do i believe i'm a different person than i was exactly a year ago? of course. i'm completely different.

do i believe i'm better now than i was then? ... a little bit. but my struggle remains pretty much the same from last year. i can't find the slot to humble myself into so that i can open my eyes and be like,

HEY. new self. this is your old self speaking. remember those mistakes you made? remember the hurt? remember how you somehow managed to abandon the bullshit and move on and start something new? you're in a different spot now, act like it.

cause i remember. i remember all the bullshit i put myself through, in fact, i will never forget. in the past year, i learned to trust more AND less. i learned to believe in people but never forget that they can still do bad things. i learned that people mess up, have the potential to mess up, and when they are borderline messing up - i've already reached accusation and made my mind up about the disappointment they've provided.

man, am i SO wrong for that... i'm trying to dream big. believe bigger. love the biggest. i'm trying to forgive people for being... only human, and to bring myself down to common level and realize that i have just as much (if not more) potential to "screw up" like how i wait for them to. i'm trying to digest the fact that... even if people talk me up, they could still be skeptical about me/trusting me. JUST LIKE I DO FOR THEM.

i need to just entertain the thought that there's always better. and even though there's also always worse... i need to remember that it's much more safe/forgiving for me to believe that there is ALWAYS... always better. and anyone deserves better if what they have isn't making them happy. not just myself, anybody.

somebody who within 5 minutes of meeting me yesterday looked at me and said "you have a good heart. i can see it in your eyes." and i welled up with tears. someone who didn't even know my last name believed in me more than i believed in myself. she believed i could be/was good. she believed i was capable of duplicating this "good heart" of mine to help others, to teach them to want all i wanted and to dream the heights i dreamt. she woke me up. she literally showed me all i wanted in those 5 minutes of speaking to her... i've spent my entire life trying to take care of myself, and trusting myself... but never trying to really put my ENTIRE faith into other people.

i want to start. i NEED to start. i have so much strength to make myself happy... and i need to channel that into believing other people can make me even happier. i need to focus on all that is good and seize each broken situation as an opportunity to fix myself. i'm a little better this year... but a year from now, or even six months from now, i want to be the best i've ever been. starting now.