i just read "The Process: Until I Get Back on My Feet" and i can honestly say no body of words has ever rung truer to the depths, outlines, and proceedings of my life.
sure, i'm only 18 but if i keep stressing out as if i'm 42 i will probably just wake up at 36, pass out, and stop working (at the least i will lose every sense of normalcy... i would bet on this). so with that said that is my reasoning for my current "mid-life crisis" feeling (18+18=36 for those of you who suck at mind math).
nothing confirmed my ties to this post more than this following sentence:
I’m tired of going to bed each night knowing it won’t be my alarm waking me up, but rather my anxiety, so tonight I’m attempting to go to bed without that feeling by writing out the truth about how I feel.
holy SHIT. like when is the last time i slept without waking up more than twice? when is the last time my alarm woke me up? when's the last time i didn't wake up before my alarm, loathing my insides for not just making me lose sleep the night before, but also taking away whatever sleep i could have now? i can't even fall back to sleep for two f@#$ing hours?
if i could, i would buy sleep. i would lease it, finance it, anything, anything to JUST be able to sleep NORMALLY. you know, fall asleep at anytime and actually stay asleep in the time given? you know, what normal de-stressed people are able to do? you know, not wake up in the middle of the night freaking out about something? i either wake up with my heart pounding or my eyes crying.
you know what? i'm just so... SICK OF IT. sick of feeling like a mess. sick of letting the things i try to do consume me. sick of losing control. sick of literally feeling sick to my stomach when i glance at my life and have to face all the imbalance... where does it end? or better yet, where does it begin? i can't trace anything. i can't pinpoint anything. here i am, the girl who claims to be all about the more intricate details to my life rather than being a product of the broad&general... and now i'm just. GENERALLY STRESSED. just stressed, overall - and i am so mentally, physically, emotionally sick of it.
i don't want to cry over nothing. petty things. i want my balls back, you know, the ones that made me tough? strong? "oh but you're one of the strongest girls i know, and you're doing such good things" really? cause when i do something i just feel WEAK. defeated. anything i take on, i feel like it has already beat me.
please God, give me the strength to just... allow myself to have strength. it's all i ask.
