i ain't no hater but that nigga lost in the game
after the bright lights and big thangs,
he probably could love you but he in love with the struggle
everyday, his mind on gettin more
and never ya feelins he chasin millions for sure....
we all either know a girl like that or been that girl.
you know... the good girl who will stay with the bad guy for WAY too long, and make up all these excuses along the way, until he's hurt her so bad past the point of return that eventually....
she wakes up one day and just... doesn't love him the way she used to.
doesn't miss him.
doesn't want to call.
doesn't want to text.
doesn't run her fingers through her hair in exasperation.
doesn't put her hand over her heart when it aches.
doesn't wait for him to change.
all that bullshit she put herself through, just... STOPS. no more straws. his last chance, and he fucked it up. i mean, he's fucked up a million times before, but this time it REALLY IS different. not different out of anger. not different out of resent. not different out of hate. because anger, resent, and hate.... those don't last.
so what changed? what induced the change?
i guess.... love? for herself. finally realizing that no man will ever treat her right if she doesn't treat herself right. every girl will need a guy who is so completely unhealthy, time consuming, irrational, and crazy. the one who makes her lose sleep, wet her pillow with tears for nights on end, and apologize over and over with pathetic attempts to try and compensate his actions with petty words.
yes. EVERY GIRL needs that. because the truth is, we need to be hurt in order to learn how to not hurt others in that way. we don't take things at face value.... we take that shit right to the heart. if we really, truly love you, we will NEVER treat you the way he treated us. we will love you to the death of us, if you're worth it.
but i hate to break it to you, the good men out there waiting on us to wake up and realize what we're doing to ourselves.... we gotta love the bad guy first. if we don't know what it's like to be hurt, how can we avoid hurting you that way? nothing you say can change what needs to be done. for EVERY girl.
just please.... don't be the guy that hurts us again, and please remember that we can't guarantee you'll be the one. if it's meant to be, it will always find a way.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
goals for NOW - goals for EVER.
1. eliminate clutter.
2. save to move out within the next year
3. ve-hi-cle
4. buy a book to match every article of clothing i purchase
5. open an alternative savings account
6. get my mom a BOMB 50th bday present
7. remind myself everyday that hard work starts with initiative and not luck.
8. drink green tea. every. day.
9. cook for myself as much as possible
10. remodel my room
11. always say what i feel and remember that we are BETTER than "hardly trying..." and by staying with u its its own reminder to me why this is so worth it. i saved the best for last, but you should know you are at the top of my list, all the time. lets never stop working at this. it's us. you keep me grounded.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
"we gotta face it, there'll be times that we let each other down..."
can't remember the exact words but the gist of it is "no small argument or hurtful thing you say or stupid thing i say when you're mad or when i'm mad, is going to make us break up - and if there was something that broke us up i know we'd come running right back to each other... i'm not going to sleep until we work this out, i'm not letting either of us go to sleep mad. so, let's work this thing out."
how many people can say they have such a sure thing? i know i'll love you today, tomorrow, years from now... that's the kind of mark you put on me. the kind of love you give is the only kind of love i want to have for the rest of my life... love that believes, supports, understands... god i cannot say enough how continually understanding you prove to be. never stubborn. never mad. never accusing/blaming... yet still being able to make me feel like we can make it through anything? amazing. through dumb arguments, me pushing you away, distance, missing each other, basically every single fuckin thing in our way... and i can still feel like it will all end up okay for us? even better than okay. to know you'll still have my back and i'll still want you as bad as i have all these months (enough to make me dizzy), even after all the stupid shit we put each other through? some people would PAY for that kind of love. some people can tweet, facebook, and blog about having a ride or die, but you use LIFE, and the entirety of our relationship, as PROOF that you will always stand by me.
i used to shallowly hope with all my heart that i could find somebody like you. someone who would put up with everything i am, go to war with me and still make me fall in love all over again by the time i was ready to give in and fall asleep... every day with you is a beautiful one. every single day. i want you to know that i'm trying my best.... to be the best me, for you. you deserve it baby. this kind of love doesn't prove itself over night, and i know you know me, so for this next "very long time"....
don't ever give up on me. i promise you, one day all of this will be worth it. thank you for giving me a love to believe in.
how many people can say they have such a sure thing? i know i'll love you today, tomorrow, years from now... that's the kind of mark you put on me. the kind of love you give is the only kind of love i want to have for the rest of my life... love that believes, supports, understands... god i cannot say enough how continually understanding you prove to be. never stubborn. never mad. never accusing/blaming... yet still being able to make me feel like we can make it through anything? amazing. through dumb arguments, me pushing you away, distance, missing each other, basically every single fuckin thing in our way... and i can still feel like it will all end up okay for us? even better than okay. to know you'll still have my back and i'll still want you as bad as i have all these months (enough to make me dizzy), even after all the stupid shit we put each other through? some people would PAY for that kind of love. some people can tweet, facebook, and blog about having a ride or die, but you use LIFE, and the entirety of our relationship, as PROOF that you will always stand by me.
i used to shallowly hope with all my heart that i could find somebody like you. someone who would put up with everything i am, go to war with me and still make me fall in love all over again by the time i was ready to give in and fall asleep... every day with you is a beautiful one. every single day. i want you to know that i'm trying my best.... to be the best me, for you. you deserve it baby. this kind of love doesn't prove itself over night, and i know you know me, so for this next "very long time"....
don't ever give up on me. i promise you, one day all of this will be worth it. thank you for giving me a love to believe in.
Monday, June 20, 2011
in the past few months i've noticed that my favorite bloggers have had... some sort of mental block. i find that their realest, most relatable posts are when they lay it all out, bare their emotions thin and don't bullshit a single thing.
it's almost like.... they write their hearts out until they feel different. might as well give it a shot.
there are these times where i feel nothing; and then one person, whether relative to my life or completely random, makes a small comment and i feel like i have to change the world. maybe it's this fire in me, i don't know, but when i believe in something, i pour all my faith into it expecting it to change my life.
it never does. well. maybe a slight alteration. i can never, EVER, figure out why there's this void inside me that needs to be filled with extremist changes. i can never find the reason WHY.
why do i treat the future like it's somewhere i'm just going to end up? the future is no option. it comes at you every second. but then i think that without glancing at what the future could be, i will never feel secure about the paths i choose to take me there. so that's what it's about. security.
why do i feel the need to transform my surroundings so often? i will never learn the true meaning of consistency. or maybe i could learn to entertain the idea of consistent transformation. or maybe it's because there's been so little in my life that's consistent [insert sob story here], that the thought of something actually sticking to me/my life is scary. so that's what it is? fear of balance.
it's so hard for me to explain what i'm feeling. this frustration. this need to be balanced but disregard to contain and maintain the balance. the overall stress i feel due to nothing, yet contributed by everything. the indifference to the things that used to be important to me... sometimes, i just want to give in. i have spent my whole life being stubborn. and yes, i just want to give up and give in; but the most unsettling part of it all... is that i don't even know what i'm giving into yet.
but as always.... Raaachem says it best, in words that i could never find, for feelings i always feel.
"I was told last night that I was strong woman. I told him it was because I didn’t have a choice. I don’t care to be strong. My only concern right now is my health and my happiness. I understand that happiness isn’t a destination but a state of mind, and I know everything that shines ain’t always gonna be gold. I know this, but I still struggle.
I’m struggling. Still."
do i feel any different after writing this post? maybe a little more sad than i started out. not the kind of liberating different i was looking for, and again... that is why i probably feel this way. i expect liberating happiness in all that i do and refuse to settle for less. give me a little while, i'll find out if that's my rise or my falling.
it's almost like.... they write their hearts out until they feel different. might as well give it a shot.
there are these times where i feel nothing; and then one person, whether relative to my life or completely random, makes a small comment and i feel like i have to change the world. maybe it's this fire in me, i don't know, but when i believe in something, i pour all my faith into it expecting it to change my life.
it never does. well. maybe a slight alteration. i can never, EVER, figure out why there's this void inside me that needs to be filled with extremist changes. i can never find the reason WHY.
why do i treat the future like it's somewhere i'm just going to end up? the future is no option. it comes at you every second. but then i think that without glancing at what the future could be, i will never feel secure about the paths i choose to take me there. so that's what it's about. security.
why do i feel the need to transform my surroundings so often? i will never learn the true meaning of consistency. or maybe i could learn to entertain the idea of consistent transformation. or maybe it's because there's been so little in my life that's consistent [insert sob story here], that the thought of something actually sticking to me/my life is scary. so that's what it is? fear of balance.
it's so hard for me to explain what i'm feeling. this frustration. this need to be balanced but disregard to contain and maintain the balance. the overall stress i feel due to nothing, yet contributed by everything. the indifference to the things that used to be important to me... sometimes, i just want to give in. i have spent my whole life being stubborn. and yes, i just want to give up and give in; but the most unsettling part of it all... is that i don't even know what i'm giving into yet.
but as always.... Raaachem says it best, in words that i could never find, for feelings i always feel.
"I was told last night that I was strong woman. I told him it was because I didn’t have a choice. I don’t care to be strong. My only concern right now is my health and my happiness. I understand that happiness isn’t a destination but a state of mind, and I know everything that shines ain’t always gonna be gold. I know this, but I still struggle.
I’m struggling. Still."
do i feel any different after writing this post? maybe a little more sad than i started out. not the kind of liberating different i was looking for, and again... that is why i probably feel this way. i expect liberating happiness in all that i do and refuse to settle for less. give me a little while, i'll find out if that's my rise or my falling.
things ill never need. but want. badly. (greenergrassdesign.com)
Balloon Speaker
Tuxedo Sam Flashdrive
Color Change Umbrella (for all this damn rain)
Salt & Pepper Shakers
"O" bowl
(eating shin ramyun would never be the same again)
Happy Toast mug! :)
Aliiiien mug :)
Headdemock (fatboyusa.com) (omfg)
"Forget Me Knot" ring in white
a baby pug named "pepito"
luxury dog house(s) for pepito
and lastly,
etc. etc. etc.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
i wouldn't trade you for the world i swear it
i swear i will probably have to write something like this after each departure. both ways. i thought you leaving me was hard, i never thought having to walk away from you would be so difficult.... once i ventured up the escalator and the color of your hoodie disappeared my heart sank to my feet, had it sunk any lower i could've stepped on it but the feeling wouldn't be nearly as bad as how i feel right now.
i. miss. you.
it's crazy how some couples who live together or just relatively close (same city) can be so... unhappy with each other. so undeserving of the other. so unwilling to aim for more just because they are afraid of the hard work and having something that is worth loving in distance. now, this isn't to say that there aren't couples in which the partners live close to each other that aren't absolutely AMAZING - but people need to stop trippin as if all long distance relationships have an expiry date written all over them.
hello, reality check. if your boyfriend who you see every day and pretend to love and have slowly resented more and more after all these years, sleeps in the same exact bed as you every night, you probably have more of an expiry date than me and mine ever will.
which we don't. but that is besides the point.
i have major ADD when i'm sad, if that isn't already apparent :(
i will miss being held first thing in the morning before even speaking words. i will miss slow kisses, fast kisses, stupid kisses, opportunity kisses. i will miss telling you "come here" every single day. i will miss your...... singing, if you can call it that, in the car. i will miss kisses at the red lights (and forcing you to kiss me while driving :)). i will miss laying in bed with no regard for the day or the world, just being in love. and i will especially miss hearing you say all the words i love to hear at any time of the day...
i miss you so much it hurts, but i know that hurt means something. i know nothing could hurt more than having to go without this, and really, i wouldn't trade you, or us, for anything.
i. miss. you.
it's crazy how some couples who live together or just relatively close (same city) can be so... unhappy with each other. so undeserving of the other. so unwilling to aim for more just because they are afraid of the hard work and having something that is worth loving in distance. now, this isn't to say that there aren't couples in which the partners live close to each other that aren't absolutely AMAZING - but people need to stop trippin as if all long distance relationships have an expiry date written all over them.
hello, reality check. if your boyfriend who you see every day and pretend to love and have slowly resented more and more after all these years, sleeps in the same exact bed as you every night, you probably have more of an expiry date than me and mine ever will.
which we don't. but that is besides the point.
i have major ADD when i'm sad, if that isn't already apparent :(
i will miss being held first thing in the morning before even speaking words. i will miss slow kisses, fast kisses, stupid kisses, opportunity kisses. i will miss telling you "come here" every single day. i will miss your...... singing, if you can call it that, in the car. i will miss kisses at the red lights (and forcing you to kiss me while driving :)). i will miss laying in bed with no regard for the day or the world, just being in love. and i will especially miss hearing you say all the words i love to hear at any time of the day...
i miss you so much it hurts, but i know that hurt means something. i know nothing could hurt more than having to go without this, and really, i wouldn't trade you, or us, for anything.
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