this past weekend i watched the entire first season of E!'s "Married to Rock"
it's a reality show that features rockstars Steve Stevens, Duff McKagan, Perry Farrell, their wives, and Billy Duffy and his girlfriend. why are Billy and his girlfriend, AJ Celi (girlcruuuush) on the show... if they aren't even frickin married? it's married to rock, not married to rock except for those guys but let's toss em into there anyhow.
their lack of "traditional commitment" is why they instantly became the most intriguing couple to me from episode one. i could almost smell the love roller coaster in the 8 episodes to come.
through out the season there was a showcase of their somewhat tentative "happiness" ... they obviously had built a life during the few years they were together (living together and such), but it wasn't enough for AJ. she wanted the commitment (marriage). she didn't want someone who wanted the best of both worlds (a relationship/a bachelor "rock star" lifestyle...). she sure as hell didn't want someone who didn't want the exact same things as her (she even came *THIS* close to proposing to HIM).
respectable, right? i mean, nothing better than a woman who knows exactly what she wants. i can definitely feel for her on all levels. but at the same time, as empowering as her showcase was - they are nearly perfect for each other. like so perfect that it breaks my heart. the way they look at each other, their compatible display of humor, their natural display of love... even the way they KISS. it was so beautiful and they were instantly my favorite couple. everything was so good in terms of being together, but he's fifty, she's thirty, and certainly not getting any younger. she wanted kids and a family and a ring on her left hand, and he already felt like he was past his prime and didn't feel the need to change anything for himself... and definitely not for her.
it is just... such a familiar thing that i've witnessed over and over. he's perfect for her and she's perfect for him, and he knows exactly what to say to make her stay and she knows exactly what to do to make him choke on his words. she doesn't want to be with anyone else, and neither does he. they are beautiful together and they joke about marriage but it scares him and hurts her and every day he feels more pressured and everyday she feels more anxious...
and no matter how young or how old you are, no matter how happy somebody makes you, at some point if you just don't want the same things in life - LIFE. STILL. HAPPENS. life doesn't stop, slow down, or change it's mind, unless you do. do you think AJ will ever not want to get married? no. her biological clock's alarm is buzzing off like crazy, and she is sure as hell tired of hitting snooze.
but really it's just so sad to watch. you can't change what you want, and when it comes to a relationship, you can't fake what you want either... it will always, always backfire. you can't teach somebody how to love you the way you want them to, because one day they might not love you at all, especially if you don't open a window for them to love you the way they know/need to love. i mean we all need love, it's obvious. i hear girls say it all the time - "i need him to love me like this..." BUT he, and we ALL, need to love someone in a certain way. love and be loved. simple as that. there's no formula or set doctrine. it just happens.
life just happens.
love just happens.
you have to and are wise to let both of them happen naturally. or else you lose sight of both.
