in the past few months i've noticed that my favorite bloggers have had... some sort of mental block. i find that their realest, most relatable posts are when they lay it all out, bare their emotions thin and don't bullshit a single thing.

it's almost like.... they write their hearts out until they feel different. might as well give it a shot.

there are these times where i feel nothing; and then one person, whether relative to my life or completely random, makes a small comment and i feel like i have to change the world. maybe it's this fire in me, i don't know, but when i believe in something, i pour all my faith into it expecting it to change my life.

it never does. well. maybe a slight alteration. i can never, EVER, figure out why there's this void inside me that needs to be filled with extremist changes. i can never find the reason WHY.

why do i treat the future like it's somewhere i'm just going to end up? the future is no option. it comes at you every second. but then i think that without glancing at what the future could be, i will never feel secure about the paths i choose to take me there. so that's what it's about. security.
why do i feel the need to transform my surroundings so often? i will never learn the true meaning of consistency. or maybe i could learn to entertain the idea of consistent transformation. or maybe it's because there's been so little in my life that's consistent [insert sob story here], that the thought of something actually sticking to me/my life is scary. so that's what it is? fear of balance.

it's so hard for me to explain what i'm feeling. this frustration. this need to be balanced but disregard to contain and maintain the balance. the overall stress i feel due to nothing, yet contributed by everything. the indifference to the things that used to be important to me... sometimes, i just want to give in. i have spent my whole life being stubborn. and yes, i just want to give up and give in; but the most unsettling part of it all... is that i don't even know what i'm giving into yet.

but as always.... Raaachem says it best, in words that i could never find, for feelings i always feel.


"I was told last night that I was strong woman.  I told him it was because I didn’t have a choice.   I don’t care to be strong.  My only concern right now is my health and my happiness.   I understand that happiness isn’t a destination but a state of mind, and I know everything that shines ain’t always gonna be gold.  I know this, but I still struggle. 


I’m struggling.  Still."


do i feel any different after writing this post? maybe a little more sad than i started out. not the kind of liberating different i was looking for, and again... that is why i probably feel this way. i expect liberating happiness in all that i do and refuse to settle for less. give me a little while, i'll find out if that's my rise or my falling.