I know I give the people I love a hard time... The more I love u, the tougher it may get. I do it by instinct. I do it to protect myself. I never had it easy, so either work with me or don't expect much.

grown up christmas

although i'm sad i won't be with my family this year... i get to be with my baby (who is so, sooo good to me) and my second family. i am very, VERY excited. so excited, in fact, i made a list of all that i am excited for!

- christmas kisses
- making gingerbread houses
- first class cooking by first class people aka the boyfriends parents.... omg, 10 extra pounds. here we go
- christmas movies
- nba on the couch with my playboi
- ugly sweaters
- christmas cookie baking!
- panera/the med/goodtimes/tiger butter apples/ben&jerrys from kingsoopers/boulder baked/...etc, etc.
- tofu the cat
- being lazy pieces of crap all the time
- romantic evenings
- my first ever christmas/new years kiss :)
- hot tubbing in the cold! yayer.
- pretending to like wine
- & all the thousands of great things that comes with seeing my bay bay :)

Look what you done

I, never really had no one like you, man, this all new shit
Took my world and made it bigger
Changed the way that I viewed it

Itscrazy

I think about how many days in a row we've spoke and how every single one of those days you made me laugh my ass off.... And still make my heart drop to my knees. Your love is proof that bodies don't have souls, souls have bodies, and I would be lucky to love you in my next life.

I mean seriously... Look at this shit hahaha I'm sure only I find it funny but that's all that matters. Xo

when i try to open up to people my throat closes up and it's almost something like an allergic reaction... i don't know why i am that way but when i envision myself in terms of being personable, i see black and i hear quiet. i don't know what it is about talking about the way i feel that makes me feel like i can barely see straight... even the thought of it makes my heart hurt. maybe it's because i respond to every thing. i respond to people's feelings, the direction they look at when i'm trying to speak to them, the way their body goes still when a dark cloud starts to fester, or the way their tone changes when they are trying to sympathize/empathize with me.... but simply, cannot. i do not expect anyone to do so. i do not wish for anyone to be unhappy with me, that only makes the water rise higher. mostly, i just don't want to talk about it. i hate trying to make people understand something that i can barely understand myself. sometimes i think about "it," and it becomes just this huge hole, without any definition, depth, color, shape... just a big ass nothing. so if you ask me what's wrong, and i say nothing, i truly mean it.

sometimes i wear my heart on my sleeve and love people so much that some days, i just don't know if i'm really cut out for it. i don't know if i can love all & bare all because i feel myself constantly holding back and restraining all parts of me... the worst part to you, the best part to me, is that it actually feels natural. it always has. pushing away something, forgetting, ignoring, leaving... all of that feels so real and makes the most sense to me. i cannot take in any thing good without first confirming the bad. the bad makes it feel so real. sometimes i love so much that i hate myself for doing it and just wish i could get away from my thinking if even for a minute. my mind is so busy all the time i wonder if i'm ever going to feel peaceful ever again... or if i've ever felt peaceful. then i touch base with what i've always been surrounded by and wonder how anyone could feel peaceful. i wreak the most havoc in myself when i am sitting here, silent, saying nothing, emitting nothing, doing nothing. it's like i don't understand very much... and i'll be honest, i really do make an effort to. that's why it's so tragic.

it's so self destructive and i just don't see how one could be so selfish to ask someone else to be a part of all that. so i don't. i just stay quiet.

i used to pride myself with the thought that we could never fight that bad.

until we did.

now i pride myself on us being able to get that much stronger from it all.... fuck i'm so in love with you.

with everything. the way you yell. the way you smile. your silence. your flaws. your strengths that compromise all of that. how all these little things drive me crazy. the way you forgive me. the way you apologize. the way it feels knowing i can still go to you... my lover, my best friend. you are all the things that i cannot explain with words and i would be happy to spend my life showing you that.

bottom line, you're worth it... and we're going to do this right. simple. i'm still so sure.

i've never loved anyone the way i love you (especially this much...)

i miss you like craaaaaaaaaaaaaaazy.... but it is less than 2 & a half months until i get to see you again and feel like i'm home.


my first christmas in love & my first ever new years kiss... with the right person. couldn't have asked for a better year. you made my year & changed my life... & i'm so grateful for you, never forget that.

and i hate to tell u too much, cause i stay with too much pride/and we way too young to know love, maybe not but, we dont need no rush/dont believe in love at first sight, but i believe in love at first...

dreamers

today i saw a tweet that said "if unicorns exist in our imagination, what if we exist in theirs?"

and then i started thinking really hard. what if that perfect person isn't as far as we make them seem? we make them seem like they are years away, miles away, impossible to locate. but what if they were always right there? or right around the corner? and we ourselves just failed to have a bigger imagination.

it's kind of like... okay, i went to a j.cole show last month. i expected it to be amazing but it actually blew my mind. two piano players on stage and an interactive, straight up live dj. no bullshit. it was better than i expected. i didn't think much of it before that, but now i have higher expectations for concerts than i have ever had prior to his.

so i kind of look at people the same way. expect good, and in turn you may even receive great. sure, there are a lot of shitty people out there, but it is not far-fetched to go looking for someone with a good heart, who wants the same kind of love you do.

i never thought i was being realistic when i thought of myself falling in love with the "right" person. i kind of figured i was setting myself up for disappointment for the rest of my life... i was dead or something. clearly. but i found someone who turned that all around and now i know myself that i am completely different in love. in good love. not that crazy stuff that kills you slowly.

for the first time ever, i woke up early and cooked breakfast for two... left my boyfriend in bed and told him to relax and i'll get him when it's ready. it wasn't much, eggs bacon and toast, but it was the first time i ever did something like that for someone.

i used to imagine that being in love was having someone treat me like a princess. i mean, i do have that. but it feels just as good, maybe even better, to treat him the way he deserves. & a love like that used to be completely beyond my imagination.

quiet night in, just me and you, tea, short ribs on the george foreman, rice cooker on... even if i got a little cold it's always better with you :) can't wait til the day that this is just our life and a normal everyday thing.

everything i wanted was right there

and finally... a year after this post, it was you. :)

september 23, 2010

dude this is so cute. i CANT.

to the love of my life:

you are so special to me, and so relative to my life on so many levels.... the effort you make to be close with my family, the way you prove to me that i can trust you, the way you say all the things i need to hear & most importantly the way you love me. i couldn't ask for more of you, and it'll take some time but we'll work at it. but most importantly, we'll make it. the biggest reason that i love you is no matter whether or not shit hits the fan, you never threaten me with the reality that you could be with someone else/be somewhere else, or that you'd leave... i know at the end of the day, you're still my baby, and you're still going to be there, loving me, no less than you did before. i adore you completely for that. i could never find a way to leave you cause everything i want ends right at you. see you in 9 days :)

full out or get out

today i bought a big bag of chips from shoppers. on sale, for $1.29. bbq flavor.

i mean they're chips how do you fuck that up, right?

wrong.

tasted like shit.

anyway my whole point is don't settle for less and don't be the person that puts up a front that they do well yet half-asses everything. do the whole thing, do it RIGHT, even if it doesn't turn out as planned, at least you can sleep knowing you're efficient and dependable.

but if you're gonna do something just to do it and not put any genuine effort into it.... don't bother, there's a million people who will do the exact same.

be useful. do it all and do it right, or just don't do it.

even at 4am in the morning... still the best

this is so on point it's UUUUNREAL

"To all the boys I’ve loved before, for showing me I deserved so much more.

But most of all to my father. The guy that loved me SO MUCH he couldn’t even sign his name on a piece of paper, because he wasn’t there. The guy who didn’t make me his little Princess, or let me know that no one will ever be good enough for me. The guy who didn’t teach me how to do a proper lay-up, or how to play the guitar, or how to drive a stick. The guy who didn’t cringe in disapproval at my too revealing prom-dresses, or shine his shotgun in the living room whenever a date would pick me up. The guy who will never make me Mickey Mouse pancakes or offer me allowance even when I’m 35. The guy who never braided my hair ugly on picture day, or drank tea with me and my teddy-bears. The guy who never kissed me on my forehead and told me I was beautiful, and the guy who will NEVER walk me down the aisle at my wedding.

Holy shit that sounds like a sob story doesn’t it? It is, but please don’t feel sorry for me if you do. Because this is also the same man who taught me how to fill my own voids, and love myself when the people who ultimately should – won’t. All joking and sarcasm aside, he is the same man who proved that blood isn’t always as thick as water. He enforced the quote “Friends are the family you choose for yourself.” He taught me how NOT to handle my responsibilities, how NOT to set my priorities straight, and what NOT to look for in a man.

But most importantly he taught me how NOT to love."

girlsarethenewboys.com

i focus on the future cause that's the only place i wanna be

why would you stay somewhere that you hate when you yourself have ALL the potential/power to change that?

you wouldn't. if you knew better.

san diego, i'm coming home. see ya soon :)

just a girl

I don't consider myself a girly girl.... but, I don't consider myself a nitty-gritty, wannabe tomboy hood-special either.

I don't like to get my nails done, or do my nails, but I feel better when they look nice (on the rare occasion).

I don't get along better with guys, or girls, I mostly just get along with whoever isn't pissing me off at that moment. Dick or pussy. Doesn't really matter.

I don't pride myself on listening to hip hop or rap or expect you to differentiate me based purely on the music I listen to - because well, I really like justin bieber. Usher. Motown. Every sad & once-relatable slow jam imaginable. As much as I enjoy getting my head-banger on, I ain't ashamed to say there's times I let myself cry over Babyface for absolutely no reason... just because. Don't get me wrong, I love hip hop, rap, all of that, but it isn't the root of me. I love all music.

I don't care to longboard, play video games, drive "boy-ish" cars. Those are all fun things, don't get me wrong. But I have poor coordination. I'm over-competitive, and I'm actually much better as support than opponent... and I'm happy with my little corolla. It's tiny like me, gets me where I need to go, costs $35 bucks to fill up... but it doesn't make loud noises or make guys want to race me. Who gives a shit?

I put lipstick on and take it off cause I get hungry. And cause I feel silly, usually. My hair kind of does itself... I gave up on it already. I follow a simple makeup routine every day and only switch it up when I have time or the desire to do so. I don't care to impress many boys, other than my own. Actually, I could give a fuck. I mean, there's times I give a fuck. But in all honesty there's a small amount of people in the world that I clean up for. Tiny. Micro.

But just because I'm not overly girly or boyish doesn't mean I'm not a regular girl underneath whatever all this is. I'm not "hard" and black hearted. As far as my "independence" goes, ie. paying bills and supporting myself, I do it. I don't care to, I just have to. I don't want to, I just do. Sometimes I complain, sometimes I'm humbled, but mostly, I'm just stressed. Emotionally, I really don't think I'm that independent. I'm still sensitive. Still need love. Still need to feel special. Still need someone to go out of their way to prove they're crazy about me. Still will tell you, "I'll wait, but I fucking hate waiting." Still won't settle for less after having next to nothing. I don't expect much of myself, which really, has resulted in me expecting less of others, but that doesn't mean I don't want to be that girl.

You know. The one that feels good about herself. The special one.

It's hard to tell someone "you hurt me," or "you're hurting me" emotionally. It's hard to fall in love with a person and bask in all the greatness of love and then break even and just spew out fire... but it's worth it. It's worth it to tell the person, "I love you, but that makes me feel like shit." Why? Because. It just goes to show... you can never really love a person without hurting them. To love someone is to peel back their layers, expose their scars, resurface their pain, test them, stress them out, burn them... just so that you can prove that you can do just the opposite: heal them, support them, show them their true colours and make them feel ALIVE, and be there to swim like fucking crazy when they start to drown. Pull them out of the water. Then, push them back in and force them to take risks and be there when they can risk no more. Balance them. Heat the fuck out of them, and then be there to walk through the fire together. No matter how much it burns, if you come out of it alive, together, with burns and scars, your skin will only toughen and you can only take each other for granted less and less.

This love... that's what it's about. I'll always fight for it.

dancin alone cause she extra fly

but i got a good look so i catch ya eye

gave the rest a try now give the best a try

leave ya nest to fly ill make you testify

all of this is new to me and this ain't what i'm used to seein, cause i never been i love before...