even know, matter of fact) asking me if i wanna go eat like we been homie'd up for years - makes me throw my phone to the other side of the room. i aint hatin or nothin like that... it just seems to get easier each day to weed out the questionable "friendships" from the real ones.
i hear my friends complaining about their friends and all i ever have to say is "kill that shit. because it's DEAD WEIGHT."
i find myself getting annoyed with people who squeeze right into that category. dead weight relationships. excessive negativity. un-necessary contacts. flakes. people who have nothing better to do with their time so they hit up everyone they can who they assume will listen.
i swear i spend more of my time ignoring people than i do responding to them.
maybe that's my bad, maybe i have a problem where i can only open up to certain people, and a bigger problem where i only keep in touch with people who i feel like i can open up to.
cause i mean... if i have enough friends who i can hit up regularly and continue to manifest substance-filled, reliable, growing friendships, why would i sweat myself to maintain shitty, low-key, un-exciting, stand-still contacts?
if i have enough bomb ass friends... it's kind of common sense that i could just be like "fuck all yall who aint them" because it's not like they make the effort to be, right? they just front. the ones who make an overwhelming amount of plans so they can cancel on this person for that person, and twitter about that lunch with this "homie," or put up pictures on facebook of the dinner with those girls. they just need people to pencil in so it looks like they have a life. relationship-dependent people who need to look like they are wanted by others.
but for real, i ain't the one. don't turn to me cause someone flaked on you, i have better things to do. there is a difference between wanting to genuinely catch up with a person and then wanting to fill a void in your life with different people. i find myself automatically replying with a, "yeh i'd be down, hit me up when you're free i'll let you know what's up" - just to be courteous, even though i know i won't hear from them, and quite frankly i'm content with not having to.
i've adjusted to abundance of friendship in my life, and my homies... they always come through. rain or shine. the ones who i know will provide good company out of friendship, and not out of convenience. the ones who see kickin it as just kickin it, not an 8PM appointment on a saturday. to this day, i still get excited over seeing my BEST FRIENDS, who i just saw the other day. who ask specific questions and tell me things i care about enough to not go ADD the second their mouths produce sound.
and some of you may be reading this thinking... "i don't give a fuck what you have to tell me anyway" and you know why? cause you're that person. the exact one i been writing about. the one who treats people as if they are indispensable, because you have too much of a hard time having a relationship with yourself. the one who expects attention from others but disposes of them when asked to hold up your half of the friendship. that's cool though, i don't give a fuck either. you're just dead weight.
i hear my friends complaining about their friends and all i ever have to say is "kill that shit. because it's DEAD WEIGHT."
i find myself getting annoyed with people who squeeze right into that category. dead weight relationships. excessive negativity. un-necessary contacts. flakes. people who have nothing better to do with their time so they hit up everyone they can who they assume will listen.
i swear i spend more of my time ignoring people than i do responding to them.
maybe that's my bad, maybe i have a problem where i can only open up to certain people, and a bigger problem where i only keep in touch with people who i feel like i can open up to.
cause i mean... if i have enough friends who i can hit up regularly and continue to manifest substance-filled, reliable, growing friendships, why would i sweat myself to maintain shitty, low-key, un-exciting, stand-still contacts?
if i have enough bomb ass friends... it's kind of common sense that i could just be like "fuck all yall who aint them" because it's not like they make the effort to be, right? they just front. the ones who make an overwhelming amount of plans so they can cancel on this person for that person, and twitter about that lunch with this "homie," or put up pictures on facebook of the dinner with those girls. they just need people to pencil in so it looks like they have a life. relationship-dependent people who need to look like they are wanted by others.
but for real, i ain't the one. don't turn to me cause someone flaked on you, i have better things to do. there is a difference between wanting to genuinely catch up with a person and then wanting to fill a void in your life with different people. i find myself automatically replying with a, "yeh i'd be down, hit me up when you're free i'll let you know what's up" - just to be courteous, even though i know i won't hear from them, and quite frankly i'm content with not having to.
i've adjusted to abundance of friendship in my life, and my homies... they always come through. rain or shine. the ones who i know will provide good company out of friendship, and not out of convenience. the ones who see kickin it as just kickin it, not an 8PM appointment on a saturday. to this day, i still get excited over seeing my BEST FRIENDS, who i just saw the other day. who ask specific questions and tell me things i care about enough to not go ADD the second their mouths produce sound.
and some of you may be reading this thinking... "i don't give a fuck what you have to tell me anyway" and you know why? cause you're that person. the exact one i been writing about. the one who treats people as if they are indispensable, because you have too much of a hard time having a relationship with yourself. the one who expects attention from others but disposes of them when asked to hold up your half of the friendship. that's cool though, i don't give a fuck either. you're just dead weight.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
i never thought i was capable, but... here i am
and what's unfair is...
is that i'm here
and you're there
(sometimes i think she just digs into my heart and puts down the words i can't seem to say. just much, much more beautifully)
is that i'm here
and you're there
(sometimes i think she just digs into my heart and puts down the words i can't seem to say. just much, much more beautifully)
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
might i fancy
- i love familiarity. i love hearing the sound of a confirmed video call on ichat and having an uncontrollable smile the second it's loaded. i love the sound of screenshots, especially when they are not of my own doing. i love friendship mixed with flirting and lust and other emotions to balance it all out (ie. ummm frustration? stress? horse shit? yep).
-i love getting excited to see my best friends and feeling a rush of content when they come through. tutut girl is that you? "oh YO! blah blah" and i love how hilarious all my homies are. homieostatis, and conglomerated unicorns. and i love lamp.
- i love when people ask me/tell me something about my blog... seriously. i love it... i love it.
- i love detail and i am more likely to surround myself with people who pay attention to detail... seriously, befriend my two best friends larita & ariana and they will probably remember a stain on your shirt three years from now. strange. i know. but detail is so sexy :)
- i love hearing people laugh... especially when it's because of me :)
- i love ginger ale, vanilla chapstick, and warm fall weather. i seriously get a dose of giddyness every single time i drive by yellow-leaved trees.
- i love wale's "more about nothing" oh my goodness gracious have you listened to that whole thing? people need to realize how much work wale puts into his shit. HIS DETAIL (again) is impeccable. it is probably like half of my daily music intake. he's sooooooo underrated.
- i love seeing people do things they normally don't do... and being a bit more than decent at it :). or i like seeing people go out of their (obvious) comfort zone. like when my white friends drink bubble tea and they like the sago. OR. when my favorite dancer decides (is forced) to blog. i am a proud mami. check out thebelife (breakEFX). drop 1 for my boy. hella hydraulics.
-i love getting excited to see my best friends and feeling a rush of content when they come through. tutut girl is that you? "oh YO! blah blah" and i love how hilarious all my homies are. homieostatis, and conglomerated unicorns. and i love lamp.
- i love when people ask me/tell me something about my blog... seriously. i love it... i love it.
- i love detail and i am more likely to surround myself with people who pay attention to detail... seriously, befriend my two best friends larita & ariana and they will probably remember a stain on your shirt three years from now. strange. i know. but detail is so sexy :)
- i love hearing people laugh... especially when it's because of me :)
- i love ginger ale, vanilla chapstick, and warm fall weather. i seriously get a dose of giddyness every single time i drive by yellow-leaved trees.
- i love wale's "more about nothing" oh my goodness gracious have you listened to that whole thing? people need to realize how much work wale puts into his shit. HIS DETAIL (again) is impeccable. it is probably like half of my daily music intake. he's sooooooo underrated.
- i love seeing people do things they normally don't do... and being a bit more than decent at it :). or i like seeing people go out of their (obvious) comfort zone. like when my white friends drink bubble tea and they like the sago. OR. when my favorite dancer decides (is forced) to blog. i am a proud mami. check out thebelife (breakEFX). drop 1 for my boy. hella hydraulics.
sometimes the easy way out is being mad
it's sad when you care about somebody and they just seem to piss you off.
it's also sad when that somebody doesn't seem to trust you.
they question your patience. your integrity. your morals.
it hurts most when they question the (unconditional) amount of love you have for them.
whether it's being blinded by someone else's opinions, or clouded by their own distrust...
it's bullshit. and it hurts.
when someone tells you to be successful so that they don't look dumb.
not because they care about whether or not you'll find content in your dreams,
nope, because they are worried about their own appearance to people who don't even MATTER.
serious bullshit.
it's also sad when that somebody doesn't seem to trust you.
they question your patience. your integrity. your morals.
it hurts most when they question the (unconditional) amount of love you have for them.
whether it's being blinded by someone else's opinions, or clouded by their own distrust...
it's bullshit. and it hurts.
when someone tells you to be successful so that they don't look dumb.
not because they care about whether or not you'll find content in your dreams,
nope, because they are worried about their own appearance to people who don't even MATTER.
serious bullshit.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
i hate whoever ain't you
i just wanted to be at peace with you
and if i gotta settle for a piece of you, then i gotta say peace to you
with all due respect i do respect you enough to expect
effort is all i ask
if we gonna last more, i gotta ask for more
and if that means that i'm askin for too much
i'm sure we'll end up as our last or.. past.
to you, you, and maybe even you.
it doesn't happen often, but sometimes i'm not myself. or i'm not the person i want to be. and sometimes it lasts for an hour, sometimes it lasts for a day, sometimes it lasts for a month. i try my best to steer away from it, but my biggest problem is not being able to admit that i feel that way when i do. to me, by telling you how i feel, i give my problems a 'status,' and i know more than anyone that when that happens, i have to face my problems. let's be real here, i've spent more time running away from my problems. habitual tendencies like that don't disappear. although it would be nice, i'm not sure i could stand the person i might be if i wasn't always breaking off from my adversity.
and i know it's not much of an excuse, but it's my excuse. some people smoke, some drink and some bite their nails. my vice is just not dealing with my occasionally set of "shitty" feelings. i know it doesn't sound like a lot to deal with, but because it's the only thing that really affects me, it terrifies me to bits to let anyone else in when i feel that way. i'm sorry in advance. you might think i'm mad at you, or upset with something you've done, and although that may be true - it's probably just petty shit and the reality of it is that i'm more pissed at myself.
so truly and deeply, i am sorry in advance.
for the times where i'll just leave emotionally without explaining myself, which leads to me leaving physically and making you wonder. sometimes it just feels like every word i want to say will be wrong. so i say nothing until it all feels okay again.
for the times where i let the things you do that hurt me (whether it be a little or a lot) slide... and then bring them up when the damage has been done, half-expecting you to fix what cannot be fixed, and half-expecting you to not actually care. i know i should be upfront with well, just about everything, but it's hard for me.
for the times that i tell you that you don't care. what do i know? to you it may be obvious that you care about me, but unless you show it or tell me straight up, i will just go off assuming... i don't know why i do this, i just know i do. i am trying to get over this long bump.
for the times where i argue with my whole heart ... i am probably arguing more with myself than you. you just happened to get caught in between the argument between myself and i. damnit, miscommunication seems to be the story. of. my. life.
for the times where i don't message you all day or seem stand-offish when you message me. i've gone through guys who played so many petty ass games that my sense of communication is a little misguided. sometimes i feel like i might be bothering you or coming on too strong. or i'm just waiting to see if something you might say is relevant. or i just want to hear your voice but don't want to intrude, so i occupy myself with other bbm's & texts & phone calls in hopes that your name shows out of nowhere and a million butterflies wake up in my stomach.
for the times where i get caught up. especially if you are not as caught up in it as i am.
for the times where i might just disappear... waiting to see if you adore me enough to make me come back. now i don't mean, physically disappear but my heart just goes on off-mode for a minute. i know it isn't fair, or ideal, or even practical, but blame the rest of them before you. :/
i am sorry for these maybe petty, maybe major issues (i stopped telling the difference) and i hope that through all of this you just remember that i will learn to love every single thing about you. your laugh. your focused face. your voice when you think something's wrong. i also hope that you remember that this is only an occasional thing, just as i will be understanding to the fact that everyone has their shit days - you included. one last thing, if you feel like i'm just saying all of this just so you can excuse all my bullshit, that's not it at all. i'm saying this in hopes that you, or you, or maybe even you, will ask me to try, instead of just walking away.
three simple words.
will. you. try.
and i know it's not much of an excuse, but it's my excuse. some people smoke, some drink and some bite their nails. my vice is just not dealing with my occasionally set of "shitty" feelings. i know it doesn't sound like a lot to deal with, but because it's the only thing that really affects me, it terrifies me to bits to let anyone else in when i feel that way. i'm sorry in advance. you might think i'm mad at you, or upset with something you've done, and although that may be true - it's probably just petty shit and the reality of it is that i'm more pissed at myself.
so truly and deeply, i am sorry in advance.
for the times where i'll just leave emotionally without explaining myself, which leads to me leaving physically and making you wonder. sometimes it just feels like every word i want to say will be wrong. so i say nothing until it all feels okay again.
for the times where i let the things you do that hurt me (whether it be a little or a lot) slide... and then bring them up when the damage has been done, half-expecting you to fix what cannot be fixed, and half-expecting you to not actually care. i know i should be upfront with well, just about everything, but it's hard for me.
for the times that i tell you that you don't care. what do i know? to you it may be obvious that you care about me, but unless you show it or tell me straight up, i will just go off assuming... i don't know why i do this, i just know i do. i am trying to get over this long bump.
for the times where i argue with my whole heart ... i am probably arguing more with myself than you. you just happened to get caught in between the argument between myself and i. damnit, miscommunication seems to be the story. of. my. life.
for the times where i don't message you all day or seem stand-offish when you message me. i've gone through guys who played so many petty ass games that my sense of communication is a little misguided. sometimes i feel like i might be bothering you or coming on too strong. or i'm just waiting to see if something you might say is relevant. or i just want to hear your voice but don't want to intrude, so i occupy myself with other bbm's & texts & phone calls in hopes that your name shows out of nowhere and a million butterflies wake up in my stomach.
for the times where i get caught up. especially if you are not as caught up in it as i am.
for the times where i might just disappear... waiting to see if you adore me enough to make me come back. now i don't mean, physically disappear but my heart just goes on off-mode for a minute. i know it isn't fair, or ideal, or even practical, but blame the rest of them before you. :/
i am sorry for these maybe petty, maybe major issues (i stopped telling the difference) and i hope that through all of this you just remember that i will learn to love every single thing about you. your laugh. your focused face. your voice when you think something's wrong. i also hope that you remember that this is only an occasional thing, just as i will be understanding to the fact that everyone has their shit days - you included. one last thing, if you feel like i'm just saying all of this just so you can excuse all my bullshit, that's not it at all. i'm saying this in hopes that you, or you, or maybe even you, will ask me to try, instead of just walking away.
three simple words.
will. you. try.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
things i would like to say to different people
1. oh whats good haterrrrrrrrrr
"i love all my feedback" - drake ;) i know you readin this, blood boilin & face all heated, always stalking my shit and looking for a reason to hate on me so that you feel like you're a somebody..
guess what, you still aint shit.
oh you mad?
2. i want it. you want it. so why not?
because it's the last thing we need.
have i changed your life? if i left tomorrow would it hurt like a bitch?
lemme know.
3. i adore you for being such a great friend.
4. you recover at the speed of a mutant. my best friends are all wack jobs, aliens, gooooooooofs.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
and every moment when i think of you my soul feels so brand new
six thousand miles away
one day we can finally say..
"we made it"
i wrote a letter on a folded paper airplane,
hoping it would find its way...
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
life is yo professa know that bitch is gon test ya
my friend said something like... "yeah it's not fair for the people who take an interest in me cause i end up just thinking that at some point they'll lose that interest. and they usually do"
SOMETHING like that.
regardless, it was on point.
SOMETHING like that.
regardless, it was on point.
but don't get any closer, if this will last a little longer..
i dunno if you even read my blog. but if you do i just thought i should tell you straight up.
im so confused.
CONFUSED i tell you. my mind & heart are wandering around aimlessly looking for something that seems sure. something that's grounded. something that doesn't expose any questions. not a single one.
what is this. all of this. how is it all so okay for you and such a daily confusion for me?
or at least... it seems okay for you... and because of that, it totally throws me off and every time i tell myself "i'm going to talk to him about it" i just fly off at tangents.
because you just ... seem SO... okay with it.
with not knowing. with not asking.
it drives me nuts.
i wish i knew.
im so confused.
CONFUSED i tell you. my mind & heart are wandering around aimlessly looking for something that seems sure. something that's grounded. something that doesn't expose any questions. not a single one.
what is this. all of this. how is it all so okay for you and such a daily confusion for me?
or at least... it seems okay for you... and because of that, it totally throws me off and every time i tell myself "i'm going to talk to him about it" i just fly off at tangents.
because you just ... seem SO... okay with it.
with not knowing. with not asking.
it drives me nuts.
i wish i knew.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
wish i could quit but i don't know where to start, maybe my heart
the other night.. my best friend got into a car accident.
actually, two of my best friends.
and i'm talking like all up in my pictures/robo.to/facebook/inbox/cellphoneinbox/LIFE-kinda-best-friends.
one is an emotional wreck. the other a physical one. the one who is physically a wreck, is like my backbone. my other third (3/alwaysbetterwhenwetogether-LL&MN&AS). every time i visit her in the hospital... i overload in tears. holding someones hand and missing them so much at the same time is THE WORST. FEELING. EVER.
ever.
the one who knows more about me than i do myself. wiped. put on hold. SURVIVING. every single thing i do puts her face in my head.
tonight she should have been beside me. she would have slept over and i would have had to re-watch all the "how i met your mother" episodes with her because she's slackin on that shit. i would have broke my no-eating-past-10pm rule. we would have sat on my roof for a brief moment. talked about him. and him. and probably Him. and then we would be going to church in about 8 hours.
but we aren't. and it hurts so bad, something so trivial. in fact, it hurts so bad that when people tell me their problems, i just get annoyed. frustrated. it's like are-you-fucking-kidding-me-kill-that-noise over and over.
and it's not fair, because pain is pain. a problem, no matter how simple or "petty," is still a problem.
BUT I HAVE A PROBLEM, TOO.
which is why right now, i care half less than normal about anyone elses. because i'm too busy coping with my own. it's making me realize i never deal with my shit and this time i can't just run away. it's got me feeling negative as fuck. and the worst part? it feels wrong being happy.
laughing without you, eating dragon eyes @ maki-maki, driving around, simple exchanges - ALL FEELS WRONG. WITHOUT YOU.
so all i can hope for is a fast recovery... thank God, it's a miracle that nothing is permanent. it'll just take time. i need this time. we all do.
love you funtime. trisha. yani. nig.
ariana sta. cruz.
-trang. dawg. maria.
actually, two of my best friends.
and i'm talking like all up in my pictures/robo.to/facebook/inbox/cellphoneinbox/LIFE-kinda-best-friends.
one is an emotional wreck. the other a physical one. the one who is physically a wreck, is like my backbone. my other third (3/alwaysbetterwhenwetogether-LL&MN&AS). every time i visit her in the hospital... i overload in tears. holding someones hand and missing them so much at the same time is THE WORST. FEELING. EVER.
ever.
the one who knows more about me than i do myself. wiped. put on hold. SURVIVING. every single thing i do puts her face in my head.
tonight she should have been beside me. she would have slept over and i would have had to re-watch all the "how i met your mother" episodes with her because she's slackin on that shit. i would have broke my no-eating-past-10pm rule. we would have sat on my roof for a brief moment. talked about him. and him. and probably Him. and then we would be going to church in about 8 hours.
but we aren't. and it hurts so bad, something so trivial. in fact, it hurts so bad that when people tell me their problems, i just get annoyed. frustrated. it's like are-you-fucking-kidding-me-kill-that-noise over and over.
and it's not fair, because pain is pain. a problem, no matter how simple or "petty," is still a problem.
BUT I HAVE A PROBLEM, TOO.
which is why right now, i care half less than normal about anyone elses. because i'm too busy coping with my own. it's making me realize i never deal with my shit and this time i can't just run away. it's got me feeling negative as fuck. and the worst part? it feels wrong being happy.
laughing without you, eating dragon eyes @ maki-maki, driving around, simple exchanges - ALL FEELS WRONG. WITHOUT YOU.
so all i can hope for is a fast recovery... thank God, it's a miracle that nothing is permanent. it'll just take time. i need this time. we all do.
love you funtime. trisha. yani. nig.
ariana sta. cruz.
-trang. dawg. maria.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
i wish you the best of luck, just not with me
Dear You,
i'm sitting here analyzing that letter left and right... breaking down as each sentence brings itself to a period. only to venture onto another sentence - another fragment of the right words for the wrongest feelings... every new paragraph explaining another way that i managed to hurt you.
what has been.
what could have been.
what i was to you
what has to be done.
what you are going to do.
and then the i love you.
and then the letter ends.
disconnect, move on, love, i'm so sorry, goodbye.
the phrases that stick out the most. the phrases that i practically choked on.
i wish i didn't hurt you. i wish i didn't just mute myself every time you showed me how you felt. i wish it didn't hurt me so much each time you said "i love you." but most of all, i wish that it didn't come so late. i wish that you walked in when i still loved you and wanted you the most. i wish you didn't wait until i realized that i couldn't wait forever.
i wish it didn't hurt so bad to say goodbye.
why this time? why does it suck so bad? i must have said good bye to you a million times already.
i guess it's because this time... you're saying good bye to me.. for me.
and i'm saying good bye to you... for you.
for the first time we are doing something that both of us needed, simultaneously, and ironically enough, it had to be the act of walking away.
i will never forget how much you loved me, or how much you love me. i will never forget the dizziness, the unexplainable, the irrational, and the unconditional love you showed through the years. i will never forget the good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly. i will never forget you. i know it for a fact. i meant it when i said you were one of the very few people i cared about so much... that when it hurt you, it hurt me even more.
i hope you find the love that i always wanted to give. i hope you let God guide you to that love. i hope you never take her for granted the way we took each other for granted, and i hope you realize how beautiful it is to have someone who loves you so, so much. i hope you find the girl that turns you into the man that you have every ounce of potential to be. i hope you never forget me, and i hope that one day we can be friends.
Sincerely,
Maria
i'm sitting here analyzing that letter left and right... breaking down as each sentence brings itself to a period. only to venture onto another sentence - another fragment of the right words for the wrongest feelings... every new paragraph explaining another way that i managed to hurt you.
what has been.
what could have been.
what i was to you
what has to be done.
what you are going to do.
and then the i love you.
and then the letter ends.
disconnect, move on, love, i'm so sorry, goodbye.
the phrases that stick out the most. the phrases that i practically choked on.
i wish i didn't hurt you. i wish i didn't just mute myself every time you showed me how you felt. i wish it didn't hurt me so much each time you said "i love you." but most of all, i wish that it didn't come so late. i wish that you walked in when i still loved you and wanted you the most. i wish you didn't wait until i realized that i couldn't wait forever.
i wish it didn't hurt so bad to say goodbye.
why this time? why does it suck so bad? i must have said good bye to you a million times already.
i guess it's because this time... you're saying good bye to me.. for me.
and i'm saying good bye to you... for you.
for the first time we are doing something that both of us needed, simultaneously, and ironically enough, it had to be the act of walking away.
i will never forget how much you loved me, or how much you love me. i will never forget the dizziness, the unexplainable, the irrational, and the unconditional love you showed through the years. i will never forget the good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly. i will never forget you. i know it for a fact. i meant it when i said you were one of the very few people i cared about so much... that when it hurt you, it hurt me even more.
i hope you find the love that i always wanted to give. i hope you let God guide you to that love. i hope you never take her for granted the way we took each other for granted, and i hope you realize how beautiful it is to have someone who loves you so, so much. i hope you find the girl that turns you into the man that you have every ounce of potential to be. i hope you never forget me, and i hope that one day we can be friends.
Sincerely,
Maria
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
or maybe i'm just frontin to myself
i'd be lying if i said that at this very moment, i know exactly what i want.
do i want you? or him? or any of this? or do i want myself more than anything.
OF COURSE i want myself. i want to feel sane at the least.
the one thing that has been running through my mind for what seems like a hundred years is this:
in the end it was clear we wanted the same thing, but one of us wanted it way more.
he wanted me, but i wanted me too.
in fact, i wanted me way more. and i was being selfish at that time.
that's why i had to leave.
but what about that late night drive where i told you everything?
or that phonecall that made me forget all my original intentions?
or that second hug where i felt my feet float off the ground a little bit because of the way you smell?
or the fact that we speak every. single. DAY. -- ?!
do i want that? do i want ANYONE?! fuck if i know.
or do i just want what i've learned to deal with in the past few months. consistency. solidarity. familiarty.
myself.
all this alone-ness.
last night i was all positive that i didn't want anything serious. not even close.
i just wanted to work and save and sleep and exercise and kick it with my homies.
... all whilst avoiding the advances of anyone.
oh you wanna know how it's goin?
let's just say i failed at that basically.
damn i wish my brain had an off button.
but i guess that's why sometimes life throws a bunch of messed up options at you.
and why life is all like yo what up i'm bout to make you feel lost than a motherfucker.
so that you get off your ass and go out there and find out what you want,
or even better, let what you want, find you.
(find me. PLEASE.)
do i want you? or him? or any of this? or do i want myself more than anything.
OF COURSE i want myself. i want to feel sane at the least.
the one thing that has been running through my mind for what seems like a hundred years is this:
in the end it was clear we wanted the same thing, but one of us wanted it way more.
he wanted me, but i wanted me too.
in fact, i wanted me way more. and i was being selfish at that time.
that's why i had to leave.
but what about that late night drive where i told you everything?
or that phonecall that made me forget all my original intentions?
or that second hug where i felt my feet float off the ground a little bit because of the way you smell?
or the fact that we speak every. single. DAY. -- ?!
do i want that? do i want ANYONE?! fuck if i know.
or do i just want what i've learned to deal with in the past few months. consistency. solidarity. familiarty.
myself.
all this alone-ness.
last night i was all positive that i didn't want anything serious. not even close.
i just wanted to work and save and sleep and exercise and kick it with my homies.
... all whilst avoiding the advances of anyone.
oh you wanna know how it's goin?
let's just say i failed at that basically.
damn i wish my brain had an off button.
but i guess that's why sometimes life throws a bunch of messed up options at you.
and why life is all like yo what up i'm bout to make you feel lost than a motherfucker.
so that you get off your ass and go out there and find out what you want,
or even better, let what you want, find you.
(find me. PLEASE.)
Friday, August 27, 2010
if you feel good if you feel good put one hand in the air
(so originally i had posted a different video, but youtube owned him. so i will just post my favorite-est video EVER from him mainly because [he said] it's dedicated to me. enjoy!!)
i have lots of friends who dance.
this guy, chris martin, is one of the greatest that i know.
he is also a great guy aside from dancing. most of the time. :)
subscribe & watch other videos here!
have a good weekend everybodyyy
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
guys who blog...
ULTIMATE WIN!
i have a new, painful crush. great writing and basketball all in one post? AND humor?! ....... i fear to say anything else. that is all.
the takeover
i have a new, painful crush. great writing and basketball all in one post? AND humor?! ....... i fear to say anything else. that is all.
the takeover
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
i'm leavin you for the last time baby
but this about me and you though
lets get off this phone and we can speak when i see you
i put on my knickers, my blue and white pippens
then went to the station for some praisin and kissin
the "sorry wale's" "i was wrong, i was trippin"
"would you please be a saint and have the patience to forgive me"
i told myself that i would play it cool
she better shed a couple tears when she come through
but i was wrong - babygirl sang another tune
and it was rage in her eyes i wasn't really used to
she said "i love you, that's why i do this eye to eye"
kissed me on the cheek then she whispered "this the last time"
goodbye
just can't see more
my life as of late:
- running from anything that threatens my self-made, self-accommodating territory. or at least frantically planning my escape.
- Phrenology
- Shouldn't Have to Wait - Ryan Leslie (forever. and ever. i want to cry when i hear this joint)
- "it just gets complicated too quickly"
- a new house... so beautifully constructed. unpacking 6 garbage bags of clothes and seeing a full closet NEVER felt so satisfying. oh & can't forget the 6 pillows + 3 blankets on my comfy ass bed. being on the southside again, my home, oh my gosh. i am ecstatic.
- no eating past 10 pm hahahahhahaha who. do. i. think. i. am. i dunno
- i am dying to read a new book.
- running from anything that threatens my self-made, self-accommodating territory. or at least frantically planning my escape.
- Phrenology
- Shouldn't Have to Wait - Ryan Leslie (forever. and ever. i want to cry when i hear this joint)
- "it just gets complicated too quickly"
- a new house... so beautifully constructed. unpacking 6 garbage bags of clothes and seeing a full closet NEVER felt so satisfying. oh & can't forget the 6 pillows + 3 blankets on my comfy ass bed. being on the southside again, my home, oh my gosh. i am ecstatic.
- no eating past 10 pm hahahahhahaha who. do. i. think. i. am. i dunno
- i am dying to read a new book.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
perfectly lonely
sometimes i think, i am meant to be single.
most times i think, i am not meant for the mess.
all times i think, if we can just remain friends, we can avoid all the complications that present themselves beyond that platonic position.
and every day, i think to myself, damn, i fear for the man who asks me to commit. the one who expects my whole heart. because the second you start to sweep me off my feet, i make it a point to escape from your arms, and plant my feet back onto the damn ground.
and RUN.
i make sure to run as far as i can. not to see if you're going to run after me. not to see if you don't even bother to watch me go. but so i never have to see you again, think about you, fall in love with you, be happy with you.
because nothing good lasts forever. i know that. it doesn't stop me from my single-girl antics though, because i wake up and go to sleep terrified of having my heart stomped on. again. and even if i'm in viewing distance, i'm far in heart.
and heart is all that matters. mine. the one that i can't give to you.
but then i figure that it's just fine, i'm perfectly lonely.
most times i think, i am not meant for the mess.
all times i think, if we can just remain friends, we can avoid all the complications that present themselves beyond that platonic position.
and every day, i think to myself, damn, i fear for the man who asks me to commit. the one who expects my whole heart. because the second you start to sweep me off my feet, i make it a point to escape from your arms, and plant my feet back onto the damn ground.
and RUN.
i make sure to run as far as i can. not to see if you're going to run after me. not to see if you don't even bother to watch me go. but so i never have to see you again, think about you, fall in love with you, be happy with you.
because nothing good lasts forever. i know that. it doesn't stop me from my single-girl antics though, because i wake up and go to sleep terrified of having my heart stomped on. again. and even if i'm in viewing distance, i'm far in heart.
and heart is all that matters. mine. the one that i can't give to you.
but then i figure that it's just fine, i'm perfectly lonely.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
do not always believe what you see
now question is every nigga with dreads for the cause?
is every nigga with golds for the fall? naw
so don’t get caught in appearance
- 'DRE 3000
P.S. drool.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Many the Miles
"Cause i've had my fair share of take care and goodbyes
I've learned how to cry
And I'm better for that"
watched She's Out of My League the other day for the 2359273th time, and finally noticed this Sara Bareilles song. now it's on repeat. and the movie? well, i still love it. "princess jasmine.." lmao deadd. this time though, unlike the others, i streamed it on my friends PS3 - took four hours to get through the entire fucking movie. but the memories in between actually watching the movie and allowing it to load made it all worth it. "feelings talk" + the a1 sauce + useful info + "okay let's use the utensils as representation" + etc.
"have you ever seen how a filipino eats?"
"with their fingers?"
"good, i thought i'd seem savage. well i'm going to take my shirt off then."
thank God for friends.
my favorite blue-eyed music mixer, DJ JoseRecinos :)
Sunday, August 8, 2010
anger is one letter short of danger, roger dat.
there's anger
and then there's just plain out i-dun-give-a-fuck.
almost there
but until then and always
and then there's just plain out i-dun-give-a-fuck.
almost there
but until then and always
and always LAUGH.
or at least keep a few on hand who keep you rolling.
you both keep me a 1000x sane by making me insane
or at least keep a few on hand who keep you rolling.
you both keep me a 1000x sane by making me insane
Saturday, August 7, 2010
i dun know what to say
except for...
you'replayingwithfireandthatmuhfuckacanhaveyoass
i should probably sleep with my tired ass
but that's what happens when you're torn to pieces
you just stay up all night and look at a bunch of shit
and think.
about shit that makes you wish you were asleep.
whateva
peace
you'replayingwithfireandthatmuhfuckacanhaveyoass
i should probably sleep with my tired ass
but that's what happens when you're torn to pieces
you just stay up all night and look at a bunch of shit
and think.
about shit that makes you wish you were asleep.
whateva
peace
Monday, August 2, 2010
but i can't.
I want to call you. Leave a voice mail, I know you won't pick up anyway. I want to tell you that yes, even though I do love you, it terrifies me unbelievably how much we change each day. From loving, to nothing. Even though I love you... the fear that comes with it, guarantees that love isn't enough (for once). I want to be uninhibited and free... when you are, too. I want to laugh with you, rap with you, sleep with you, wake up with you, all of that... When I said "that's all it is," I only said it because (I'm not turning this on you) it's how you, and the entire situation made me feel. I can't help what I feel - neither can you. You should never mess with a broken heart, especially when you're the one who broke it... Sadly, that goes for both of us. It will never make sense to me; how it is always, always, the wrong time. You will probably leave and that will probably be it for us, like it has been a million times already. I don't want to leave, but I don't want to ask you to stay. I can't do it anymore. I can't hurt you. I can't hurt ME.
Still, I want to call you. Right now.
But I can't.
Still, I want to call you. Right now.
But I can't.
best i evaa had
P: maria your eyes look tired as fuck. they're so red
M: i'd put eyedrops in but honestly it's not like i have anyone to look good for
P: wtf what about me?
M: PAM you should love me when i got sweatpants, hair tied, chillin with no make up on
P: that's when you're the prettiest
M: yeah. i took it wrong.
P: ...what?
M: the song...
*pause
M: "that's when you're the prettiest i hope that you don't take it wrong..."
P: OH YEAH hahaha
haha loove<3
M: i'd put eyedrops in but honestly it's not like i have anyone to look good for
P: wtf what about me?
M: PAM you should love me when i got sweatpants, hair tied, chillin with no make up on
P: that's when you're the prettiest
M: yeah. i took it wrong.
P: ...what?
M: the song...
*pause
M: "that's when you're the prettiest i hope that you don't take it wrong..."
P: OH YEAH hahaha
haha loove<3
Friday, July 30, 2010
im about whateva man
I decided that the only way it'll be possible for me to love you later, is if I love me now.
Go ahead and do your thing.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Lady and Gentlemen
"Despite pop culture lyrics, chivalry is NOT dead. Actually, it’s free. It costs nothing to have manners which is really what impresses a woman." - Yeahshesaidit.com
that's right. you read it. despite what you hear on the radio about men not giving a fuck about how they treat women, the true existence of chivalry remains impartial to those opinions.
it is real. and it will hit you. well, i don't know if it'll hit you. but it for damn sure hit me.
fuck it, it hit me HARD.
the minute you stepped in and showed me you were sweet, and not just nice...
well... it basically became game over for me. lmao. what ever am i going to do?
nothing. i'll let you handle it, and you probably will, cause you're a gentlemen, and chivalry is not dead.
that's right. you read it. despite what you hear on the radio about men not giving a fuck about how they treat women, the true existence of chivalry remains impartial to those opinions.
it is real. and it will hit you. well, i don't know if it'll hit you. but it for damn sure hit me.
fuck it, it hit me HARD.
the minute you stepped in and showed me you were sweet, and not just nice...
well... it basically became game over for me. lmao. what ever am i going to do?
nothing. i'll let you handle it, and you probably will, cause you're a gentlemen, and chivalry is not dead.
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