if i'm going to love somebody...
i want to do it right.
you know? i mean it takes a lot for me to love someone. a lot of pride being let go. a lot of walls torn down. a lot of courage to even allow myself to step out of my personal boundary and respect someone else's enough to want to change myself, to fit them. a lot of convincing myself that i will only settle for the love i deserve - and the kind of love i deserve is what ANYONE deserves, good or bad.
a love that is pure, truthful and deep.
my birthday month flower is a narcissus - rooting from the Greek term "narikissos" which means numbness.
numbness.
overcoming my sense of self-love and looking past my "i'm the only one who can love me" love and allowing all those wounds to open back up, heal, and FEEL again.... that's probably THE HARDEST part. in fact, i can't think of a more difficult task that would dawn upon me in the process of trying to explain all the ways that i try to love someone.
some people say if you love them, you just do. and it just happens. i sort of agree with that and at the same time - i call bullshit. you can love someone but not know how to express it the right way.
like say your father who was a hard ass all those years and on his death bed he finally told you something you've always been waiting for - well shit i'm not trying to wait until i'm half dead to show/prove to someone i love them the right way, even though i did all these years. right? so regardless, if you love somebody, it's like a talent: it must be practiced and perfected and you must allow for mistakes but hope for the best out of all of your efforts.
i want to love someone deep.
deep like, buried underneath myself, never going to be able to diffuse it out of my HEART deep.
i want to love someone whole.
whole like, all around me, filling my veins like venom, touching each pore of my lungs even when it feels like i'm not breathing, the curl in my toes and the wrinkles that aren't even on my face whole.
i want to love someone reckless.
reckless like, i don't give a fuck about tomorrow.... i love you so much today. i'm going to show you how much i love you today. i'm going to love you, TODAY.
i want to love someone desperate.
desperate like, if it doesn't weaken my knees when i'm not even moving and it doesn't steal every second breath and it doesn't triple the amount of heart palpitations in a minute when he says my name, then i don't want it.
and, i want to love someone right.
right like, the way they need to be loved. the way i need to love. the little words at the end of every phone call. the reassurance of just how much it kills me and at the same time allows me to live, simply by loving them. the soft look that tells them all the millions of reasons why i love them.
if i'm going to love someone....
i'm gonna go all out. you know? love is strong. not weak. so i'm going to treat it like the biggest antidote and the biggest poison. fight for it and not because of it. be soft, but love HARD.
