and do you remember that one time when i kissed you everywhere? in my head it feels like it was maybe thirty seconds but in reality, it was probably eight or nine or ten or maybe even more minutes.
and in that time i felt like i was trying to beat something. not time. not bad thoughts. i wasn't racing... i was just trying to win against the grain.
what grain though?
and as good as it felt to love someone so tenderly, i couldn't help but feel a slight undertone of sadness. trying to figure out why i couldn't just deal with my past when i WASN'T busy trying to make someone feel that way was bruising my insides.
so i muted my soul and continued kissing hoping that when i was done, my souls voice would be different. with clearer words and louder intentions. i wished so hard each time my lips parted that when this was over, when i had tuned back into reality, that i could emotionally be with you.
even though i was with you, in those few moments i wasn't really with you.
i was being selfish. i was making you a part of me. you wouldn't even know it. i wouldn't expect you to. i was opening old wounds. i was remembering all the times where i had laughed at the thought of catering to anyone but myself.
the grain was me.... i was trying to win against myself. i was trying to beat the old me. and when i surfaced, coming back to you in every single way imaginable, i had won. i beat the old me out of the water. i was new.
your fingertips, your chin with its light scruff, your chest, your arms.... my lips.
it was like buying the most amazing dress and returning it years later - with rips everywhere, and dirt all over it and some tears from those long nights of it being completely worn out. it was like the anticipated disappointment, the knot in your stomach from expecting the girl at the counter to laugh in your face (is she seriously trying to pull this right now?)... but instead the universe goes easy on you, and she helps you find a completely new dress and you know that this time... you have to take care of it. you have to treat it like the best thing anyone has ever given you. you have to be kind whenever you're in it and show it off and say nothing but good things about where you got it from and what it was made out of.
that new dress, is like my second chance.
