one thing i learned this week that may be obvious to everyone but myself is the following:

being happy does not mean always being happy. it means being able to accept that bad things happen, and not every feeling inside you is a good one. being happy means that, after adversity and pain and heart ache, in the scheme of things, you can still appreciate the *amazing* that is in your life while also being able to deal with (and not just push away) the bad.

i've always been that kind of person - if something bad happened, i'd just push it away. i'd deal with it in the dark... which is funny because i was always so focused on staying in the light so when did i ever really deal with my shit? never. so focused on trying to be happy that i forgot that everyone has their demons and if you suffocate them, they come back ten fold.

so now in the next little while.... i'll just... DEAL. deal with you leaving and possibly never coming back. i'll deal with it by engaging myself and loving the person who left and will sure enough be coming back. the person who is physically gone but always with me, around me... being in love is an incredible thing. you feel it in all emotions. you develop a hunger for all that comes out of being in love and at the same time you realize that each moment is fulfilling... it's always just this constant cycle of emotions. it really does feel so good when it's real.

to all the people i can depend on and see the potential in me to live my life out in incredible lengths and measures (regardless of your absence), i love you SO much. my back bone. so many people are focused on being able to be happy on their own but where's the fun in that? i can honestly say i have a handful of people that i will never forget because they love me more than i knew i was capable of being loved.

and to God, expect me to pray to you like 40 times a day... or at least holla at you on the regular. i have so much to thank you for and so many people to pray to you about... even if you aren't in my life as i had hoped, i just hope you're safe.