or maybe i'm just frontin to myself

i'd be lying if i said that at this very moment, i know exactly what i want.
do i want you? or him? or any of this? or do i want myself more than anything.
OF COURSE i want myself. i want to feel sane at the least.
the one thing that has been running through my mind for what seems like a hundred years is this:

in the end it was clear we wanted the same thing, but one of us wanted it way more.
he wanted me, but i wanted me too.
in fact, i wanted me way more. and i was being selfish at that time.
that's why i had to leave.

but what about that late night drive where i told you everything?
or that phonecall that made me forget all my original intentions?
or that second hug where i felt my feet float off the ground a little bit because of the way you smell?
or the fact that we speak every. single. DAY. -- ?!

do i want that? do i want ANYONE?! fuck if i know.
or do i just want what i've learned to deal with in the past few months. consistency. solidarity. familiarty.
myself.
all this alone-ness.

last night i was all positive that i didn't want anything serious. not even close.
i just wanted to work and save and sleep and exercise and kick it with my homies.
... all whilst avoiding the advances of anyone. 
oh you wanna know how it's goin?
let's just say i failed at that basically.

damn i wish my brain had an off button.
but i guess that's why sometimes life throws a bunch of messed up options at you.
and why life is all like yo what up i'm bout to make you feel lost than a motherfucker.
so that you get off your ass and go out there and find out what you want,
or even better, let what you want, find you.

(find me. PLEASE.)

if you feel good if you feel good put one hand in the air

(so originally i had posted a different video, but youtube owned him. so i will just post my favorite-est video EVER from him mainly because [he said] it's dedicated to me. enjoy!!)
i have lots of friends who dance.
this guy, chris martin, is one of the greatest that i know.
he is also a great guy aside from dancing. most of the time. :)
subscribe & watch other videos here!
have a good weekend everybodyyy

RIP i don't wanna be without ya

we miss you Aaliyah.

guys who blog...

ULTIMATE WIN!
i have a new, painful crush. great writing and basketball all in one post? AND humor?! ....... i fear to say anything else. that is all.

the takeover

i'm leavin you for the last time baby

but this about me and you though
lets get off this phone and we can speak when i see you
i put on my knickers, my blue and white pippens
then went to the station for some praisin and kissin
the "sorry wale's" "i was wrong, i was trippin"
"would you please be a saint and have the patience to forgive me"
i told myself that i would play it cool
she better shed a couple tears when she come through
but i was wrong - babygirl sang another tune
and it was rage in her eyes i wasn't really used to
she said "i love you, that's why i do this eye to eye"
kissed me on the cheek then she whispered "this the last time"
goodbye

just can't see more

my life as of late:
- running from anything that threatens my self-made, self-accommodating territory. or at least frantically planning my escape.
- Phrenology
- Shouldn't Have to Wait - Ryan Leslie (forever. and ever. i want to cry when i hear this joint)
- "it just gets complicated too quickly"
- a new house... so beautifully constructed. unpacking 6 garbage bags of clothes and seeing a full closet NEVER felt so satisfying. oh & can't forget the 6 pillows + 3 blankets on my comfy ass bed. being on the southside again, my home, oh my gosh. i am ecstatic.
- no eating past 10 pm hahahahhahaha who. do. i. think. i. am. i dunno
- i am dying to read a new book. 

perfectly lonely

sometimes i think, i am meant to be single.
most times i think, i am not meant for the mess.
all times i think, if we can just remain friends, we can avoid all the complications that present themselves beyond that platonic position.

and every day, i think to myself, damn, i fear for the man who asks me to commit. the one who expects my whole heart. because the second you start to sweep me off my feet, i make it a point to escape from your arms, and plant my feet back onto the damn ground.

and RUN.
i make sure to run as far as i can. not to see if you're going to run after me. not to see if you don't even bother to watch me go. but so i never have to see you again, think about you, fall in love with you, be happy with you.
because nothing good lasts forever. i know that. it doesn't stop me from my single-girl antics though, because i wake up and go to sleep terrified of having my heart stomped on. again. and even if i'm in viewing distance, i'm far in heart.
and heart is all that matters. mine. the one that i can't give to you.

but then i figure that it's just fine, i'm perfectly lonely.

do not always believe what you see

now question is every nigga with dreads for the cause?

is every nigga with golds for the fall? naw

so don’t get caught in appearance

- 'DRE 3000

P.S. drool.

thats family business

...and that's why i never get too comfortable

Many the Miles

"Cause i've had my fair share of take care and goodbyes
I've learned how to cry
And I'm better for that"

watched She's Out of My League the other day for the 2359273th time, and finally noticed this Sara Bareilles song. now it's on repeat. and the movie? well, i still love it. "princess jasmine.." lmao deadd. this time though, unlike the others, i streamed it on my friends PS3 - took four hours to get through the entire fucking movie. but the memories in between actually watching the movie and allowing it to load made it all worth it. "feelings talk" + the a1 sauce + useful info + "okay let's use the utensils as representation" + etc.

"have you ever seen how a filipino eats?" 
"with their fingers?"
"good, i thought i'd seem savage. well i'm going to take my shirt off then."

thank God for friends.

my favorite blue-eyed music mixer, DJ JoseRecinos :)

Cross the line

... :(

anger is one letter short of danger, roger dat.

there's anger
and then there's just plain out i-dun-give-a-fuck.
almost there
but until then and always

and always LAUGH.
or at least keep a few on hand who keep you rolling.
you both keep me a 1000x sane by making me insane

i dun know what to say

except for...

you'replayingwithfireandthatmuhfuckacanhaveyoass
i should probably sleep with my tired ass
but that's what happens when you're torn to pieces
you just stay up all night and look at a bunch of shit
and think.
about shit that makes you wish you were asleep.
whateva

peace

but i can't.

I want to call you. Leave a voice mail, I know you won't pick up anyway. I want to tell you that yes, even though I do love you, it terrifies me unbelievably how much we change each day. From loving, to nothing. Even though I love you... the fear that comes with it, guarantees that love isn't enough (for once). I want to be uninhibited and free... when you are, too. I want to laugh with you, rap with you, sleep with you, wake up with you, all of that... When I said "that's all it is," I only said it because (I'm not turning this on you) it's how you, and the entire situation made me feel. I can't help what I feel - neither can you. You should never mess with a broken heart, especially when you're the one who broke it... Sadly, that goes for both of us. It will never make sense to me; how it is always, always, the wrong time. You will probably leave and that will probably be it for us, like it has been a million times already. I don't want to leave, but I don't want to ask you to stay. I can't do it anymore. I can't hurt you. I can't hurt ME.

Still, I want to call you. Right now.
But I can't.

We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.

best i evaa had

P: maria your eyes look tired as fuck. they're so red
M: i'd put eyedrops in but honestly it's not like i have anyone to look good for
P: wtf what about me?
M: PAM you should love me when i got sweatpants, hair tied, chillin with no make up on
P: that's when you're the prettiest
M: yeah. i took it wrong.
P: ...what?
M: the song...
*pause
M: "that's when you're the prettiest i hope that you don't take it wrong..."
P: OH YEAH hahaha

haha loove<3