Sunday, December 5, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
"and suddenly.. i just felt like i needed to pull away for a second"
when i start something, i throw myself into it. completely.
when i work, i work hard. when i study, i study hard. when i read, i read hard.
you get the gist of it. all my reckless effort into what i choose to do is what makes me feel like it's something worth doing. i don't want to do it if i can't do it fully, if i'm going to have to half-ass something, i'd rather not do it at all.
when i write, i throw myself into it and let out EVERYTHING. i do something, anything, like everything is at stake. if there is no purpose, there is no point, and if i don't think it'll be completely worth throwing myself into... i just won't/don't even start.
but for some reason that's not the premise to how i deal with relationships and friendships. i mean i don't choose to deal with relationships the way i do (shyly, short, and in a somewhat disposable fashion) ... i honestly just DO. i don't get how i get so swallowed in everything else in my life, but when it comes to dealing with people, i'm so short with them all. given the few exceptions... even when i've thrown myself completely into the waters with somebody, i can feel myself hesitating and itching to swim back to shore. i've never been good at giving myself to people. so excuse me if i ghost on you for a second, i may or may not be back.
i wish i knew how to deal with that. i wish i could find a way to glue myself into place and fight for people like they're WORTH IT.. cause there's times where i feel like, certain people are so worth it. but in opposing respect i also feel like there is almost no one who is worth it. all those people who have come at me with their bullshit... they make everybody else not worth it. worth the hurt. worth the trouble. worth feeling myself crumble when they finally decide to walk away.
or i wish i could dismiss feeling this void when i decide to walk away. either way, i can't help but think about how life would/will be like without somebody once they've entered my life. maybe it's because some person(s) who i never thought i'd have to go on without, is gone... and it happens. people walk out. life changes everybody's direction, and i'm not stupid, i know that everyone i love can't head in the same direction i'm heading.
but when i feel like i'm flying off at tangents, i really only feel like it's myself who's getting off balance. when things go wrong, i feel like i can only deal with it on my own... and i dunno how to fix that. when i feel animosity, i feel the very heights of it... and i "don't deal with it in the light," meaning i try to sort it all out in the DARK... or just leave it there. basically.
i dunno. i just see all these people i love getting completely swallowed and walked all over and still claiming to be in a good spot. i NEVER want to be that person ever again.. i never want to play the fool. i never want to be the last one to know. i never want to be the "almost, but not really." i never want to end up on an emotional rollercoaster again. i deserve more than that. i owe it to myself to overcome this feeling.. i owe it to myself to be balanced. and i owe it to myself to make sure i NEVER, ever, end up being that person. the one who should, but can't, walk away.
or maybe... nah. i dunno. fuck that shit.
----
sike. i do know. you seem to prove all that i need to know before i even know it... you are the answer. <3
when i start something, i throw myself into it. completely.
when i work, i work hard. when i study, i study hard. when i read, i read hard.
you get the gist of it. all my reckless effort into what i choose to do is what makes me feel like it's something worth doing. i don't want to do it if i can't do it fully, if i'm going to have to half-ass something, i'd rather not do it at all.
when i write, i throw myself into it and let out EVERYTHING. i do something, anything, like everything is at stake. if there is no purpose, there is no point, and if i don't think it'll be completely worth throwing myself into... i just won't/don't even start.
but for some reason that's not the premise to how i deal with relationships and friendships. i mean i don't choose to deal with relationships the way i do (shyly, short, and in a somewhat disposable fashion) ... i honestly just DO. i don't get how i get so swallowed in everything else in my life, but when it comes to dealing with people, i'm so short with them all. given the few exceptions... even when i've thrown myself completely into the waters with somebody, i can feel myself hesitating and itching to swim back to shore. i've never been good at giving myself to people. so excuse me if i ghost on you for a second, i may or may not be back.
i wish i knew how to deal with that. i wish i could find a way to glue myself into place and fight for people like they're WORTH IT.. cause there's times where i feel like, certain people are so worth it. but in opposing respect i also feel like there is almost no one who is worth it. all those people who have come at me with their bullshit... they make everybody else not worth it. worth the hurt. worth the trouble. worth feeling myself crumble when they finally decide to walk away.
or i wish i could dismiss feeling this void when i decide to walk away. either way, i can't help but think about how life would/will be like without somebody once they've entered my life. maybe it's because some person(s) who i never thought i'd have to go on without, is gone... and it happens. people walk out. life changes everybody's direction, and i'm not stupid, i know that everyone i love can't head in the same direction i'm heading.
but when i feel like i'm flying off at tangents, i really only feel like it's myself who's getting off balance. when things go wrong, i feel like i can only deal with it on my own... and i dunno how to fix that. when i feel animosity, i feel the very heights of it... and i "don't deal with it in the light," meaning i try to sort it all out in the DARK... or just leave it there. basically.
i dunno. i just see all these people i love getting completely swallowed and walked all over and still claiming to be in a good spot. i NEVER want to be that person ever again.. i never want to play the fool. i never want to be the last one to know. i never want to be the "almost, but not really." i never want to end up on an emotional rollercoaster again. i deserve more than that. i owe it to myself to overcome this feeling.. i owe it to myself to be balanced. and i owe it to myself to make sure i NEVER, ever, end up being that person. the one who should, but can't, walk away.
or maybe... nah. i dunno. fuck that shit.
----
sike. i do know. you seem to prove all that i need to know before i even know it... you are the answer. <3
DECEMBER.
happy happy first of the month! i love december so much it's disgusting. i think you could use my face as a flash light, it lights up so badly every time i see christmas lights... and i'm just this little ball of happiness in every mall i enter.... so yeah, christmas and i = foreverBFF's.
i pretty much have all of my christmas shopping down. i SPOIL people... seriously.
and my birthday is in two days.
two.
1
and then 2.
*squeal* that's all imma say. enjoy this month!
i pretty much have all of my christmas shopping down. i SPOIL people... seriously.
and my birthday is in two days.
two.
1
and then 2.
*squeal* that's all imma say. enjoy this month!
Monday, November 29, 2010
keeep comin back for more
i've been feeling the same thing for a while now... ummm like saveroom-johnlegend happy. i don't have much to say except consistency is nice. familiarity, it's nice. it doesn't do much for my writing (i think i've gushed enough....), considering i write best when my emotions are wylin' out at 10000miles/minute, but at least the consistency provides genesis for balance in my life. can't complain. haven't been complaining.
got some friends who are down for me.
got a family that keeps me grounded.
got a dude that is all kinds of wonderful.
school begins in a month and a week. finally finished my schedule. microeconomics, business law, english, sociology = papers papers and more papers. my strength. THANKFULLY i only have classes tuesday and thursday, so i can still get my money up.
oh you know, no big deal, i'm legal this upcoming friday. i am looking forward to this epic birthday extravaganza. can't wait to just get all SILLY.
i have three jobs.
sorta.
i kill the life tip boi.
got some friends who are down for me.
got a family that keeps me grounded.
got a dude that is all kinds of wonderful.
school begins in a month and a week. finally finished my schedule. microeconomics, business law, english, sociology = papers papers and more papers. my strength. THANKFULLY i only have classes tuesday and thursday, so i can still get my money up.
oh you know, no big deal, i'm legal this upcoming friday. i am looking forward to this epic birthday extravaganza. can't wait to just get all SILLY.
i have three jobs.
sorta.
i kill the life tip boi.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
oh it feels so crazy, oooh this love is blazin
you made me realize that we were born to fly
you showed me every day the possibilities
and you proved my fantasies,
what love could really be
Friday, November 26, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
things that need to come into my line of purchase immediately
smashbox fusion soft lights
garnier anti-dark circle eye roller
(eeeek it feels SO cool)
clarins waterproof eyeliner pencil
(seriously... no. smudges. whatsoever)
kat von d tattoo concealer
(... main influence: JLovesmac1@youtube nuffff said)
clinique lash building primer
benefit Dr. Feelgood
(because i don't wear foundation but wouldn't mind a LITTLE somethin)
the OG brown sugar bear
(... for my brown suga)
with my birthday coming up so soon, i think a massive make-up haul is only appropriate.
sephora, you, me, it's on bebe.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
i can't find a title to this post because i can't hold a title to what i'm feeling (har har).
lately i have been pulling away from just about everyone who i don't consider one of my best friends... that even includes my family. i have never felt like i wanted to move out SO badly.
but in all seriousness, i don't know why or what it is that makes me feel like... i need to isolate myself from people. i've always had this bad habit of getting close to people and then ghosting on them.
that's not to say that, if they were to ask of my help, i wouldn't give it. it's just the notion that i'd ever offer it is questionable.
i guess... in the scheme of things, i'm approachable, but fail at approaching others.
maybe it's just that after-high school shit people always talk about. the people who i swore i'd remain friends with, i barely see. matter of fact, i barely even speak to them. friendship is a two way street right? much like most things... i guess i've just adjusted to walking down a lot of streets my "friends" haven't, leading me to walk it on my own.
i mean... it's not a totally bad thing. but it's not totally a good thing, either. i don't know what it is. am i tired of those people? do i just use "independence" as a safety net so that i don't have to watch someone walk away first?
trust issues?
apathy towards them?
pftt
no idea.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
MILLENNIUM MANTRA
Instructions for Life
1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R's.
Respect for self.
Respect for others.
Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18,. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R's.
Respect for self.
Respect for others.
Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18,. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
WARNING: this blog is filled with the mushy sappy lovey dovey gay-gay (milder version of cray-cray), in other words, it is a blog proclaiming my "gay" for somebody.
i suggest that unless you are that person, you divert your attention elsewhere.
i am straight, though.
very straight.
i won't name names, but if you can't single yourself out to know that this is about you, you should stop frontin. =)
i have so many things to thank you for, and a million ways to thank you, but circumstances make it hard to do so. i feel like i don't give you the credit you deserve for putting up with my shit... so hopefully a blog will suffice (i have big things in store! wait til i see your ass). i've spent a lot of time thinking about what to say in this blog, wondering if it's just a validation for my own personal reflection or to prove to others that you are good to me. it's neither though, it is straight up just a grateful post to tell you: i am so happy to have you, i am also lucky to have you, and these days, i owe a lot of my sanity to you.
i don't even know where to start. maybe i'll start by saying that you're not someone who says they'll do things to dress themselves up... because you actually do it. you already have so many reassuring things to say to make me feel the "gay," (aka that way) but when you come through and your actions back up what you have to say, it's an amazing thing. you are even more than the words that you have to say. i already feel important to you, but the times where you take the extra step to make me feel even more important... it's a trip. i stopped trying to wrap my head around it a long time ago and settled with knowing that it's the feeling of being happy.
it's when you force yourself to stay up just to make sure i'm okay, even though you talked about how tired you were all day. it's when you don't agree with what i have to say but support me 100% regardless. it's when i know i can approach you with my conflicts because you'll listen, and try to make it better in any way you can. it's when i feel like i'm caught up in a shitty moment and you see past it and say something like "i'm thankful for who you are."
that shit gets to me. in all the best ways. i've tried so hard my entire life to rely on only myself, and these days i'm slowly giving that up to feel closer to you. whether it's bitching about something, being sad, or even letting you do the sweet shit to see me happy... it's all so... different. i don't think i've perfected it completely, and i don't know if i ever will, but i am happy to say that i'm confident you'll be there to see me through it all, even if i fail all epic. it's scary for me to even consider depending on/relying on anyone but myself... but so far, it feels kinda nice.
i've found a whole new level of comfort with you and aside from just being "that dude" in my life, i also consider you a good friend. a great friend. you listen. you respond. you support. you are an overall positive contribution to my life. you say things that confirm the way i already felt and it is still a surprise everytime... for instance, "i would never do that to you, just so you know." of course i knew. you never cloud me with negative bullshit, and you always have what it takes to make me feel better. my birthday isn't too far, but i can already say my best gift is being happy with/for you. thank you for everything :)
ok. i'm done being gay now.
ok. i'm done being gay now.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
happy early birthday TO MEEEE!
no idea what's in it, cause the bag is so pretty that i ain't even tryna open it right now
but you can never go wrong with a massive Dior bag
18 daaays :)
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
had hoes in passionate night gowns
but you the only one i imagine in white gowns
so where ya left hand, you should lemme add a ring to it
because mr. and mrs. Anderson just has a ring to it
she like why you act like that to me
walk right back and mike jack to me
every time we fall out, i throw ya ass out
but you just end up boomeranging back to me
what the fuuck
Monday, November 8, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Sunday, October 31, 2010
what a trip
Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.
The seriousness of your love:
You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?
Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.
What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.
Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.
http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.
The seriousness of your love:
You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?
Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.
What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.
Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.
http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
may you always be
as much as relationships trip me out... the aftermath of it all proves the most astounding (to me). boggles my mind how you can have this long, meaningful, drama-filled, emotions-on-high relationship and then when it's all said and done (keyword: done), and you've moved on... you're like, well... simply enough, a different person.
you're not the person that texts them randomly during the day anymore. you're no longer the person that saved that text message. and you sure aren't the person who's been saving up for that 3rd year anniversary surprise because... well there's no third year anniversary anymore.
your fingers don't automatically dial his number when something terrible just happened. maybe they're dialing someone else's number now. maybe you just stopped leaning on the support of others overall. you're no longer that person that relies on him to be your rock.
it's not like due to the break-up... you don't care about that person anymore... you're just.. a different person without them. and you're a different person with him. and the him after that. and every "him" before.
don't assume i don't care, because i do. i just don't think it's fair to me or you to tell you all the time that i still care because what... what good is that going to do? it's going to put us back in reverse and that's the last thing we need. i'm friends with all of my exes who meant something to me... because i won't front, y'all still do. i wish you the best of the best and that you find love and happiness somewhere and at some time. even if it wasn't with me, even if we didn't make it work, i would have never gotten at you if i didn't care about you.
in fact, i wouldn't have went as far as being your girlfriend, if i didn't care about you a lot. so, don't ever wonder if i don't care. i do. i'm just... different.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
day, dream, i fell asleep beneath the flowers
read this.
please?
pretty please?
with not just two, but three cherries on top.
it will be the constant reminder that if you live without passion, you are not living. you are simply just existing.
follow your dreams.
this definitely cured a huge helping of my "cold feet" about the future. :) hope it does the same for someone else.
thank you, ryan naritaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
please?
pretty please?
with not just two, but three cherries on top.
it will be the constant reminder that if you live without passion, you are not living. you are simply just existing.
follow your dreams.
this definitely cured a huge helping of my "cold feet" about the future. :) hope it does the same for someone else.
thank you, ryan naritaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Sunday, October 10, 2010
gobble gobble
i am thankful for....
God
friends to miss
love to hold
lessons to learn
family to humble
food to eat
a warm bed
good health
opportunity
freedom
positive vibes
everything
God
friends to miss
love to hold
lessons to learn
family to humble
food to eat
a warm bed
good health
opportunity
freedom
positive vibes
everything
Saturday, October 9, 2010
back to the basics
Name: maria nguyen what uppp
Nickname(s): mo, momo, nugget, nugger, mars, reah, mareezie, mareeeeezy, mamacita, 'nene.
Age: 17
Current Location: edmonton, word.
Eye Color: light brown
Hair Color: open for interpretation
Height: 4'11 - 5'0 depending on the time of the day
Zodiac Sign: saggy
Crushing?: i crush bitches, that's what mah papi say.
Pets: allergic to everything but water and sex songs
Job: famoso pizza, shaw conference center.
Special Talent/Skills: i place stickers like a bawse
Fears: being homeless or in debt
Bedtime: when my face gets sleepy!
Parents’ Relationship: i have parents
Piercings: tongue, nose, belly button, ears.
Tattoos: "family" in kanji on my back
Siblings: 1 younger hermana, 1 older hermana, 1 older hermano.
Favourite colour(s): invisibility
Favorite Animal: axolotl, dragon.
Favorite Bands/Artists: talent
Why *Blogspot?: to keep myself in check, holla.
go girl, its yo birthday...
actually, my birthday is december 3rd. it's soon.. not that soon but time flies! also i hear about it every day so i'm allowed to be excited. oh and it isn't like i planned the entire weekend of my big day already (sike)... or that i will finally be legal... but i have constructed a list of things that i will hopefully be able to grab for myself or receive as a gift?! =) i love things.
usually i deck out for my own birthday.
i don't know.
me and myself, we tight you know.
i got my back.
that's word.
let's gooo.
or any hardcover book with pictures of anything i'm interested in
choices include (but are not limited to):
fashion
food
black guys
doodles
monsters and/or aliens
(i will also be [happily] accepting comic books... any comic books)
doodles
monsters and/or aliens
(i will also be [happily] accepting comic books... any comic books)
third and final book of The Hunger Games :))))
little monster stickers... preferably wall decals!
but i fucks with any stickers.
... because it's about basketball.
AND ITS WRITTEN BY MITCH ALBOM.
a strapless black dress to get my fancy on.
my two unicorns ariana & larita
HELLA miss the three of us together
HELLA miss the three of us together
completely and absolutely this.
miss you
miss you
food. lots and lots of food.
a new blackberry :(
applecare
a new york cheesecake cupcake... mmmmm
a toaster. no seriously.
a toaster. no seriously.
i think that's all. for now.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
whenever love knocks tell it to come in, because refusal might lead to 'never again'
i want... love.
*deep inhale*
*hold it*
*slow exhale*
*pause*
yes i do.
it doesn't have to come right now... but i would be lying if i said that i would be content if i was near approaching thirty (even like... twenty five) and there wasn't some handsome man who i spoke to every day, that i knew in my heart, absolutely frickin loved me.
i want rain or shine. the kind of love that could withstand hundreds of miles. love that suffocates and steals short, long, and deep breaths, all at the same time.
i want the-best-part-of-my-day. the kind you can rely on and not question after each/any fight. a love that doesn't blame. i want the hard work and not the easy way out. i want the little things (they really DO matter the most).
i want the face that never leaves my brain. i want whatever i can get and it still ain't enough. i wanna be sprungggg. i want that let'sstaytogether-algreen. i want slow kisses and warm embraces (not hugs). i want to look into someones eyes and wonder how this angel got lost and decided he actually found heaven with me (rofflemywaffle).
and a lot more... i want to be surprised now and then by love by what i knew all along. i want to hear "you guys will have no problems" after one glance at us. i want THAT GOOD GOOD!
but i am patient.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
happy first of the month
eaaaasily the most frustrating day of my life. at least the bullshit is somewhat entertaining.
this will keep me sane
fuck aaaalll yallll
this will keep me sane
fuck aaaalll yallll
wish you best of luck, now im finna throw them deuces up
lately these days i've been super picky with people. anything such as taking too long to reply, hearing from people who i never speak to asking for favours, or people who i barely remember (or even know, matter of fact) asking me if i wanna go eat like we been homie'd up for years - makes me throw my phone to the other side of the room. i aint hatin or nothin like that... it just seems to get easier each day to weed out the questionable "friendships" from the real ones.
i hear my friends complaining about their friends and all i ever have to say is "kill that shit. because it's DEAD WEIGHT."
i find myself getting annoyed with people who squeeze right into that category. dead weight relationships. excessive negativity. un-necessary contacts. flakes. people who have nothing better to do with their time so they hit up everyone they can who they assume will listen.
i swear i spend more of my time ignoring people than i do responding to them.
maybe that's my bad, maybe i have a problem where i can only open up to certain people, and a bigger problem where i only keep in touch with people who i feel like i can open up to.
cause i mean... if i have enough friends who i can hit up regularly and continue to manifest substance-filled, reliable, growing friendships, why would i sweat myself to maintain shitty, low-key, un-exciting, stand-still contacts?
if i have enough bomb ass friends... it's kind of common sense that i could just be like "fuck all yall who aint them" because it's not like they make the effort to be, right? they just front. the ones who make an overwhelming amount of plans so they can cancel on this person for that person, and twitter about that lunch with this "homie," or put up pictures on facebook of the dinner with those girls. they just need people to pencil in so it looks like they have a life. relationship-dependent people who need to look like they are wanted by others.
but for real, i ain't the one. don't turn to me cause someone flaked on you, i have better things to do. there is a difference between wanting to genuinely catch up with a person and then wanting to fill a void in your life with different people. i find myself automatically replying with a, "yeh i'd be down, hit me up when you're free i'll let you know what's up" - just to be courteous, even though i know i won't hear from them, and quite frankly i'm content with not having to.
i've adjusted to abundance of friendship in my life, and my homies... they always come through. rain or shine. the ones who i know will provide good company out of friendship, and not out of convenience. the ones who see kickin it as just kickin it, not an 8PM appointment on a saturday. to this day, i still get excited over seeing my BEST FRIENDS, who i just saw the other day. who ask specific questions and tell me things i care about enough to not go ADD the second their mouths produce sound.
and some of you may be reading this thinking... "i don't give a fuck what you have to tell me anyway" and you know why? cause you're that person. the exact one i been writing about. the one who treats people as if they are indispensable, because you have too much of a hard time having a relationship with yourself. the one who expects attention from others but disposes of them when asked to hold up your half of the friendship. that's cool though, i don't give a fuck either. you're just dead weight.
i hear my friends complaining about their friends and all i ever have to say is "kill that shit. because it's DEAD WEIGHT."
i find myself getting annoyed with people who squeeze right into that category. dead weight relationships. excessive negativity. un-necessary contacts. flakes. people who have nothing better to do with their time so they hit up everyone they can who they assume will listen.
i swear i spend more of my time ignoring people than i do responding to them.
maybe that's my bad, maybe i have a problem where i can only open up to certain people, and a bigger problem where i only keep in touch with people who i feel like i can open up to.
cause i mean... if i have enough friends who i can hit up regularly and continue to manifest substance-filled, reliable, growing friendships, why would i sweat myself to maintain shitty, low-key, un-exciting, stand-still contacts?
if i have enough bomb ass friends... it's kind of common sense that i could just be like "fuck all yall who aint them" because it's not like they make the effort to be, right? they just front. the ones who make an overwhelming amount of plans so they can cancel on this person for that person, and twitter about that lunch with this "homie," or put up pictures on facebook of the dinner with those girls. they just need people to pencil in so it looks like they have a life. relationship-dependent people who need to look like they are wanted by others.
but for real, i ain't the one. don't turn to me cause someone flaked on you, i have better things to do. there is a difference between wanting to genuinely catch up with a person and then wanting to fill a void in your life with different people. i find myself automatically replying with a, "yeh i'd be down, hit me up when you're free i'll let you know what's up" - just to be courteous, even though i know i won't hear from them, and quite frankly i'm content with not having to.
i've adjusted to abundance of friendship in my life, and my homies... they always come through. rain or shine. the ones who i know will provide good company out of friendship, and not out of convenience. the ones who see kickin it as just kickin it, not an 8PM appointment on a saturday. to this day, i still get excited over seeing my BEST FRIENDS, who i just saw the other day. who ask specific questions and tell me things i care about enough to not go ADD the second their mouths produce sound.
and some of you may be reading this thinking... "i don't give a fuck what you have to tell me anyway" and you know why? cause you're that person. the exact one i been writing about. the one who treats people as if they are indispensable, because you have too much of a hard time having a relationship with yourself. the one who expects attention from others but disposes of them when asked to hold up your half of the friendship. that's cool though, i don't give a fuck either. you're just dead weight.
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