Sunday, March 6, 2011
c. sheen
"because i was people pleasing for too long, and when you're people pleasing, your soul is dead. cause at the end of the day you're left with yourself and you think, 'God, i didn't take care of myself. AGAIN.'"
to be continued
to be continued
Friday, March 4, 2011
one thing i learned this week that may be obvious to everyone but myself is the following:
being happy does not mean always being happy. it means being able to accept that bad things happen, and not every feeling inside you is a good one. being happy means that, after adversity and pain and heart ache, in the scheme of things, you can still appreciate the *amazing* that is in your life while also being able to deal with (and not just push away) the bad.
i've always been that kind of person - if something bad happened, i'd just push it away. i'd deal with it in the dark... which is funny because i was always so focused on staying in the light so when did i ever really deal with my shit? never. so focused on trying to be happy that i forgot that everyone has their demons and if you suffocate them, they come back ten fold.
so now in the next little while.... i'll just... DEAL. deal with you leaving and possibly never coming back. i'll deal with it by engaging myself and loving the person who left and will sure enough be coming back. the person who is physically gone but always with me, around me... being in love is an incredible thing. you feel it in all emotions. you develop a hunger for all that comes out of being in love and at the same time you realize that each moment is fulfilling... it's always just this constant cycle of emotions. it really does feel so good when it's real.
to all the people i can depend on and see the potential in me to live my life out in incredible lengths and measures (regardless of your absence), i love you SO much. my back bone. so many people are focused on being able to be happy on their own but where's the fun in that? i can honestly say i have a handful of people that i will never forget because they love me more than i knew i was capable of being loved.
and to God, expect me to pray to you like 40 times a day... or at least holla at you on the regular. i have so much to thank you for and so many people to pray to you about... even if you aren't in my life as i had hoped, i just hope you're safe.
being happy does not mean always being happy. it means being able to accept that bad things happen, and not every feeling inside you is a good one. being happy means that, after adversity and pain and heart ache, in the scheme of things, you can still appreciate the *amazing* that is in your life while also being able to deal with (and not just push away) the bad.
i've always been that kind of person - if something bad happened, i'd just push it away. i'd deal with it in the dark... which is funny because i was always so focused on staying in the light so when did i ever really deal with my shit? never. so focused on trying to be happy that i forgot that everyone has their demons and if you suffocate them, they come back ten fold.
so now in the next little while.... i'll just... DEAL. deal with you leaving and possibly never coming back. i'll deal with it by engaging myself and loving the person who left and will sure enough be coming back. the person who is physically gone but always with me, around me... being in love is an incredible thing. you feel it in all emotions. you develop a hunger for all that comes out of being in love and at the same time you realize that each moment is fulfilling... it's always just this constant cycle of emotions. it really does feel so good when it's real.
to all the people i can depend on and see the potential in me to live my life out in incredible lengths and measures (regardless of your absence), i love you SO much. my back bone. so many people are focused on being able to be happy on their own but where's the fun in that? i can honestly say i have a handful of people that i will never forget because they love me more than i knew i was capable of being loved.
and to God, expect me to pray to you like 40 times a day... or at least holla at you on the regular. i have so much to thank you for and so many people to pray to you about... even if you aren't in my life as i had hoped, i just hope you're safe.
Monday, February 28, 2011
save myself
Burst through your door. Strip down. Put on his t-shirt. Stare at your phone for a second. Jump into bed. Wrap his blanket around you as if you're about to die.
Cry.
What the fuck, did someone die or what? No? Quit acting like it.
But you can't really help it. You spent so much time in this bed with him that you forgot what it was like to be in it alone. Was it always this cold? Cry again. Stare. At nothing. Stare at the floor. Stare at your dresser. Stare at your closet. Stare. At nothing.
Now stop. Save yourself.
I know it hurts. I know it hurts everywhere. I know the thought that every step you take in your room, he took a step there too. Or his shirt was there. Or his hoodie. I know, his empty boxes of vans are sitting near your door and I also know the bottle of Rose is staring back at you but YOU NEED TO STOP.
Because it's not over. In fact, look at it this way... it's just beginning. That time you spent together is just a preview of what's going to come. You guys are so magical together, you've heard it a million times from others so just remember that. These things take time. You just need to be patient. Train yourself. Listen to yourself. Be patient with yourself. Be gentle. Remember why it hurts so much to begin with.
It hurts because the love you share is that good. Don't forget that. Don't lose yourself over love when you should just... love yourself, over love. It's really that simple.
Be happy. He's alive. You're alive. He loves you. You love him. Be happy to be so in love that it hurts.
Love hurts sometimes when you do it right... - so save some room for him in your heart. Have your little cry session, empty out, and let him back in. Cause when you do... it'll feel so good. [Insert number of days] without love makes one weak but be real with yourself, you have more love than a lot of people can understand. You have someone who loves you no matter how far away they are.
That's beautiful. You should really keep reminding yourself that.
Love,
me.
P.S. just start counting the days again. Be excited. It's a good look on you.
Cry.
What the fuck, did someone die or what? No? Quit acting like it.
But you can't really help it. You spent so much time in this bed with him that you forgot what it was like to be in it alone. Was it always this cold? Cry again. Stare. At nothing. Stare at the floor. Stare at your dresser. Stare at your closet. Stare. At nothing.
Now stop. Save yourself.
I know it hurts. I know it hurts everywhere. I know the thought that every step you take in your room, he took a step there too. Or his shirt was there. Or his hoodie. I know, his empty boxes of vans are sitting near your door and I also know the bottle of Rose is staring back at you but YOU NEED TO STOP.
Because it's not over. In fact, look at it this way... it's just beginning. That time you spent together is just a preview of what's going to come. You guys are so magical together, you've heard it a million times from others so just remember that. These things take time. You just need to be patient. Train yourself. Listen to yourself. Be patient with yourself. Be gentle. Remember why it hurts so much to begin with.
It hurts because the love you share is that good. Don't forget that. Don't lose yourself over love when you should just... love yourself, over love. It's really that simple.
Be happy. He's alive. You're alive. He loves you. You love him. Be happy to be so in love that it hurts.
Love hurts sometimes when you do it right... - so save some room for him in your heart. Have your little cry session, empty out, and let him back in. Cause when you do... it'll feel so good. [Insert number of days] without love makes one weak but be real with yourself, you have more love than a lot of people can understand. You have someone who loves you no matter how far away they are.
That's beautiful. You should really keep reminding yourself that.
Love,
me.
P.S. just start counting the days again. Be excited. It's a good look on you.
Friday, February 25, 2011
untitled pt.2
i'm laying here.
you're laying there.
next to me, and you are as close as one could get, but the thought that you'll be on your way soon makes you feel so... far.
bittersweet. that's how it feels.
sweet that i could be so blessed to feel this happy again...
bitter that i'm re-introduced to the feeling of how afraid i am to lose it.
but i don't say anything. i let your hands rush over me like fire and calm me like the rain at four in the morning.
i love you. it makes me cry, it makes me smile.
you're laying there.
next to me, and you are as close as one could get, but the thought that you'll be on your way soon makes you feel so... far.
bittersweet. that's how it feels.
sweet that i could be so blessed to feel this happy again...
bitter that i'm re-introduced to the feeling of how afraid i am to lose it.
but i don't say anything. i let your hands rush over me like fire and calm me like the rain at four in the morning.
i love you. it makes me cry, it makes me smile.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
*been busy. that's all i can say really. :x
it's kind of like.
we've always been together.
when you're here, it's hard to believe that someone who fits so perfectly into my life is the farthest thing from it.
the way i nestle into your shoulder and how well i sleep each night. it's painful to have to be reminded constantly that this kind of happiness can only be taken in doses.
you're right, though... kinda crazy how this works for us huh?
i love you though. and everything you do. whether it's grabbing me a glass of water or grabbing my best friend's ipod that she forgot to take in the restaurant.
everything just seems to work. our simplicity, and at times our complexity. the small things, the big things.
they all just... work. nothing makes more sense than you.
it's kind of like.
we've always been together.
when you're here, it's hard to believe that someone who fits so perfectly into my life is the farthest thing from it.
the way i nestle into your shoulder and how well i sleep each night. it's painful to have to be reminded constantly that this kind of happiness can only be taken in doses.
you're right, though... kinda crazy how this works for us huh?
i love you though. and everything you do. whether it's grabbing me a glass of water or grabbing my best friend's ipod that she forgot to take in the restaurant.
everything just seems to work. our simplicity, and at times our complexity. the small things, the big things.
they all just... work. nothing makes more sense than you.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Dear you,
I only hope that you find the love you need to give to yourself to fully comprehend that this letter is in fact, for you.
First off, I love you. I think you deserve everything. Sure, there's times where you are a mess and you are the source of the lone pimple on my face and the one reason why my hair is going to fall out one day; but I will never love you any less. Sometimes you even neglect to take your phone off silent. It's okay. Really. You balance everyone else out.
I know you all too well. You stay up all night thinking, allowing yourself to (for hours on end) listen to music that seeps into your heart and build a little home for itself. John Mayer, The Fray... Old songs. Those songs. Everything that reminds you of him. From the hip-hop to the song you laughed to and uh you know, all that good stuff. You just lay in bed, and you feel. You feel the blue in your soul. The red in your blood. I bet if you think hard enough you can even conjure up the way he used to smell, when he was there, right next to you, at any given time. I bet you can remember the exact locations of his "smile-wrinkles" and I bet you fantasize about how you could spot him in 0.3 seconds in any room.
Regardless if the room is dark or not.
Because as long as he's in that room, there's a light.
So here, take this and please, swallow it, bottle it up and put it on your pocket, tie it around your neck, vacuum seal it in your heart, and eat it for every meal of the day. You deserve to be that happy. The kind of happy that you're lusting after each night. The kind of happy that curls the edges of your lips and tingles in your stomach. The kind of happy that you almost had... Just be patient baby girl. Don't be afraid to lose it, because God gives to those what he feels is right. All you have to do is allow him to live in you and let you love again, you know why? Because you are fully capable of receiving and housing a love that is that strong. The kind of love that makes me excited to possibly have it in my own hands one day, with mine.
The kind of love that keeps you up at night. You deserve to sleep some more. The kind of love that holds that grey cloud over your head. You used to have sun shining out of your ass. The kind of love that puts a spell on other people... We see you, we know you, and although we love you, we cant stand seeing you lose that magic.
So please. Look in the mirror. Say it straight up:
I deserve what I want.
Go get it. You need this, and we need you back 100%. The "you" that was a shining example to everyone around you about how you could have love, God, friendship, family, everything. Let yourself love again, and if all else fails, please, promise me this:
You'll love yourself no matter what. We love you, you should too.
Love with all my heart with the amount of all the peas in the world,
Me.
I only hope that you find the love you need to give to yourself to fully comprehend that this letter is in fact, for you.
First off, I love you. I think you deserve everything. Sure, there's times where you are a mess and you are the source of the lone pimple on my face and the one reason why my hair is going to fall out one day; but I will never love you any less. Sometimes you even neglect to take your phone off silent. It's okay. Really. You balance everyone else out.
I know you all too well. You stay up all night thinking, allowing yourself to (for hours on end) listen to music that seeps into your heart and build a little home for itself. John Mayer, The Fray... Old songs. Those songs. Everything that reminds you of him. From the hip-hop to the song you laughed to and uh you know, all that good stuff. You just lay in bed, and you feel. You feel the blue in your soul. The red in your blood. I bet if you think hard enough you can even conjure up the way he used to smell, when he was there, right next to you, at any given time. I bet you can remember the exact locations of his "smile-wrinkles" and I bet you fantasize about how you could spot him in 0.3 seconds in any room.
Regardless if the room is dark or not.
Because as long as he's in that room, there's a light.
So here, take this and please, swallow it, bottle it up and put it on your pocket, tie it around your neck, vacuum seal it in your heart, and eat it for every meal of the day. You deserve to be that happy. The kind of happy that you're lusting after each night. The kind of happy that curls the edges of your lips and tingles in your stomach. The kind of happy that you almost had... Just be patient baby girl. Don't be afraid to lose it, because God gives to those what he feels is right. All you have to do is allow him to live in you and let you love again, you know why? Because you are fully capable of receiving and housing a love that is that strong. The kind of love that makes me excited to possibly have it in my own hands one day, with mine.
The kind of love that keeps you up at night. You deserve to sleep some more. The kind of love that holds that grey cloud over your head. You used to have sun shining out of your ass. The kind of love that puts a spell on other people... We see you, we know you, and although we love you, we cant stand seeing you lose that magic.
So please. Look in the mirror. Say it straight up:
I deserve what I want.
Go get it. You need this, and we need you back 100%. The "you" that was a shining example to everyone around you about how you could have love, God, friendship, family, everything. Let yourself love again, and if all else fails, please, promise me this:
You'll love yourself no matter what. We love you, you should too.
Love with all my heart with the amount of all the peas in the world,
Me.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
just a thought
if i'm going to love somebody...
i want to do it right.
you know? i mean it takes a lot for me to love someone. a lot of pride being let go. a lot of walls torn down. a lot of courage to even allow myself to step out of my personal boundary and respect someone else's enough to want to change myself, to fit them. a lot of convincing myself that i will only settle for the love i deserve - and the kind of love i deserve is what ANYONE deserves, good or bad.
a love that is pure, truthful and deep.
my birthday month flower is a narcissus - rooting from the Greek term "narikissos" which means numbness.
numbness.
overcoming my sense of self-love and looking past my "i'm the only one who can love me" love and allowing all those wounds to open back up, heal, and FEEL again.... that's probably THE HARDEST part. in fact, i can't think of a more difficult task that would dawn upon me in the process of trying to explain all the ways that i try to love someone.
some people say if you love them, you just do. and it just happens. i sort of agree with that and at the same time - i call bullshit. you can love someone but not know how to express it the right way.
like say your father who was a hard ass all those years and on his death bed he finally told you something you've always been waiting for - well shit i'm not trying to wait until i'm half dead to show/prove to someone i love them the right way, even though i did all these years. right? so regardless, if you love somebody, it's like a talent: it must be practiced and perfected and you must allow for mistakes but hope for the best out of all of your efforts.
i want to love someone deep.
deep like, buried underneath myself, never going to be able to diffuse it out of my HEART deep.
i want to love someone whole.
whole like, all around me, filling my veins like venom, touching each pore of my lungs even when it feels like i'm not breathing, the curl in my toes and the wrinkles that aren't even on my face whole.
i want to love someone reckless.
reckless like, i don't give a fuck about tomorrow.... i love you so much today. i'm going to show you how much i love you today. i'm going to love you, TODAY.
i want to love someone desperate.
desperate like, if it doesn't weaken my knees when i'm not even moving and it doesn't steal every second breath and it doesn't triple the amount of heart palpitations in a minute when he says my name, then i don't want it.
and, i want to love someone right.
right like, the way they need to be loved. the way i need to love. the little words at the end of every phone call. the reassurance of just how much it kills me and at the same time allows me to live, simply by loving them. the soft look that tells them all the millions of reasons why i love them.
if i'm going to love someone....
i'm gonna go all out. you know? love is strong. not weak. so i'm going to treat it like the biggest antidote and the biggest poison. fight for it and not because of it. be soft, but love HARD.
i want to do it right.
you know? i mean it takes a lot for me to love someone. a lot of pride being let go. a lot of walls torn down. a lot of courage to even allow myself to step out of my personal boundary and respect someone else's enough to want to change myself, to fit them. a lot of convincing myself that i will only settle for the love i deserve - and the kind of love i deserve is what ANYONE deserves, good or bad.
a love that is pure, truthful and deep.
my birthday month flower is a narcissus - rooting from the Greek term "narikissos" which means numbness.
numbness.
overcoming my sense of self-love and looking past my "i'm the only one who can love me" love and allowing all those wounds to open back up, heal, and FEEL again.... that's probably THE HARDEST part. in fact, i can't think of a more difficult task that would dawn upon me in the process of trying to explain all the ways that i try to love someone.
some people say if you love them, you just do. and it just happens. i sort of agree with that and at the same time - i call bullshit. you can love someone but not know how to express it the right way.
like say your father who was a hard ass all those years and on his death bed he finally told you something you've always been waiting for - well shit i'm not trying to wait until i'm half dead to show/prove to someone i love them the right way, even though i did all these years. right? so regardless, if you love somebody, it's like a talent: it must be practiced and perfected and you must allow for mistakes but hope for the best out of all of your efforts.
i want to love someone deep.
deep like, buried underneath myself, never going to be able to diffuse it out of my HEART deep.
i want to love someone whole.
whole like, all around me, filling my veins like venom, touching each pore of my lungs even when it feels like i'm not breathing, the curl in my toes and the wrinkles that aren't even on my face whole.
i want to love someone reckless.
reckless like, i don't give a fuck about tomorrow.... i love you so much today. i'm going to show you how much i love you today. i'm going to love you, TODAY.
i want to love someone desperate.
desperate like, if it doesn't weaken my knees when i'm not even moving and it doesn't steal every second breath and it doesn't triple the amount of heart palpitations in a minute when he says my name, then i don't want it.
and, i want to love someone right.
right like, the way they need to be loved. the way i need to love. the little words at the end of every phone call. the reassurance of just how much it kills me and at the same time allows me to live, simply by loving them. the soft look that tells them all the millions of reasons why i love them.
if i'm going to love someone....
i'm gonna go all out. you know? love is strong. not weak. so i'm going to treat it like the biggest antidote and the biggest poison. fight for it and not because of it. be soft, but love HARD.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
everyday that passes by, i seem to want you more and more...
she got the long dark hair
her skin quite fair
and big gold dangly earrings in the air
and all i really cared about was making us grow
with or without the cash, moolah, paper, or dough
she was kind of on the humble
but stung me on the bumble
her skin quite fair
and big gold dangly earrings in the air
and all i really cared about was making us grow
with or without the cash, moolah, paper, or dough
she was kind of on the humble
but stung me on the bumble
Friday, February 4, 2011
happy birthday
yet another year without you and yet another year that i can't even tune in to this "obligation" i feel to greet you directly.
so here.
happy birthday,
thanks for missing mine
happy birthday,
thanks for missing hers
happy birthday,
thanks for missing my graduation
happy birthday,
thanks for missing his
happy birthday,
and hers
happy birthday,
i learned to be softer since your last birthday... learned to let love in and forgive you for the love you neglected to give
so yeah
best wishes
happy birthday pops
so here.
happy birthday,
thanks for missing mine
happy birthday,
thanks for missing hers
happy birthday,
thanks for missing my graduation
happy birthday,
thanks for missing his
happy birthday,
and hers
happy birthday,
i learned to be softer since your last birthday... learned to let love in and forgive you for the love you neglected to give
so yeah
best wishes
happy birthday pops
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
one and only
You've been on my mind
I grow fonder every day, lose myself in time
Just thinking of your face
God only knows
Why it's taking me so long... to let my doubts go
You're the only one that I want
I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before
Every feeling every word, I've imagined it all,
You never know if you never tried to forgive your past
And simply be mine
I dare you to let me be all, the one and only
Promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance
To prove I'm the one who can
Walk them miles
Until the air starts
Warping on your mind
I grow fonder every day, lose myself in time
Just thinking of your face
God only knows
Why it's taking me so long... to let my doubts go
You're the only one that I want
I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before
Every feeling every word, I've imagined it all,
You never know if you never tried to forgive your past
And simply be mine
I dare you to let me be all, the one and only
Promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance
To prove I'm the one who can
Walk them miles
Until the air starts
Warping on your mind
Friday, January 28, 2011
untitled pt.1
* NOTE: this is my first time ever publicly writing like this (fictional form) so.... haha..... yeah. I'm gay. :)
*blackberry red light goes off*
That light. I hate it. I also love it. I hate the color red. But when I miss him, it's automatically my color of choice.
I think about the times when that light used to mean a reply that I used all my might to avoid. I think about how it used to be a "fuck you," or a "goodbye," or even a pathetic "I'm sorry." All very long versions of those three, sometimes combined, but always unnecessary regardless.
It's been a while, and that hasn't been the case lately. That's okay. Oh, shit. The light is still going off.
"I'm gunna miss you"
This kid. I lose my cool for a second and thank every God to every religion that he isn't here to witness "the gay." I'm talking like, some serious gay. But then I realize that I do wish he was here and everything feels bad. And good. And shit, I don't even know what to say for a second. I want to say a million things without having to use words. I fucking hate texting, actually. But it's all we have right now, so I push past the sting and muster up what I can find in myself.
"I miss you already :("
Fuck that. I never used to be that girl. The one who spoke through her emotions rather than her head. The one who let her emotions get the best of her. The one who was petrified when love looked at her, but now looks back. Wondering. Anticipating.
I'm that girl now. The one who wishes she was home tonight. The one who wishes this was their trip, and not just hers. The one who plays their conversations over and over like they were songs.
They are songs, though. At least I think so. I think he holds a low bass line in my heart and every time a high pitch hits, it's him. And it's me. It's us. Every high, every low of this song of ours, it speaks and it sings and it melodically tells a story. Our story. And all at the same time, it says nothing at all, because even the silence soothes my soul and when we're down to one last beat, his voice is the sweetest thing, and then suddenly we're rising back up again. This momentum, it never ends, does it? It is definitely something.
This song of ours.
I'm so glad I pressed play.
*blackberry red light goes off*
That light. I hate it. I also love it. I hate the color red. But when I miss him, it's automatically my color of choice.
I think about the times when that light used to mean a reply that I used all my might to avoid. I think about how it used to be a "fuck you," or a "goodbye," or even a pathetic "I'm sorry." All very long versions of those three, sometimes combined, but always unnecessary regardless.
It's been a while, and that hasn't been the case lately. That's okay. Oh, shit. The light is still going off.
"I'm gunna miss you"
This kid. I lose my cool for a second and thank every God to every religion that he isn't here to witness "the gay." I'm talking like, some serious gay. But then I realize that I do wish he was here and everything feels bad. And good. And shit, I don't even know what to say for a second. I want to say a million things without having to use words. I fucking hate texting, actually. But it's all we have right now, so I push past the sting and muster up what I can find in myself.
"I miss you already :("
Fuck that. I never used to be that girl. The one who spoke through her emotions rather than her head. The one who let her emotions get the best of her. The one who was petrified when love looked at her, but now looks back. Wondering. Anticipating.
I'm that girl now. The one who wishes she was home tonight. The one who wishes this was their trip, and not just hers. The one who plays their conversations over and over like they were songs.
They are songs, though. At least I think so. I think he holds a low bass line in my heart and every time a high pitch hits, it's him. And it's me. It's us. Every high, every low of this song of ours, it speaks and it sings and it melodically tells a story. Our story. And all at the same time, it says nothing at all, because even the silence soothes my soul and when we're down to one last beat, his voice is the sweetest thing, and then suddenly we're rising back up again. This momentum, it never ends, does it? It is definitely something.
This song of ours.
I'm so glad I pressed play.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
baby open your eyes
even when you piss me off... and on a day that i'm hating the world, you seem to be the exception to it all at some point (even when my nerves are right *HERE* and you are right there with 'em), and after hours of borderline explosiveness... you calm me down, and you make me fall in love with my life all over again.
gay poem starts
what is it about you?
maybe it's every love song that makes me feel like i could fall in love with lust, with life and even with the small, occasional pulses of heartache when i think about the times i thought i could do this without you and with someone else.
and maybe, it's the knot in my stomach when you apologize (and i feel undeserving in all those moments) like as if you're sorry that you love me all the right ways and i let myself feel it all the wrong ways...
or it could be the way your voice caresses my heart and sends chills through my fingers, while sweeping underneath my feet, touching the small of my back and making my knees weak and even my elbows bend around my pillow like it's you, like you were there, and this is all in the moment you breathe into the other line and say "hey" and i seriously think i forget where i am for a second.
it might be the fact that every time you call me "baby" it feels like the first time like as if the first thousand times wasn't enough and i anticipate the next five thousand times and i could see myself still melting after the 10 millionth time.
or that smile. god damn.
maybe it's how i want to construct a rope made out of all the things you've ever said and done that i'll never forget and tie one end around my waist and the other end around a cloud so i can just hang out and climb all these thoughts of you for hours and days and years.
and fuck that "running through my mind all day" shit, you've been doing gymnastics and bending around every angle and cell of my brain touching places i never even knew existed and balancing out my thoughts, making my heart race - giving me my OWN work out, jumping between my heart and my head back to my heart back to my head and then somewhere in the middle like... in my smile.
my smile. i swear to god you live there. you basically own that shit.
there's so many things and i swear every time i sit in one spot and think about you i find something new. i see you in everything i do and everywhere i go. i see you in the way people speak about me and i see you even when i'm trying my best not to look.
that's what you do to me... i don't even remember how to look at anything else without seeing you in it. even in a bad day, all i have to do is look, and then all of a sudden, i see.
... gay poem ends :)
gay poem starts
what is it about you?
maybe it's every love song that makes me feel like i could fall in love with lust, with life and even with the small, occasional pulses of heartache when i think about the times i thought i could do this without you and with someone else.
and maybe, it's the knot in my stomach when you apologize (and i feel undeserving in all those moments) like as if you're sorry that you love me all the right ways and i let myself feel it all the wrong ways...
or it could be the way your voice caresses my heart and sends chills through my fingers, while sweeping underneath my feet, touching the small of my back and making my knees weak and even my elbows bend around my pillow like it's you, like you were there, and this is all in the moment you breathe into the other line and say "hey" and i seriously think i forget where i am for a second.
it might be the fact that every time you call me "baby" it feels like the first time like as if the first thousand times wasn't enough and i anticipate the next five thousand times and i could see myself still melting after the 10 millionth time.
or that smile. god damn.
maybe it's how i want to construct a rope made out of all the things you've ever said and done that i'll never forget and tie one end around my waist and the other end around a cloud so i can just hang out and climb all these thoughts of you for hours and days and years.
and fuck that "running through my mind all day" shit, you've been doing gymnastics and bending around every angle and cell of my brain touching places i never even knew existed and balancing out my thoughts, making my heart race - giving me my OWN work out, jumping between my heart and my head back to my heart back to my head and then somewhere in the middle like... in my smile.
my smile. i swear to god you live there. you basically own that shit.
there's so many things and i swear every time i sit in one spot and think about you i find something new. i see you in everything i do and everywhere i go. i see you in the way people speak about me and i see you even when i'm trying my best not to look.
that's what you do to me... i don't even remember how to look at anything else without seeing you in it. even in a bad day, all i have to do is look, and then all of a sudden, i see.
... gay poem ends :)
Friday, January 21, 2011
teachme
why i think i love you sometimes
... ^ i had the balls to write that
i don't think children are evil anymore
i am warming my heart up to cats
the one time after we hung up the phone and you bbm'd me saying "is it later yet?"
... am i seriously writing all this shit right now???
i tell you everything
and i mean
everything.
when i think about the future i think:
garden
trains in europe
2 kids
dogs
hardwood floors
clean socks.
once you get on my nerves i miss you harder than ever following the irritation
you are a man
i can't find a single reason why not being together would be better than being together
when you call me by my name, it is the one time i actually like my name
oh na na
whas ma name
every good slow jam reminds me of you... the words give me chills
man
even the good rap songs about love
when people close to me inquire our relationship they say homo shit like
"you guys make me believe in love"
lol wtf?
i will still be embarrassed after you read something i wrote... after 1 year i am on my tippy toes
tippy tippy tippy toes.
about to fall. on my face.
speaking of which
i fall for you all over again
every
single
day
and i fucking write poetry for your ass.
of course there's more but those stick out the most to me
and that's why sometimes... i think.
... ^ i had the balls to write that
i don't think children are evil anymore
i am warming my heart up to cats
the one time after we hung up the phone and you bbm'd me saying "is it later yet?"
... am i seriously writing all this shit right now???
i tell you everything
and i mean
everything.
when i think about the future i think:
garden
trains in europe
2 kids
dogs
hardwood floors
clean socks.
once you get on my nerves i miss you harder than ever following the irritation
you are a man
i can't find a single reason why not being together would be better than being together
when you call me by my name, it is the one time i actually like my name
oh na na
whas ma name
every good slow jam reminds me of you... the words give me chills
man
even the good rap songs about love
when people close to me inquire our relationship they say homo shit like
"you guys make me believe in love"
lol wtf?
i will still be embarrassed after you read something i wrote... after 1 year i am on my tippy toes
tippy tippy tippy toes.
about to fall. on my face.
speaking of which
i fall for you all over again
every
single
day
and i fucking write poetry for your ass.
of course there's more but those stick out the most to me
and that's why sometimes... i think.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
good bad beautiful ugly
this past weekend i watched the entire first season of E!'s "Married to Rock"
it's a reality show that features rockstars Steve Stevens, Duff McKagan, Perry Farrell, their wives, and Billy Duffy and his girlfriend. why are Billy and his girlfriend, AJ Celi (girlcruuuush) on the show... if they aren't even frickin married? it's married to rock, not married to rock except for those guys but let's toss em into there anyhow.
their lack of "traditional commitment" is why they instantly became the most intriguing couple to me from episode one. i could almost smell the love roller coaster in the 8 episodes to come.
through out the season there was a showcase of their somewhat tentative "happiness" ... they obviously had built a life during the few years they were together (living together and such), but it wasn't enough for AJ. she wanted the commitment (marriage). she didn't want someone who wanted the best of both worlds (a relationship/a bachelor "rock star" lifestyle...). she sure as hell didn't want someone who didn't want the exact same things as her (she even came *THIS* close to proposing to HIM).
respectable, right? i mean, nothing better than a woman who knows exactly what she wants. i can definitely feel for her on all levels. but at the same time, as empowering as her showcase was - they are nearly perfect for each other. like so perfect that it breaks my heart. the way they look at each other, their compatible display of humor, their natural display of love... even the way they KISS. it was so beautiful and they were instantly my favorite couple. everything was so good in terms of being together, but he's fifty, she's thirty, and certainly not getting any younger. she wanted kids and a family and a ring on her left hand, and he already felt like he was past his prime and didn't feel the need to change anything for himself... and definitely not for her.
it is just... such a familiar thing that i've witnessed over and over. he's perfect for her and she's perfect for him, and he knows exactly what to say to make her stay and she knows exactly what to do to make him choke on his words. she doesn't want to be with anyone else, and neither does he. they are beautiful together and they joke about marriage but it scares him and hurts her and every day he feels more pressured and everyday she feels more anxious...
and no matter how young or how old you are, no matter how happy somebody makes you, at some point if you just don't want the same things in life - LIFE. STILL. HAPPENS. life doesn't stop, slow down, or change it's mind, unless you do. do you think AJ will ever not want to get married? no. her biological clock's alarm is buzzing off like crazy, and she is sure as hell tired of hitting snooze.
but really it's just so sad to watch. you can't change what you want, and when it comes to a relationship, you can't fake what you want either... it will always, always backfire. you can't teach somebody how to love you the way you want them to, because one day they might not love you at all, especially if you don't open a window for them to love you the way they know/need to love. i mean we all need love, it's obvious. i hear girls say it all the time - "i need him to love me like this..." BUT he, and we ALL, need to love someone in a certain way. love and be loved. simple as that. there's no formula or set doctrine. it just happens.
life just happens.
love just happens.
you have to and are wise to let both of them happen naturally. or else you lose sight of both.
it's a reality show that features rockstars Steve Stevens, Duff McKagan, Perry Farrell, their wives, and Billy Duffy and his girlfriend. why are Billy and his girlfriend, AJ Celi (girlcruuuush) on the show... if they aren't even frickin married? it's married to rock, not married to rock except for those guys but let's toss em into there anyhow.
their lack of "traditional commitment" is why they instantly became the most intriguing couple to me from episode one. i could almost smell the love roller coaster in the 8 episodes to come.
through out the season there was a showcase of their somewhat tentative "happiness" ... they obviously had built a life during the few years they were together (living together and such), but it wasn't enough for AJ. she wanted the commitment (marriage). she didn't want someone who wanted the best of both worlds (a relationship/a bachelor "rock star" lifestyle...). she sure as hell didn't want someone who didn't want the exact same things as her (she even came *THIS* close to proposing to HIM).
respectable, right? i mean, nothing better than a woman who knows exactly what she wants. i can definitely feel for her on all levels. but at the same time, as empowering as her showcase was - they are nearly perfect for each other. like so perfect that it breaks my heart. the way they look at each other, their compatible display of humor, their natural display of love... even the way they KISS. it was so beautiful and they were instantly my favorite couple. everything was so good in terms of being together, but he's fifty, she's thirty, and certainly not getting any younger. she wanted kids and a family and a ring on her left hand, and he already felt like he was past his prime and didn't feel the need to change anything for himself... and definitely not for her.
it is just... such a familiar thing that i've witnessed over and over. he's perfect for her and she's perfect for him, and he knows exactly what to say to make her stay and she knows exactly what to do to make him choke on his words. she doesn't want to be with anyone else, and neither does he. they are beautiful together and they joke about marriage but it scares him and hurts her and every day he feels more pressured and everyday she feels more anxious...
and no matter how young or how old you are, no matter how happy somebody makes you, at some point if you just don't want the same things in life - LIFE. STILL. HAPPENS. life doesn't stop, slow down, or change it's mind, unless you do. do you think AJ will ever not want to get married? no. her biological clock's alarm is buzzing off like crazy, and she is sure as hell tired of hitting snooze.
but really it's just so sad to watch. you can't change what you want, and when it comes to a relationship, you can't fake what you want either... it will always, always backfire. you can't teach somebody how to love you the way you want them to, because one day they might not love you at all, especially if you don't open a window for them to love you the way they know/need to love. i mean we all need love, it's obvious. i hear girls say it all the time - "i need him to love me like this..." BUT he, and we ALL, need to love someone in a certain way. love and be loved. simple as that. there's no formula or set doctrine. it just happens.
life just happens.
love just happens.
you have to and are wise to let both of them happen naturally. or else you lose sight of both.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
as the fiiire burns
long.
fucking.
distance.
it is long. excruciatingly so. long days. long nights staying up. long periods of "holy fuck i miss that kid so much i don't even know what being happy is anymore."
... the distance. the distance is PAINFUL. it's like a deep cut that hurts when you realize that it's there.
but if it's done right, it provides this crackhead-on-crack type of happiness. this kind of "i've never been this happy" happy. if it's done right, it is all the things you've ever wanted/asked for... just momentarily not in your grasp. you have, but you can't hold. it's ok, be patient, and one day it will fit in the way it should.
my mom and i are both in the same exact situation. love of our life, residing in the next country over... can't exactly run to them when that person has you down or you don't know if you can do "this." can't exactly be excited about this saturday's date unless it's dinner for one over ichat/skype/the phone. can't exactly... have sex whenever you want it...
which is like all the time because lets be real here. i'm eighteen.
but that's besides the point. watching my mom mope around and then LIGHT UP when he's around/on the phone/sending her emails... it's some new kinda beautiful. like, do i look like that? i sure hope so because the passion/happiness/content is fucking inspirational. i hope i inspire someone to fall in love whenever i'm with/speaking to mine.
because that's what my mom has done for me... she's made me believe. as corny as that sounds, she's like my ghost mentor for this shit. just observing her, and seeing her stick to this for so many years eases all the worries that come up and makes me even more thankful to be where i am, and for who i'm with. she also has made it clear that there's no one else she wants to be with... i feel you maaaaa
see you in a month, fucker.
fucking.
distance.
it is long. excruciatingly so. long days. long nights staying up. long periods of "holy fuck i miss that kid so much i don't even know what being happy is anymore."
... the distance. the distance is PAINFUL. it's like a deep cut that hurts when you realize that it's there.
but if it's done right, it provides this crackhead-on-crack type of happiness. this kind of "i've never been this happy" happy. if it's done right, it is all the things you've ever wanted/asked for... just momentarily not in your grasp. you have, but you can't hold. it's ok, be patient, and one day it will fit in the way it should.
my mom and i are both in the same exact situation. love of our life, residing in the next country over... can't exactly run to them when that person has you down or you don't know if you can do "this." can't exactly be excited about this saturday's date unless it's dinner for one over ichat/skype/the phone. can't exactly... have sex whenever you want it...
which is like all the time because lets be real here. i'm eighteen.
but that's besides the point. watching my mom mope around and then LIGHT UP when he's around/on the phone/sending her emails... it's some new kinda beautiful. like, do i look like that? i sure hope so because the passion/happiness/content is fucking inspirational. i hope i inspire someone to fall in love whenever i'm with/speaking to mine.
because that's what my mom has done for me... she's made me believe. as corny as that sounds, she's like my ghost mentor for this shit. just observing her, and seeing her stick to this for so many years eases all the worries that come up and makes me even more thankful to be where i am, and for who i'm with. she also has made it clear that there's no one else she wants to be with... i feel you maaaaa
see you in a month, fucker.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
you said that i could call you whenever i needed someone to listen to me
that's why i'm here standin by your side
cause you always come through for me
so many others tried to be where you are
but they just wanted to do me
but you took your time and now i'm satisfied..
that's why i want you all to me
if you were my best friend..
rather spend my time wastin time with you
ooh you make it so easy
that's why i'm here standin by your side
cause you always come through for me
so many others tried to be where you are
but they just wanted to do me
but you took your time and now i'm satisfied..
that's why i want you all to me
if you were my best friend..
rather spend my time wastin time with you
ooh you make it so easy
happy new year!
2010 you were sooo good to me. all i ask of 2011 is to generate the same consistency that 2010 did.
cuba. peas. greens. graduation. graduatING. chillest summer. living on whyte ave. nyala's 3x a week. stupid crazy house parties. nature walks. tanning. skirts. dresses. flip flops. the hours of meandering and chilling that never got old. the boy and all the shit we went through.
look where we are now. betttter than ever.
i will nevvver forget you 2010. you were nothing short of AMAZING.
but 2011 is going to SHIT on 2010! lehgoooo
cuba. peas. greens. graduation. graduatING. chillest summer. living on whyte ave. nyala's 3x a week. stupid crazy house parties. nature walks. tanning. skirts. dresses. flip flops. the hours of meandering and chilling that never got old. the boy and all the shit we went through.
look where we are now. betttter than ever.
i will nevvver forget you 2010. you were nothing short of AMAZING.
but 2011 is going to SHIT on 2010! lehgoooo
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
"you sound real happy"
"you're glowing"
"i've never seen you like this before"
"i'm so happy for you"
"that's so beautiful"
etc.
all you
and i swear that i've never felt that..
a love could be perfect
and that's what i feel for you
and don't you forget that..
that you're more then worth it
and that's what i feel for you
"you're glowing"
"i've never seen you like this before"
"i'm so happy for you"
"that's so beautiful"
etc.
all you
and i swear that i've never felt that..
a love could be perfect
and that's what i feel for you
and don't you forget that..
that you're more then worth it
and that's what i feel for you
Sunday, December 26, 2010
rick ROSS
ashes to ashes (ft. kevin cossom)
do you wanna fly tonightttt
she crazy (ft. aaliyah & ne-yo)
had a situation where she kept it g as fuck
sometimes realer than the niggas that i trust
easily top 10 mixtapes of the year for me
Friday, December 24, 2010
the only thing i wanted for christmas was to see everybody i love happy.
so to my knowledge, i should be getting nothing materialistic for christmas.
i've never been so, SO satisfied. :) i love my life and everything about it. i am blessed by some deity (or deities) with amazing AMAZING people. more than i can count.
merry christmas.
so to my knowledge, i should be getting nothing materialistic for christmas.
i've never been so, SO satisfied. :) i love my life and everything about it. i am blessed by some deity (or deities) with amazing AMAZING people. more than i can count.
merry christmas.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
heard you just a student working weekends in the city
no, drake you got it wrong.
i'm just a student clocking in MAD HOURS getting that bookoo.
...in the city.
let me break down how my life will look like as of january til the end of winter sem
monday: work 930-6, get my homework on
tuesday: class 9-5, get my homework on
wednesday: 930-6, get my homework on crazy town style
thursday: class 9-5, attempt to get my homework on
friday: work. party.
saturday: work. THREE PEAS study session @ larita's.
sunday: work. try to finish all the homework i didn't do the previous night @ larita's.
...
and there we have it.
but my boyfriend is here in february woooo! so that's kind of kewl.
sike.
i am SO excited :)
i'm just a student clocking in MAD HOURS getting that bookoo.
...in the city.
let me break down how my life will look like as of january til the end of winter sem
monday: work 930-6, get my homework on
tuesday: class 9-5, get my homework on
wednesday: 930-6, get my homework on crazy town style
thursday: class 9-5, attempt to get my homework on
friday: work. party.
saturday: work. THREE PEAS study session @ larita's.
sunday: work. try to finish all the homework i didn't do the previous night @ larita's.
...
and there we have it.
but my boyfriend is here in february woooo! so that's kind of kewl.
sike.
i am SO excited :)
Sunday, December 19, 2010
i'm missing you
sometimes when i'm far away from my house, like say the west side or the north side, i feel a sudden rush of anxiety/excitement to go home. going from that distance to my house in the southside makes me feel... i don't know. closer to you. it's so silly, but it provides some momentary comfort (more south=closer to where you are). my heart always beats a little faster when i know you're about to pick up the phone... and whether you're wide awake to say "whasgoooood baby" or i've woken you up and you're making one of your sleepy noises (similar to mine... "muh"), it's like an instant relief. "you have no idea how much i care about you" is possibly the sweetest thing to hear in the world... especially because you're so far away and you/we are capable of that kind of emotion, despite all the distance. it is almost too much to handle sometimes how happy you make me, i wish i could bottle it up and drink it over and over but i'm not sure if they make bottles that big. you are so different for me... and you are so different from them. you will never know what kind of light you bring to my life. :) i will never be the same again, and i've never been so excited to be different. i miss you, but there's no other person i'd want to spend the next 54 days waiting for. i can't wait to see what 2011 has in store for you and i. i got a thaaang for you baby..
Thursday, December 16, 2010
to one of the best girls that i know
happy birthday katsni kongpachith. i hope your special day is exactly that.. SUPER special. you special girl. special. <3 i love you.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
do i believe i'm a different person than i was exactly a year ago? of course. i'm completely different.
do i believe i'm better now than i was then? ... a little bit. but my struggle remains pretty much the same from last year. i can't find the slot to humble myself into so that i can open my eyes and be like,
HEY. new self. this is your old self speaking. remember those mistakes you made? remember the hurt? remember how you somehow managed to abandon the bullshit and move on and start something new? you're in a different spot now, act like it.
cause i remember. i remember all the bullshit i put myself through, in fact, i will never forget. in the past year, i learned to trust more AND less. i learned to believe in people but never forget that they can still do bad things. i learned that people mess up, have the potential to mess up, and when they are borderline messing up - i've already reached accusation and made my mind up about the disappointment they've provided.
man, am i SO wrong for that... i'm trying to dream big. believe bigger. love the biggest. i'm trying to forgive people for being... only human, and to bring myself down to common level and realize that i have just as much (if not more) potential to "screw up" like how i wait for them to. i'm trying to digest the fact that... even if people talk me up, they could still be skeptical about me/trusting me. JUST LIKE I DO FOR THEM.
i need to just entertain the thought that there's always better. and even though there's also always worse... i need to remember that it's much more safe/forgiving for me to believe that there is ALWAYS... always better. and anyone deserves better if what they have isn't making them happy. not just myself, anybody.
somebody who within 5 minutes of meeting me yesterday looked at me and said "you have a good heart. i can see it in your eyes." and i welled up with tears. someone who didn't even know my last name believed in me more than i believed in myself. she believed i could be/was good. she believed i was capable of duplicating this "good heart" of mine to help others, to teach them to want all i wanted and to dream the heights i dreamt. she woke me up. she literally showed me all i wanted in those 5 minutes of speaking to her... i've spent my entire life trying to take care of myself, and trusting myself... but never trying to really put my ENTIRE faith into other people.
i want to start. i NEED to start. i have so much strength to make myself happy... and i need to channel that into believing other people can make me even happier. i need to focus on all that is good and seize each broken situation as an opportunity to fix myself. i'm a little better this year... but a year from now, or even six months from now, i want to be the best i've ever been. starting now.
do i believe i'm better now than i was then? ... a little bit. but my struggle remains pretty much the same from last year. i can't find the slot to humble myself into so that i can open my eyes and be like,
HEY. new self. this is your old self speaking. remember those mistakes you made? remember the hurt? remember how you somehow managed to abandon the bullshit and move on and start something new? you're in a different spot now, act like it.
cause i remember. i remember all the bullshit i put myself through, in fact, i will never forget. in the past year, i learned to trust more AND less. i learned to believe in people but never forget that they can still do bad things. i learned that people mess up, have the potential to mess up, and when they are borderline messing up - i've already reached accusation and made my mind up about the disappointment they've provided.
man, am i SO wrong for that... i'm trying to dream big. believe bigger. love the biggest. i'm trying to forgive people for being... only human, and to bring myself down to common level and realize that i have just as much (if not more) potential to "screw up" like how i wait for them to. i'm trying to digest the fact that... even if people talk me up, they could still be skeptical about me/trusting me. JUST LIKE I DO FOR THEM.
i need to just entertain the thought that there's always better. and even though there's also always worse... i need to remember that it's much more safe/forgiving for me to believe that there is ALWAYS... always better. and anyone deserves better if what they have isn't making them happy. not just myself, anybody.
somebody who within 5 minutes of meeting me yesterday looked at me and said "you have a good heart. i can see it in your eyes." and i welled up with tears. someone who didn't even know my last name believed in me more than i believed in myself. she believed i could be/was good. she believed i was capable of duplicating this "good heart" of mine to help others, to teach them to want all i wanted and to dream the heights i dreamt. she woke me up. she literally showed me all i wanted in those 5 minutes of speaking to her... i've spent my entire life trying to take care of myself, and trusting myself... but never trying to really put my ENTIRE faith into other people.
i want to start. i NEED to start. i have so much strength to make myself happy... and i need to channel that into believing other people can make me even happier. i need to focus on all that is good and seize each broken situation as an opportunity to fix myself. i'm a little better this year... but a year from now, or even six months from now, i want to be the best i've ever been. starting now.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
cause you know i got luhh for you
i like to believe that passion is an element all on its own. what i also believe is that the deepest, most tender emotion is what drives passion to be successful. i believe that heartbreak can write songs to cry to and love... well, love can write poetry to keep both the writer and the reader swirling on their tippy toes all day. i haven't rhymed for anyone since.... i honestly don't know when, so here goes. (bare with me!)
states of lust and love, infatuation and hesitation, been a while since i felt such an ooey gooey sensation. and not just the sexual type, but the all-in-your-tummy stuff, once i get a hit of you i don't stop til i get enough ... which is never. it always seems better when it's just us. my mind is tryna fight it by saying it's just lust. but my heart knows i'm lying when i think about the stuff that doesn't even include sexin' you... facebombin, morning callin and all-night textin you. long hugs, stealing kisses and just chillin out next to you. all i'm tryna be is more than the best to you, "you got the best of my love" but i'm so happy with the rest of you. you got a perfect smile and feet that could speak if they wanted, the best part about your talent is you never over-flaunt it, but even if you had to battle, i don't think they want it, and i know what you're capable of so that's why i'm all up on it. "happiness, you could model it," but you're so far from common, them other dudes are chicken noodle soup and you're a bowl of ramen. you come equipped with all the qualities i never knew i needed, and you always know what to do whenever you know i need it. i'm trippin off of you, you got me so highhhh, on a million fluffy clouds so fuck a cloud 9. you make me smile, you make me laugh, plus you're fine as hell, and there's some room for more points so i think i might as well: your laugh is infectious and you got it goin on for days, and i think i could learn to love you in 10 million different ways, i could go on and on and on and on i keep on, american applebum, you gotta put me on. :)
i'm so gay for this kid. 4 suuure
states of lust and love, infatuation and hesitation, been a while since i felt such an ooey gooey sensation. and not just the sexual type, but the all-in-your-tummy stuff, once i get a hit of you i don't stop til i get enough ... which is never. it always seems better when it's just us. my mind is tryna fight it by saying it's just lust. but my heart knows i'm lying when i think about the stuff that doesn't even include sexin' you... facebombin, morning callin and all-night textin you. long hugs, stealing kisses and just chillin out next to you. all i'm tryna be is more than the best to you, "you got the best of my love" but i'm so happy with the rest of you. you got a perfect smile and feet that could speak if they wanted, the best part about your talent is you never over-flaunt it, but even if you had to battle, i don't think they want it, and i know what you're capable of so that's why i'm all up on it. "happiness, you could model it," but you're so far from common, them other dudes are chicken noodle soup and you're a bowl of ramen. you come equipped with all the qualities i never knew i needed, and you always know what to do whenever you know i need it. i'm trippin off of you, you got me so highhhh, on a million fluffy clouds so fuck a cloud 9. you make me smile, you make me laugh, plus you're fine as hell, and there's some room for more points so i think i might as well: your laugh is infectious and you got it goin on for days, and i think i could learn to love you in 10 million different ways, i could go on and on and on and on i keep on, american applebum, you gotta put me on. :)
i'm so gay for this kid. 4 suuure
Monday, December 6, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
"and suddenly.. i just felt like i needed to pull away for a second"
when i start something, i throw myself into it. completely.
when i work, i work hard. when i study, i study hard. when i read, i read hard.
you get the gist of it. all my reckless effort into what i choose to do is what makes me feel like it's something worth doing. i don't want to do it if i can't do it fully, if i'm going to have to half-ass something, i'd rather not do it at all.
when i write, i throw myself into it and let out EVERYTHING. i do something, anything, like everything is at stake. if there is no purpose, there is no point, and if i don't think it'll be completely worth throwing myself into... i just won't/don't even start.
but for some reason that's not the premise to how i deal with relationships and friendships. i mean i don't choose to deal with relationships the way i do (shyly, short, and in a somewhat disposable fashion) ... i honestly just DO. i don't get how i get so swallowed in everything else in my life, but when it comes to dealing with people, i'm so short with them all. given the few exceptions... even when i've thrown myself completely into the waters with somebody, i can feel myself hesitating and itching to swim back to shore. i've never been good at giving myself to people. so excuse me if i ghost on you for a second, i may or may not be back.
i wish i knew how to deal with that. i wish i could find a way to glue myself into place and fight for people like they're WORTH IT.. cause there's times where i feel like, certain people are so worth it. but in opposing respect i also feel like there is almost no one who is worth it. all those people who have come at me with their bullshit... they make everybody else not worth it. worth the hurt. worth the trouble. worth feeling myself crumble when they finally decide to walk away.
or i wish i could dismiss feeling this void when i decide to walk away. either way, i can't help but think about how life would/will be like without somebody once they've entered my life. maybe it's because some person(s) who i never thought i'd have to go on without, is gone... and it happens. people walk out. life changes everybody's direction, and i'm not stupid, i know that everyone i love can't head in the same direction i'm heading.
but when i feel like i'm flying off at tangents, i really only feel like it's myself who's getting off balance. when things go wrong, i feel like i can only deal with it on my own... and i dunno how to fix that. when i feel animosity, i feel the very heights of it... and i "don't deal with it in the light," meaning i try to sort it all out in the DARK... or just leave it there. basically.
i dunno. i just see all these people i love getting completely swallowed and walked all over and still claiming to be in a good spot. i NEVER want to be that person ever again.. i never want to play the fool. i never want to be the last one to know. i never want to be the "almost, but not really." i never want to end up on an emotional rollercoaster again. i deserve more than that. i owe it to myself to overcome this feeling.. i owe it to myself to be balanced. and i owe it to myself to make sure i NEVER, ever, end up being that person. the one who should, but can't, walk away.
or maybe... nah. i dunno. fuck that shit.
----
sike. i do know. you seem to prove all that i need to know before i even know it... you are the answer. <3
when i start something, i throw myself into it. completely.
when i work, i work hard. when i study, i study hard. when i read, i read hard.
you get the gist of it. all my reckless effort into what i choose to do is what makes me feel like it's something worth doing. i don't want to do it if i can't do it fully, if i'm going to have to half-ass something, i'd rather not do it at all.
when i write, i throw myself into it and let out EVERYTHING. i do something, anything, like everything is at stake. if there is no purpose, there is no point, and if i don't think it'll be completely worth throwing myself into... i just won't/don't even start.
but for some reason that's not the premise to how i deal with relationships and friendships. i mean i don't choose to deal with relationships the way i do (shyly, short, and in a somewhat disposable fashion) ... i honestly just DO. i don't get how i get so swallowed in everything else in my life, but when it comes to dealing with people, i'm so short with them all. given the few exceptions... even when i've thrown myself completely into the waters with somebody, i can feel myself hesitating and itching to swim back to shore. i've never been good at giving myself to people. so excuse me if i ghost on you for a second, i may or may not be back.
i wish i knew how to deal with that. i wish i could find a way to glue myself into place and fight for people like they're WORTH IT.. cause there's times where i feel like, certain people are so worth it. but in opposing respect i also feel like there is almost no one who is worth it. all those people who have come at me with their bullshit... they make everybody else not worth it. worth the hurt. worth the trouble. worth feeling myself crumble when they finally decide to walk away.
or i wish i could dismiss feeling this void when i decide to walk away. either way, i can't help but think about how life would/will be like without somebody once they've entered my life. maybe it's because some person(s) who i never thought i'd have to go on without, is gone... and it happens. people walk out. life changes everybody's direction, and i'm not stupid, i know that everyone i love can't head in the same direction i'm heading.
but when i feel like i'm flying off at tangents, i really only feel like it's myself who's getting off balance. when things go wrong, i feel like i can only deal with it on my own... and i dunno how to fix that. when i feel animosity, i feel the very heights of it... and i "don't deal with it in the light," meaning i try to sort it all out in the DARK... or just leave it there. basically.
i dunno. i just see all these people i love getting completely swallowed and walked all over and still claiming to be in a good spot. i NEVER want to be that person ever again.. i never want to play the fool. i never want to be the last one to know. i never want to be the "almost, but not really." i never want to end up on an emotional rollercoaster again. i deserve more than that. i owe it to myself to overcome this feeling.. i owe it to myself to be balanced. and i owe it to myself to make sure i NEVER, ever, end up being that person. the one who should, but can't, walk away.
or maybe... nah. i dunno. fuck that shit.
----
sike. i do know. you seem to prove all that i need to know before i even know it... you are the answer. <3
DECEMBER.
happy happy first of the month! i love december so much it's disgusting. i think you could use my face as a flash light, it lights up so badly every time i see christmas lights... and i'm just this little ball of happiness in every mall i enter.... so yeah, christmas and i = foreverBFF's.
i pretty much have all of my christmas shopping down. i SPOIL people... seriously.
and my birthday is in two days.
two.
1
and then 2.
*squeal* that's all imma say. enjoy this month!
i pretty much have all of my christmas shopping down. i SPOIL people... seriously.
and my birthday is in two days.
two.
1
and then 2.
*squeal* that's all imma say. enjoy this month!
Monday, November 29, 2010
keeep comin back for more
i've been feeling the same thing for a while now... ummm like saveroom-johnlegend happy. i don't have much to say except consistency is nice. familiarity, it's nice. it doesn't do much for my writing (i think i've gushed enough....), considering i write best when my emotions are wylin' out at 10000miles/minute, but at least the consistency provides genesis for balance in my life. can't complain. haven't been complaining.
got some friends who are down for me.
got a family that keeps me grounded.
got a dude that is all kinds of wonderful.
school begins in a month and a week. finally finished my schedule. microeconomics, business law, english, sociology = papers papers and more papers. my strength. THANKFULLY i only have classes tuesday and thursday, so i can still get my money up.
oh you know, no big deal, i'm legal this upcoming friday. i am looking forward to this epic birthday extravaganza. can't wait to just get all SILLY.
i have three jobs.
sorta.
i kill the life tip boi.
got some friends who are down for me.
got a family that keeps me grounded.
got a dude that is all kinds of wonderful.
school begins in a month and a week. finally finished my schedule. microeconomics, business law, english, sociology = papers papers and more papers. my strength. THANKFULLY i only have classes tuesday and thursday, so i can still get my money up.
oh you know, no big deal, i'm legal this upcoming friday. i am looking forward to this epic birthday extravaganza. can't wait to just get all SILLY.
i have three jobs.
sorta.
i kill the life tip boi.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
oh it feels so crazy, oooh this love is blazin
you made me realize that we were born to fly
you showed me every day the possibilities
and you proved my fantasies,
what love could really be
Friday, November 26, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
things that need to come into my line of purchase immediately
smashbox fusion soft lights
garnier anti-dark circle eye roller
(eeeek it feels SO cool)
clarins waterproof eyeliner pencil
(seriously... no. smudges. whatsoever)
kat von d tattoo concealer
(... main influence: JLovesmac1@youtube nuffff said)
clinique lash building primer
benefit Dr. Feelgood
(because i don't wear foundation but wouldn't mind a LITTLE somethin)
the OG brown sugar bear
(... for my brown suga)
with my birthday coming up so soon, i think a massive make-up haul is only appropriate.
sephora, you, me, it's on bebe.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
i can't find a title to this post because i can't hold a title to what i'm feeling (har har).
lately i have been pulling away from just about everyone who i don't consider one of my best friends... that even includes my family. i have never felt like i wanted to move out SO badly.
but in all seriousness, i don't know why or what it is that makes me feel like... i need to isolate myself from people. i've always had this bad habit of getting close to people and then ghosting on them.
that's not to say that, if they were to ask of my help, i wouldn't give it. it's just the notion that i'd ever offer it is questionable.
i guess... in the scheme of things, i'm approachable, but fail at approaching others.
maybe it's just that after-high school shit people always talk about. the people who i swore i'd remain friends with, i barely see. matter of fact, i barely even speak to them. friendship is a two way street right? much like most things... i guess i've just adjusted to walking down a lot of streets my "friends" haven't, leading me to walk it on my own.
i mean... it's not a totally bad thing. but it's not totally a good thing, either. i don't know what it is. am i tired of those people? do i just use "independence" as a safety net so that i don't have to watch someone walk away first?
trust issues?
apathy towards them?
pftt
no idea.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
MILLENNIUM MANTRA
Instructions for Life
1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R's.
Respect for self.
Respect for others.
Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18,. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R's.
Respect for self.
Respect for others.
Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18,. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
WARNING: this blog is filled with the mushy sappy lovey dovey gay-gay (milder version of cray-cray), in other words, it is a blog proclaiming my "gay" for somebody.
i suggest that unless you are that person, you divert your attention elsewhere.
i am straight, though.
very straight.
i won't name names, but if you can't single yourself out to know that this is about you, you should stop frontin. =)
i have so many things to thank you for, and a million ways to thank you, but circumstances make it hard to do so. i feel like i don't give you the credit you deserve for putting up with my shit... so hopefully a blog will suffice (i have big things in store! wait til i see your ass). i've spent a lot of time thinking about what to say in this blog, wondering if it's just a validation for my own personal reflection or to prove to others that you are good to me. it's neither though, it is straight up just a grateful post to tell you: i am so happy to have you, i am also lucky to have you, and these days, i owe a lot of my sanity to you.
i don't even know where to start. maybe i'll start by saying that you're not someone who says they'll do things to dress themselves up... because you actually do it. you already have so many reassuring things to say to make me feel the "gay," (aka that way) but when you come through and your actions back up what you have to say, it's an amazing thing. you are even more than the words that you have to say. i already feel important to you, but the times where you take the extra step to make me feel even more important... it's a trip. i stopped trying to wrap my head around it a long time ago and settled with knowing that it's the feeling of being happy.
it's when you force yourself to stay up just to make sure i'm okay, even though you talked about how tired you were all day. it's when you don't agree with what i have to say but support me 100% regardless. it's when i know i can approach you with my conflicts because you'll listen, and try to make it better in any way you can. it's when i feel like i'm caught up in a shitty moment and you see past it and say something like "i'm thankful for who you are."
that shit gets to me. in all the best ways. i've tried so hard my entire life to rely on only myself, and these days i'm slowly giving that up to feel closer to you. whether it's bitching about something, being sad, or even letting you do the sweet shit to see me happy... it's all so... different. i don't think i've perfected it completely, and i don't know if i ever will, but i am happy to say that i'm confident you'll be there to see me through it all, even if i fail all epic. it's scary for me to even consider depending on/relying on anyone but myself... but so far, it feels kinda nice.
i've found a whole new level of comfort with you and aside from just being "that dude" in my life, i also consider you a good friend. a great friend. you listen. you respond. you support. you are an overall positive contribution to my life. you say things that confirm the way i already felt and it is still a surprise everytime... for instance, "i would never do that to you, just so you know." of course i knew. you never cloud me with negative bullshit, and you always have what it takes to make me feel better. my birthday isn't too far, but i can already say my best gift is being happy with/for you. thank you for everything :)
ok. i'm done being gay now.
ok. i'm done being gay now.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
happy early birthday TO MEEEE!
no idea what's in it, cause the bag is so pretty that i ain't even tryna open it right now
but you can never go wrong with a massive Dior bag
18 daaays :)
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
had hoes in passionate night gowns
but you the only one i imagine in white gowns
so where ya left hand, you should lemme add a ring to it
because mr. and mrs. Anderson just has a ring to it
she like why you act like that to me
walk right back and mike jack to me
every time we fall out, i throw ya ass out
but you just end up boomeranging back to me
what the fuuck
Monday, November 8, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
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