if i could find an inexpensive way to get my green card so i could go to SDSU/work in california I'D FUCKING DO IT IN A HEART BEAT. holy shit.
get me out of canada.
Monday, February 28, 2011
save myself
Burst through your door. Strip down. Put on his t-shirt. Stare at your phone for a second. Jump into bed. Wrap his blanket around you as if you're about to die.
Cry.
What the fuck, did someone die or what? No? Quit acting like it.
But you can't really help it. You spent so much time in this bed with him that you forgot what it was like to be in it alone. Was it always this cold? Cry again. Stare. At nothing. Stare at the floor. Stare at your dresser. Stare at your closet. Stare. At nothing.
Now stop. Save yourself.
I know it hurts. I know it hurts everywhere. I know the thought that every step you take in your room, he took a step there too. Or his shirt was there. Or his hoodie. I know, his empty boxes of vans are sitting near your door and I also know the bottle of Rose is staring back at you but YOU NEED TO STOP.
Because it's not over. In fact, look at it this way... it's just beginning. That time you spent together is just a preview of what's going to come. You guys are so magical together, you've heard it a million times from others so just remember that. These things take time. You just need to be patient. Train yourself. Listen to yourself. Be patient with yourself. Be gentle. Remember why it hurts so much to begin with.
It hurts because the love you share is that good. Don't forget that. Don't lose yourself over love when you should just... love yourself, over love. It's really that simple.
Be happy. He's alive. You're alive. He loves you. You love him. Be happy to be so in love that it hurts.
Love hurts sometimes when you do it right... - so save some room for him in your heart. Have your little cry session, empty out, and let him back in. Cause when you do... it'll feel so good. [Insert number of days] without love makes one weak but be real with yourself, you have more love than a lot of people can understand. You have someone who loves you no matter how far away they are.
That's beautiful. You should really keep reminding yourself that.
Love,
me.
P.S. just start counting the days again. Be excited. It's a good look on you.
Cry.
What the fuck, did someone die or what? No? Quit acting like it.
But you can't really help it. You spent so much time in this bed with him that you forgot what it was like to be in it alone. Was it always this cold? Cry again. Stare. At nothing. Stare at the floor. Stare at your dresser. Stare at your closet. Stare. At nothing.
Now stop. Save yourself.
I know it hurts. I know it hurts everywhere. I know the thought that every step you take in your room, he took a step there too. Or his shirt was there. Or his hoodie. I know, his empty boxes of vans are sitting near your door and I also know the bottle of Rose is staring back at you but YOU NEED TO STOP.
Because it's not over. In fact, look at it this way... it's just beginning. That time you spent together is just a preview of what's going to come. You guys are so magical together, you've heard it a million times from others so just remember that. These things take time. You just need to be patient. Train yourself. Listen to yourself. Be patient with yourself. Be gentle. Remember why it hurts so much to begin with.
It hurts because the love you share is that good. Don't forget that. Don't lose yourself over love when you should just... love yourself, over love. It's really that simple.
Be happy. He's alive. You're alive. He loves you. You love him. Be happy to be so in love that it hurts.
Love hurts sometimes when you do it right... - so save some room for him in your heart. Have your little cry session, empty out, and let him back in. Cause when you do... it'll feel so good. [Insert number of days] without love makes one weak but be real with yourself, you have more love than a lot of people can understand. You have someone who loves you no matter how far away they are.
That's beautiful. You should really keep reminding yourself that.
Love,
me.
P.S. just start counting the days again. Be excited. It's a good look on you.
Friday, February 25, 2011
untitled pt.2
i'm laying here.
you're laying there.
next to me, and you are as close as one could get, but the thought that you'll be on your way soon makes you feel so... far.
bittersweet. that's how it feels.
sweet that i could be so blessed to feel this happy again...
bitter that i'm re-introduced to the feeling of how afraid i am to lose it.
but i don't say anything. i let your hands rush over me like fire and calm me like the rain at four in the morning.
i love you. it makes me cry, it makes me smile.
you're laying there.
next to me, and you are as close as one could get, but the thought that you'll be on your way soon makes you feel so... far.
bittersweet. that's how it feels.
sweet that i could be so blessed to feel this happy again...
bitter that i'm re-introduced to the feeling of how afraid i am to lose it.
but i don't say anything. i let your hands rush over me like fire and calm me like the rain at four in the morning.
i love you. it makes me cry, it makes me smile.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
*been busy. that's all i can say really. :x
it's kind of like.
we've always been together.
when you're here, it's hard to believe that someone who fits so perfectly into my life is the farthest thing from it.
the way i nestle into your shoulder and how well i sleep each night. it's painful to have to be reminded constantly that this kind of happiness can only be taken in doses.
you're right, though... kinda crazy how this works for us huh?
i love you though. and everything you do. whether it's grabbing me a glass of water or grabbing my best friend's ipod that she forgot to take in the restaurant.
everything just seems to work. our simplicity, and at times our complexity. the small things, the big things.
they all just... work. nothing makes more sense than you.
it's kind of like.
we've always been together.
when you're here, it's hard to believe that someone who fits so perfectly into my life is the farthest thing from it.
the way i nestle into your shoulder and how well i sleep each night. it's painful to have to be reminded constantly that this kind of happiness can only be taken in doses.
you're right, though... kinda crazy how this works for us huh?
i love you though. and everything you do. whether it's grabbing me a glass of water or grabbing my best friend's ipod that she forgot to take in the restaurant.
everything just seems to work. our simplicity, and at times our complexity. the small things, the big things.
they all just... work. nothing makes more sense than you.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Dear you,
I only hope that you find the love you need to give to yourself to fully comprehend that this letter is in fact, for you.
First off, I love you. I think you deserve everything. Sure, there's times where you are a mess and you are the source of the lone pimple on my face and the one reason why my hair is going to fall out one day; but I will never love you any less. Sometimes you even neglect to take your phone off silent. It's okay. Really. You balance everyone else out.
I know you all too well. You stay up all night thinking, allowing yourself to (for hours on end) listen to music that seeps into your heart and build a little home for itself. John Mayer, The Fray... Old songs. Those songs. Everything that reminds you of him. From the hip-hop to the song you laughed to and uh you know, all that good stuff. You just lay in bed, and you feel. You feel the blue in your soul. The red in your blood. I bet if you think hard enough you can even conjure up the way he used to smell, when he was there, right next to you, at any given time. I bet you can remember the exact locations of his "smile-wrinkles" and I bet you fantasize about how you could spot him in 0.3 seconds in any room.
Regardless if the room is dark or not.
Because as long as he's in that room, there's a light.
So here, take this and please, swallow it, bottle it up and put it on your pocket, tie it around your neck, vacuum seal it in your heart, and eat it for every meal of the day. You deserve to be that happy. The kind of happy that you're lusting after each night. The kind of happy that curls the edges of your lips and tingles in your stomach. The kind of happy that you almost had... Just be patient baby girl. Don't be afraid to lose it, because God gives to those what he feels is right. All you have to do is allow him to live in you and let you love again, you know why? Because you are fully capable of receiving and housing a love that is that strong. The kind of love that makes me excited to possibly have it in my own hands one day, with mine.
The kind of love that keeps you up at night. You deserve to sleep some more. The kind of love that holds that grey cloud over your head. You used to have sun shining out of your ass. The kind of love that puts a spell on other people... We see you, we know you, and although we love you, we cant stand seeing you lose that magic.
So please. Look in the mirror. Say it straight up:
I deserve what I want.
Go get it. You need this, and we need you back 100%. The "you" that was a shining example to everyone around you about how you could have love, God, friendship, family, everything. Let yourself love again, and if all else fails, please, promise me this:
You'll love yourself no matter what. We love you, you should too.
Love with all my heart with the amount of all the peas in the world,
Me.
I only hope that you find the love you need to give to yourself to fully comprehend that this letter is in fact, for you.
First off, I love you. I think you deserve everything. Sure, there's times where you are a mess and you are the source of the lone pimple on my face and the one reason why my hair is going to fall out one day; but I will never love you any less. Sometimes you even neglect to take your phone off silent. It's okay. Really. You balance everyone else out.
I know you all too well. You stay up all night thinking, allowing yourself to (for hours on end) listen to music that seeps into your heart and build a little home for itself. John Mayer, The Fray... Old songs. Those songs. Everything that reminds you of him. From the hip-hop to the song you laughed to and uh you know, all that good stuff. You just lay in bed, and you feel. You feel the blue in your soul. The red in your blood. I bet if you think hard enough you can even conjure up the way he used to smell, when he was there, right next to you, at any given time. I bet you can remember the exact locations of his "smile-wrinkles" and I bet you fantasize about how you could spot him in 0.3 seconds in any room.
Regardless if the room is dark or not.
Because as long as he's in that room, there's a light.
So here, take this and please, swallow it, bottle it up and put it on your pocket, tie it around your neck, vacuum seal it in your heart, and eat it for every meal of the day. You deserve to be that happy. The kind of happy that you're lusting after each night. The kind of happy that curls the edges of your lips and tingles in your stomach. The kind of happy that you almost had... Just be patient baby girl. Don't be afraid to lose it, because God gives to those what he feels is right. All you have to do is allow him to live in you and let you love again, you know why? Because you are fully capable of receiving and housing a love that is that strong. The kind of love that makes me excited to possibly have it in my own hands one day, with mine.
The kind of love that keeps you up at night. You deserve to sleep some more. The kind of love that holds that grey cloud over your head. You used to have sun shining out of your ass. The kind of love that puts a spell on other people... We see you, we know you, and although we love you, we cant stand seeing you lose that magic.
So please. Look in the mirror. Say it straight up:
I deserve what I want.
Go get it. You need this, and we need you back 100%. The "you" that was a shining example to everyone around you about how you could have love, God, friendship, family, everything. Let yourself love again, and if all else fails, please, promise me this:
You'll love yourself no matter what. We love you, you should too.
Love with all my heart with the amount of all the peas in the world,
Me.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
just a thought
if i'm going to love somebody...
i want to do it right.
you know? i mean it takes a lot for me to love someone. a lot of pride being let go. a lot of walls torn down. a lot of courage to even allow myself to step out of my personal boundary and respect someone else's enough to want to change myself, to fit them. a lot of convincing myself that i will only settle for the love i deserve - and the kind of love i deserve is what ANYONE deserves, good or bad.
a love that is pure, truthful and deep.
my birthday month flower is a narcissus - rooting from the Greek term "narikissos" which means numbness.
numbness.
overcoming my sense of self-love and looking past my "i'm the only one who can love me" love and allowing all those wounds to open back up, heal, and FEEL again.... that's probably THE HARDEST part. in fact, i can't think of a more difficult task that would dawn upon me in the process of trying to explain all the ways that i try to love someone.
some people say if you love them, you just do. and it just happens. i sort of agree with that and at the same time - i call bullshit. you can love someone but not know how to express it the right way.
like say your father who was a hard ass all those years and on his death bed he finally told you something you've always been waiting for - well shit i'm not trying to wait until i'm half dead to show/prove to someone i love them the right way, even though i did all these years. right? so regardless, if you love somebody, it's like a talent: it must be practiced and perfected and you must allow for mistakes but hope for the best out of all of your efforts.
i want to love someone deep.
deep like, buried underneath myself, never going to be able to diffuse it out of my HEART deep.
i want to love someone whole.
whole like, all around me, filling my veins like venom, touching each pore of my lungs even when it feels like i'm not breathing, the curl in my toes and the wrinkles that aren't even on my face whole.
i want to love someone reckless.
reckless like, i don't give a fuck about tomorrow.... i love you so much today. i'm going to show you how much i love you today. i'm going to love you, TODAY.
i want to love someone desperate.
desperate like, if it doesn't weaken my knees when i'm not even moving and it doesn't steal every second breath and it doesn't triple the amount of heart palpitations in a minute when he says my name, then i don't want it.
and, i want to love someone right.
right like, the way they need to be loved. the way i need to love. the little words at the end of every phone call. the reassurance of just how much it kills me and at the same time allows me to live, simply by loving them. the soft look that tells them all the millions of reasons why i love them.
if i'm going to love someone....
i'm gonna go all out. you know? love is strong. not weak. so i'm going to treat it like the biggest antidote and the biggest poison. fight for it and not because of it. be soft, but love HARD.
i want to do it right.
you know? i mean it takes a lot for me to love someone. a lot of pride being let go. a lot of walls torn down. a lot of courage to even allow myself to step out of my personal boundary and respect someone else's enough to want to change myself, to fit them. a lot of convincing myself that i will only settle for the love i deserve - and the kind of love i deserve is what ANYONE deserves, good or bad.
a love that is pure, truthful and deep.
my birthday month flower is a narcissus - rooting from the Greek term "narikissos" which means numbness.
numbness.
overcoming my sense of self-love and looking past my "i'm the only one who can love me" love and allowing all those wounds to open back up, heal, and FEEL again.... that's probably THE HARDEST part. in fact, i can't think of a more difficult task that would dawn upon me in the process of trying to explain all the ways that i try to love someone.
some people say if you love them, you just do. and it just happens. i sort of agree with that and at the same time - i call bullshit. you can love someone but not know how to express it the right way.
like say your father who was a hard ass all those years and on his death bed he finally told you something you've always been waiting for - well shit i'm not trying to wait until i'm half dead to show/prove to someone i love them the right way, even though i did all these years. right? so regardless, if you love somebody, it's like a talent: it must be practiced and perfected and you must allow for mistakes but hope for the best out of all of your efforts.
i want to love someone deep.
deep like, buried underneath myself, never going to be able to diffuse it out of my HEART deep.
i want to love someone whole.
whole like, all around me, filling my veins like venom, touching each pore of my lungs even when it feels like i'm not breathing, the curl in my toes and the wrinkles that aren't even on my face whole.
i want to love someone reckless.
reckless like, i don't give a fuck about tomorrow.... i love you so much today. i'm going to show you how much i love you today. i'm going to love you, TODAY.
i want to love someone desperate.
desperate like, if it doesn't weaken my knees when i'm not even moving and it doesn't steal every second breath and it doesn't triple the amount of heart palpitations in a minute when he says my name, then i don't want it.
and, i want to love someone right.
right like, the way they need to be loved. the way i need to love. the little words at the end of every phone call. the reassurance of just how much it kills me and at the same time allows me to live, simply by loving them. the soft look that tells them all the millions of reasons why i love them.
if i'm going to love someone....
i'm gonna go all out. you know? love is strong. not weak. so i'm going to treat it like the biggest antidote and the biggest poison. fight for it and not because of it. be soft, but love HARD.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
everyday that passes by, i seem to want you more and more...
she got the long dark hair
her skin quite fair
and big gold dangly earrings in the air
and all i really cared about was making us grow
with or without the cash, moolah, paper, or dough
she was kind of on the humble
but stung me on the bumble
her skin quite fair
and big gold dangly earrings in the air
and all i really cared about was making us grow
with or without the cash, moolah, paper, or dough
she was kind of on the humble
but stung me on the bumble
Friday, February 4, 2011
happy birthday
yet another year without you and yet another year that i can't even tune in to this "obligation" i feel to greet you directly.
so here.
happy birthday,
thanks for missing mine
happy birthday,
thanks for missing hers
happy birthday,
thanks for missing my graduation
happy birthday,
thanks for missing his
happy birthday,
and hers
happy birthday,
i learned to be softer since your last birthday... learned to let love in and forgive you for the love you neglected to give
so yeah
best wishes
happy birthday pops
so here.
happy birthday,
thanks for missing mine
happy birthday,
thanks for missing hers
happy birthday,
thanks for missing my graduation
happy birthday,
thanks for missing his
happy birthday,
and hers
happy birthday,
i learned to be softer since your last birthday... learned to let love in and forgive you for the love you neglected to give
so yeah
best wishes
happy birthday pops
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
one and only
You've been on my mind
I grow fonder every day, lose myself in time
Just thinking of your face
God only knows
Why it's taking me so long... to let my doubts go
You're the only one that I want
I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before
Every feeling every word, I've imagined it all,
You never know if you never tried to forgive your past
And simply be mine
I dare you to let me be all, the one and only
Promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance
To prove I'm the one who can
Walk them miles
Until the air starts
Warping on your mind
I grow fonder every day, lose myself in time
Just thinking of your face
God only knows
Why it's taking me so long... to let my doubts go
You're the only one that I want
I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before
Every feeling every word, I've imagined it all,
You never know if you never tried to forgive your past
And simply be mine
I dare you to let me be all, the one and only
Promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance
To prove I'm the one who can
Walk them miles
Until the air starts
Warping on your mind
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