* NOTE: this is my first time ever publicly writing like this (fictional form) so.... haha..... yeah. I'm gay. :)
*blackberry red light goes off*
That light. I hate it. I also love it. I hate the color red. But when I miss him, it's automatically my color of choice.
I think about the times when that light used to mean a reply that I used all my might to avoid. I think about how it used to be a "fuck you," or a "goodbye," or even a pathetic "I'm sorry." All very long versions of those three, sometimes combined, but always unnecessary regardless.
It's been a while, and that hasn't been the case lately. That's okay. Oh, shit. The light is still going off.
"I'm gunna miss you"
This kid. I lose my cool for a second and thank every God to every religion that he isn't here to witness "the gay." I'm talking like, some serious gay. But then I realize that I do wish he was here and everything feels bad. And good. And shit, I don't even know what to say for a second. I want to say a million things without having to use words. I fucking hate texting, actually. But it's all we have right now, so I push past the sting and muster up what I can find in myself.
"I miss you already :("
Fuck that. I never used to be that girl. The one who spoke through her emotions rather than her head. The one who let her emotions get the best of her. The one who was petrified when love looked at her, but now looks back. Wondering. Anticipating.
I'm that girl now. The one who wishes she was home tonight. The one who wishes this was their trip, and not just hers. The one who plays their conversations over and over like they were songs.
They are songs, though. At least I think so. I think he holds a low bass line in my heart and every time a high pitch hits, it's him. And it's me. It's us. Every high, every low of this song of ours, it speaks and it sings and it melodically tells a story. Our story. And all at the same time, it says nothing at all, because even the silence soothes my soul and when we're down to one last beat, his voice is the sweetest thing, and then suddenly we're rising back up again. This momentum, it never ends, does it? It is definitely something.
This song of ours.
I'm so glad I pressed play.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
baby open your eyes
even when you piss me off... and on a day that i'm hating the world, you seem to be the exception to it all at some point (even when my nerves are right *HERE* and you are right there with 'em), and after hours of borderline explosiveness... you calm me down, and you make me fall in love with my life all over again.
gay poem starts
what is it about you?
maybe it's every love song that makes me feel like i could fall in love with lust, with life and even with the small, occasional pulses of heartache when i think about the times i thought i could do this without you and with someone else.
and maybe, it's the knot in my stomach when you apologize (and i feel undeserving in all those moments) like as if you're sorry that you love me all the right ways and i let myself feel it all the wrong ways...
or it could be the way your voice caresses my heart and sends chills through my fingers, while sweeping underneath my feet, touching the small of my back and making my knees weak and even my elbows bend around my pillow like it's you, like you were there, and this is all in the moment you breathe into the other line and say "hey" and i seriously think i forget where i am for a second.
it might be the fact that every time you call me "baby" it feels like the first time like as if the first thousand times wasn't enough and i anticipate the next five thousand times and i could see myself still melting after the 10 millionth time.
or that smile. god damn.
maybe it's how i want to construct a rope made out of all the things you've ever said and done that i'll never forget and tie one end around my waist and the other end around a cloud so i can just hang out and climb all these thoughts of you for hours and days and years.
and fuck that "running through my mind all day" shit, you've been doing gymnastics and bending around every angle and cell of my brain touching places i never even knew existed and balancing out my thoughts, making my heart race - giving me my OWN work out, jumping between my heart and my head back to my heart back to my head and then somewhere in the middle like... in my smile.
my smile. i swear to god you live there. you basically own that shit.
there's so many things and i swear every time i sit in one spot and think about you i find something new. i see you in everything i do and everywhere i go. i see you in the way people speak about me and i see you even when i'm trying my best not to look.
that's what you do to me... i don't even remember how to look at anything else without seeing you in it. even in a bad day, all i have to do is look, and then all of a sudden, i see.
... gay poem ends :)
gay poem starts
what is it about you?
maybe it's every love song that makes me feel like i could fall in love with lust, with life and even with the small, occasional pulses of heartache when i think about the times i thought i could do this without you and with someone else.
and maybe, it's the knot in my stomach when you apologize (and i feel undeserving in all those moments) like as if you're sorry that you love me all the right ways and i let myself feel it all the wrong ways...
or it could be the way your voice caresses my heart and sends chills through my fingers, while sweeping underneath my feet, touching the small of my back and making my knees weak and even my elbows bend around my pillow like it's you, like you were there, and this is all in the moment you breathe into the other line and say "hey" and i seriously think i forget where i am for a second.
it might be the fact that every time you call me "baby" it feels like the first time like as if the first thousand times wasn't enough and i anticipate the next five thousand times and i could see myself still melting after the 10 millionth time.
or that smile. god damn.
maybe it's how i want to construct a rope made out of all the things you've ever said and done that i'll never forget and tie one end around my waist and the other end around a cloud so i can just hang out and climb all these thoughts of you for hours and days and years.
and fuck that "running through my mind all day" shit, you've been doing gymnastics and bending around every angle and cell of my brain touching places i never even knew existed and balancing out my thoughts, making my heart race - giving me my OWN work out, jumping between my heart and my head back to my heart back to my head and then somewhere in the middle like... in my smile.
my smile. i swear to god you live there. you basically own that shit.
there's so many things and i swear every time i sit in one spot and think about you i find something new. i see you in everything i do and everywhere i go. i see you in the way people speak about me and i see you even when i'm trying my best not to look.
that's what you do to me... i don't even remember how to look at anything else without seeing you in it. even in a bad day, all i have to do is look, and then all of a sudden, i see.
... gay poem ends :)
Friday, January 21, 2011
teachme
why i think i love you sometimes
... ^ i had the balls to write that
i don't think children are evil anymore
i am warming my heart up to cats
the one time after we hung up the phone and you bbm'd me saying "is it later yet?"
... am i seriously writing all this shit right now???
i tell you everything
and i mean
everything.
when i think about the future i think:
garden
trains in europe
2 kids
dogs
hardwood floors
clean socks.
once you get on my nerves i miss you harder than ever following the irritation
you are a man
i can't find a single reason why not being together would be better than being together
when you call me by my name, it is the one time i actually like my name
oh na na
whas ma name
every good slow jam reminds me of you... the words give me chills
man
even the good rap songs about love
when people close to me inquire our relationship they say homo shit like
"you guys make me believe in love"
lol wtf?
i will still be embarrassed after you read something i wrote... after 1 year i am on my tippy toes
tippy tippy tippy toes.
about to fall. on my face.
speaking of which
i fall for you all over again
every
single
day
and i fucking write poetry for your ass.
of course there's more but those stick out the most to me
and that's why sometimes... i think.
... ^ i had the balls to write that
i don't think children are evil anymore
i am warming my heart up to cats
the one time after we hung up the phone and you bbm'd me saying "is it later yet?"
... am i seriously writing all this shit right now???
i tell you everything
and i mean
everything.
when i think about the future i think:
garden
trains in europe
2 kids
dogs
hardwood floors
clean socks.
once you get on my nerves i miss you harder than ever following the irritation
you are a man
i can't find a single reason why not being together would be better than being together
when you call me by my name, it is the one time i actually like my name
oh na na
whas ma name
every good slow jam reminds me of you... the words give me chills
man
even the good rap songs about love
when people close to me inquire our relationship they say homo shit like
"you guys make me believe in love"
lol wtf?
i will still be embarrassed after you read something i wrote... after 1 year i am on my tippy toes
tippy tippy tippy toes.
about to fall. on my face.
speaking of which
i fall for you all over again
every
single
day
and i fucking write poetry for your ass.
of course there's more but those stick out the most to me
and that's why sometimes... i think.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
good bad beautiful ugly
this past weekend i watched the entire first season of E!'s "Married to Rock"
it's a reality show that features rockstars Steve Stevens, Duff McKagan, Perry Farrell, their wives, and Billy Duffy and his girlfriend. why are Billy and his girlfriend, AJ Celi (girlcruuuush) on the show... if they aren't even frickin married? it's married to rock, not married to rock except for those guys but let's toss em into there anyhow.
their lack of "traditional commitment" is why they instantly became the most intriguing couple to me from episode one. i could almost smell the love roller coaster in the 8 episodes to come.
through out the season there was a showcase of their somewhat tentative "happiness" ... they obviously had built a life during the few years they were together (living together and such), but it wasn't enough for AJ. she wanted the commitment (marriage). she didn't want someone who wanted the best of both worlds (a relationship/a bachelor "rock star" lifestyle...). she sure as hell didn't want someone who didn't want the exact same things as her (she even came *THIS* close to proposing to HIM).
respectable, right? i mean, nothing better than a woman who knows exactly what she wants. i can definitely feel for her on all levels. but at the same time, as empowering as her showcase was - they are nearly perfect for each other. like so perfect that it breaks my heart. the way they look at each other, their compatible display of humor, their natural display of love... even the way they KISS. it was so beautiful and they were instantly my favorite couple. everything was so good in terms of being together, but he's fifty, she's thirty, and certainly not getting any younger. she wanted kids and a family and a ring on her left hand, and he already felt like he was past his prime and didn't feel the need to change anything for himself... and definitely not for her.
it is just... such a familiar thing that i've witnessed over and over. he's perfect for her and she's perfect for him, and he knows exactly what to say to make her stay and she knows exactly what to do to make him choke on his words. she doesn't want to be with anyone else, and neither does he. they are beautiful together and they joke about marriage but it scares him and hurts her and every day he feels more pressured and everyday she feels more anxious...
and no matter how young or how old you are, no matter how happy somebody makes you, at some point if you just don't want the same things in life - LIFE. STILL. HAPPENS. life doesn't stop, slow down, or change it's mind, unless you do. do you think AJ will ever not want to get married? no. her biological clock's alarm is buzzing off like crazy, and she is sure as hell tired of hitting snooze.
but really it's just so sad to watch. you can't change what you want, and when it comes to a relationship, you can't fake what you want either... it will always, always backfire. you can't teach somebody how to love you the way you want them to, because one day they might not love you at all, especially if you don't open a window for them to love you the way they know/need to love. i mean we all need love, it's obvious. i hear girls say it all the time - "i need him to love me like this..." BUT he, and we ALL, need to love someone in a certain way. love and be loved. simple as that. there's no formula or set doctrine. it just happens.
life just happens.
love just happens.
you have to and are wise to let both of them happen naturally. or else you lose sight of both.
it's a reality show that features rockstars Steve Stevens, Duff McKagan, Perry Farrell, their wives, and Billy Duffy and his girlfriend. why are Billy and his girlfriend, AJ Celi (girlcruuuush) on the show... if they aren't even frickin married? it's married to rock, not married to rock except for those guys but let's toss em into there anyhow.
their lack of "traditional commitment" is why they instantly became the most intriguing couple to me from episode one. i could almost smell the love roller coaster in the 8 episodes to come.
through out the season there was a showcase of their somewhat tentative "happiness" ... they obviously had built a life during the few years they were together (living together and such), but it wasn't enough for AJ. she wanted the commitment (marriage). she didn't want someone who wanted the best of both worlds (a relationship/a bachelor "rock star" lifestyle...). she sure as hell didn't want someone who didn't want the exact same things as her (she even came *THIS* close to proposing to HIM).
respectable, right? i mean, nothing better than a woman who knows exactly what she wants. i can definitely feel for her on all levels. but at the same time, as empowering as her showcase was - they are nearly perfect for each other. like so perfect that it breaks my heart. the way they look at each other, their compatible display of humor, their natural display of love... even the way they KISS. it was so beautiful and they were instantly my favorite couple. everything was so good in terms of being together, but he's fifty, she's thirty, and certainly not getting any younger. she wanted kids and a family and a ring on her left hand, and he already felt like he was past his prime and didn't feel the need to change anything for himself... and definitely not for her.
it is just... such a familiar thing that i've witnessed over and over. he's perfect for her and she's perfect for him, and he knows exactly what to say to make her stay and she knows exactly what to do to make him choke on his words. she doesn't want to be with anyone else, and neither does he. they are beautiful together and they joke about marriage but it scares him and hurts her and every day he feels more pressured and everyday she feels more anxious...
and no matter how young or how old you are, no matter how happy somebody makes you, at some point if you just don't want the same things in life - LIFE. STILL. HAPPENS. life doesn't stop, slow down, or change it's mind, unless you do. do you think AJ will ever not want to get married? no. her biological clock's alarm is buzzing off like crazy, and she is sure as hell tired of hitting snooze.
but really it's just so sad to watch. you can't change what you want, and when it comes to a relationship, you can't fake what you want either... it will always, always backfire. you can't teach somebody how to love you the way you want them to, because one day they might not love you at all, especially if you don't open a window for them to love you the way they know/need to love. i mean we all need love, it's obvious. i hear girls say it all the time - "i need him to love me like this..." BUT he, and we ALL, need to love someone in a certain way. love and be loved. simple as that. there's no formula or set doctrine. it just happens.
life just happens.
love just happens.
you have to and are wise to let both of them happen naturally. or else you lose sight of both.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
as the fiiire burns
long.
fucking.
distance.
it is long. excruciatingly so. long days. long nights staying up. long periods of "holy fuck i miss that kid so much i don't even know what being happy is anymore."
... the distance. the distance is PAINFUL. it's like a deep cut that hurts when you realize that it's there.
but if it's done right, it provides this crackhead-on-crack type of happiness. this kind of "i've never been this happy" happy. if it's done right, it is all the things you've ever wanted/asked for... just momentarily not in your grasp. you have, but you can't hold. it's ok, be patient, and one day it will fit in the way it should.
my mom and i are both in the same exact situation. love of our life, residing in the next country over... can't exactly run to them when that person has you down or you don't know if you can do "this." can't exactly be excited about this saturday's date unless it's dinner for one over ichat/skype/the phone. can't exactly... have sex whenever you want it...
which is like all the time because lets be real here. i'm eighteen.
but that's besides the point. watching my mom mope around and then LIGHT UP when he's around/on the phone/sending her emails... it's some new kinda beautiful. like, do i look like that? i sure hope so because the passion/happiness/content is fucking inspirational. i hope i inspire someone to fall in love whenever i'm with/speaking to mine.
because that's what my mom has done for me... she's made me believe. as corny as that sounds, she's like my ghost mentor for this shit. just observing her, and seeing her stick to this for so many years eases all the worries that come up and makes me even more thankful to be where i am, and for who i'm with. she also has made it clear that there's no one else she wants to be with... i feel you maaaaa
see you in a month, fucker.
fucking.
distance.
it is long. excruciatingly so. long days. long nights staying up. long periods of "holy fuck i miss that kid so much i don't even know what being happy is anymore."
... the distance. the distance is PAINFUL. it's like a deep cut that hurts when you realize that it's there.
but if it's done right, it provides this crackhead-on-crack type of happiness. this kind of "i've never been this happy" happy. if it's done right, it is all the things you've ever wanted/asked for... just momentarily not in your grasp. you have, but you can't hold. it's ok, be patient, and one day it will fit in the way it should.
my mom and i are both in the same exact situation. love of our life, residing in the next country over... can't exactly run to them when that person has you down or you don't know if you can do "this." can't exactly be excited about this saturday's date unless it's dinner for one over ichat/skype/the phone. can't exactly... have sex whenever you want it...
which is like all the time because lets be real here. i'm eighteen.
but that's besides the point. watching my mom mope around and then LIGHT UP when he's around/on the phone/sending her emails... it's some new kinda beautiful. like, do i look like that? i sure hope so because the passion/happiness/content is fucking inspirational. i hope i inspire someone to fall in love whenever i'm with/speaking to mine.
because that's what my mom has done for me... she's made me believe. as corny as that sounds, she's like my ghost mentor for this shit. just observing her, and seeing her stick to this for so many years eases all the worries that come up and makes me even more thankful to be where i am, and for who i'm with. she also has made it clear that there's no one else she wants to be with... i feel you maaaaa
see you in a month, fucker.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
you said that i could call you whenever i needed someone to listen to me
that's why i'm here standin by your side
cause you always come through for me
so many others tried to be where you are
but they just wanted to do me
but you took your time and now i'm satisfied..
that's why i want you all to me
if you were my best friend..
rather spend my time wastin time with you
ooh you make it so easy
that's why i'm here standin by your side
cause you always come through for me
so many others tried to be where you are
but they just wanted to do me
but you took your time and now i'm satisfied..
that's why i want you all to me
if you were my best friend..
rather spend my time wastin time with you
ooh you make it so easy
happy new year!
2010 you were sooo good to me. all i ask of 2011 is to generate the same consistency that 2010 did.
cuba. peas. greens. graduation. graduatING. chillest summer. living on whyte ave. nyala's 3x a week. stupid crazy house parties. nature walks. tanning. skirts. dresses. flip flops. the hours of meandering and chilling that never got old. the boy and all the shit we went through.
look where we are now. betttter than ever.
i will nevvver forget you 2010. you were nothing short of AMAZING.
but 2011 is going to SHIT on 2010! lehgoooo
cuba. peas. greens. graduation. graduatING. chillest summer. living on whyte ave. nyala's 3x a week. stupid crazy house parties. nature walks. tanning. skirts. dresses. flip flops. the hours of meandering and chilling that never got old. the boy and all the shit we went through.
look where we are now. betttter than ever.
i will nevvver forget you 2010. you were nothing short of AMAZING.
but 2011 is going to SHIT on 2010! lehgoooo
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