Look what you done

I, never really had no one like you, man, this all new shit
Took my world and made it bigger
Changed the way that I viewed it

Itscrazy

I think about how many days in a row we've spoke and how every single one of those days you made me laugh my ass off.... And still make my heart drop to my knees. Your love is proof that bodies don't have souls, souls have bodies, and I would be lucky to love you in my next life.

I mean seriously... Look at this shit hahaha I'm sure only I find it funny but that's all that matters. Xo

when i try to open up to people my throat closes up and it's almost something like an allergic reaction... i don't know why i am that way but when i envision myself in terms of being personable, i see black and i hear quiet. i don't know what it is about talking about the way i feel that makes me feel like i can barely see straight... even the thought of it makes my heart hurt. maybe it's because i respond to every thing. i respond to people's feelings, the direction they look at when i'm trying to speak to them, the way their body goes still when a dark cloud starts to fester, or the way their tone changes when they are trying to sympathize/empathize with me.... but simply, cannot. i do not expect anyone to do so. i do not wish for anyone to be unhappy with me, that only makes the water rise higher. mostly, i just don't want to talk about it. i hate trying to make people understand something that i can barely understand myself. sometimes i think about "it," and it becomes just this huge hole, without any definition, depth, color, shape... just a big ass nothing. so if you ask me what's wrong, and i say nothing, i truly mean it.

sometimes i wear my heart on my sleeve and love people so much that some days, i just don't know if i'm really cut out for it. i don't know if i can love all & bare all because i feel myself constantly holding back and restraining all parts of me... the worst part to you, the best part to me, is that it actually feels natural. it always has. pushing away something, forgetting, ignoring, leaving... all of that feels so real and makes the most sense to me. i cannot take in any thing good without first confirming the bad. the bad makes it feel so real. sometimes i love so much that i hate myself for doing it and just wish i could get away from my thinking if even for a minute. my mind is so busy all the time i wonder if i'm ever going to feel peaceful ever again... or if i've ever felt peaceful. then i touch base with what i've always been surrounded by and wonder how anyone could feel peaceful. i wreak the most havoc in myself when i am sitting here, silent, saying nothing, emitting nothing, doing nothing. it's like i don't understand very much... and i'll be honest, i really do make an effort to. that's why it's so tragic.

it's so self destructive and i just don't see how one could be so selfish to ask someone else to be a part of all that. so i don't. i just stay quiet.