A Friend in Need is Japan Indeed

directing this fundraiser with a couple other post-sec students! come out and support, only $15 at the door plus a bachelor raffle with a bunch of studs. and SUPPORT LOCAL TALENT! hooolllaaaa

crumbling cookie.

i just read "The Process: Until I Get Back on My Feet" and i can honestly say no body of words has ever rung truer to the depths, outlines, and proceedings of my life.

sure, i'm only 18 but if i keep stressing out as if i'm 42 i will probably just wake up at 36, pass out, and stop working (at the least i will lose every sense of normalcy... i would bet on this). so with that said that is my reasoning for my current "mid-life crisis" feeling (18+18=36 for those of you who suck at mind math).

nothing confirmed my ties to this post more than this following sentence:

I’m tired of going to bed each night knowing it won’t be my alarm waking me up, but rather my anxiety, so tonight I’m attempting to go to bed without that feeling by writing out the truth about how I feel.

holy SHIT. like when is the last time i slept without waking up more than twice? when is the last time my alarm woke me up? when's the last time i didn't wake up before my alarm, loathing my insides for not just making me lose sleep the night before, but also taking away whatever sleep i could have now? i can't even fall back to sleep for two f@#$ing hours?

if i could, i would buy sleep. i would lease it, finance it, anything, anything to JUST be able to sleep NORMALLY. you know, fall asleep at anytime and actually stay asleep in the time given? you know, what normal de-stressed people are able to do? you know, not wake up in the middle of the night freaking out about something? i either wake up with my heart pounding or my eyes crying.

you know what? i'm just so... SICK OF IT. sick of feeling like a mess. sick of letting the things i try to do consume me. sick of losing control. sick of literally feeling sick to my stomach when i glance at my life and have to face all the imbalance... where does it end? or better yet, where does it begin? i can't trace anything. i can't pinpoint anything. here i am, the girl who claims to be all about the more intricate details to my life rather than being a product of the broad&general... and now i'm just. GENERALLY STRESSED. just stressed, overall - and i am so mentally, physically, emotionally sick of it.

i don't want to cry over nothing. petty things. i want my balls back, you know, the ones that made me tough? strong? "oh but you're one of the strongest girls i know, and you're doing such good things" really? cause when i do something i just feel WEAK. defeated. anything i take on, i feel like it has already beat me.

please God, give me the strength to just... allow myself to have strength. it's all i ask.

breaking

was so excited to get last week over and done with and woke up this morning feeling cold, hot, sweaty, empty, dry, hungry, nauseous, everything terrible. buenos dias lunes.

and then i realized that finals are in less than a month

and i need to apply for fall

and i really hate school

and people should be more proactive at replying to their emails 

and i'm just so exhausted. mentally. emotionally. physically. my soul is like "time out bro" and so...

but it's fine. i'll keep praying. this too, shall pass.

/bitter

please stop. i'm begging you.

please stop acting like i belong to him. i don't.
please stop acting like i'm going to let him have a single say in the way i run my life - it's not going to happen.

and yes you have done the most AMAZING job at raising me. but please, believe me when i tell you this. the farther you push me away the quicker your results will come, and then what will you do? i don't want to hurt you but.... you make it so hard.

you make it so hard for me when you yell without cause. when you let your emotions get the best of you and when you act like i'm not doing anything to deserve this.... like i don't deserve to make my own decisions or like i haven't made rational ones, or like i haven't made it to the exact place i said i'd be - and all of this on my own.

please, please stop making it out like i owe you the rest of my decisions. i don't. i'm not that old, but i fully believe i'm not that young either. i believe i deserve different treatment - i believe i've done enough to be trusted and you're being completely irrational and unfair to me.

have i not worked my ass off to this point? don't answer that, cause by MYSELF, i know i have. don't act like just cause he's your man and wasn't there for the first sixteen years of my life that he deserves my consideration. don't act like just cause he makes you happy, that automatically gives him entitlement to have say over what i do.

IT DOESN'T. IT NEVER WILL.

so please just stop. stop acting like i don't deserve time to myself. don't act like i haven't suffered enough of your shit my entire life, don't act like i don't have a single reason for wanting to leave this place even for a few weeks. you may just be extra worried or whatever BUT JUST STOP. because i haven't given you a reason to worry, and when you worry about me when i'm not at fault it just makes me feel like you're blaming me for things i've never done and refusing to trust me over pain i've never caused.

let me do me. the sooner you deal with it, the easier it'll be for the both of us. i'm not going to stay here and listen to you bitch at me forever while staying quiet... so stop. or better yet, don't stop, it'll feel that much better when i'm gone.

200 postsss!!

but seriously.

untitled pt.3: brand new old love

and do you remember that one time when i kissed you everywhere? in my head it feels like it was maybe thirty seconds but in reality, it was probably eight or nine or ten or maybe even more minutes.

and in that time i felt like i was trying to beat something. not time. not bad thoughts. i wasn't racing... i was just trying to win against the grain.

what grain though?

and as good as it felt to love someone so tenderly, i couldn't help but feel a slight undertone of sadness. trying to figure out why i couldn't just deal with my past when i WASN'T busy trying to make someone feel that way was bruising my insides.

so i muted my soul and continued kissing hoping that when i was done, my souls voice would be different. with clearer words and louder intentions. i wished so hard each time my lips parted that when this was over, when i had tuned back into reality, that i could emotionally be with you.

even though i was with you, in those few moments i wasn't really with you.

i was being selfish. i was making you a part of me. you wouldn't even know it. i wouldn't expect you to. i was opening old wounds. i was remembering all the times where i had laughed at the thought of catering to anyone but myself.

the grain was me.... i was trying to win against myself. i was trying to beat the old me. and when i surfaced, coming back to you in every single way imaginable, i had won. i beat the old me out of the water. i was new.

your fingertips, your chin with its light scruff, your chest, your arms.... my lips.

it was like buying the most amazing dress and returning it years later - with rips everywhere, and dirt all over it and some tears from those long nights of it being completely worn out. it was like the anticipated disappointment, the knot in your stomach from expecting the girl at the counter to laugh in your face (is she seriously trying to pull this right now?)... but instead the universe goes easy on you, and she helps you find a completely new dress and you know that this time... you have to take care of it. you have to treat it like the best thing anyone has ever given you. you have to be kind whenever you're in it and show it off and say nothing but good things about where you got it from and what it was made out of.

that new dress, is like my second chance.

pac div

"at first, i'd rather be ya nigga, time goes fast and our vows move quicker, couldn't wait a while kinda crazy how i grew witcha"

and

"you turn me on in ways that i can't even explain girl you shittin on the game, you gon make a nigga change, put me in my right mind, had me put the henny down now i'm on my white wine, kick it in the day time, sex in the night time, every day i pray we stay connected like a life-line"

what price do you pay

"love doesn't pay the bills."
ok.
you know what else doesn't pay the bills?
starving yourself off from intangible rewards like love
falling into depression
not being able to get out of bed
losing your sense of personal hygiene
quitting your job
because you let another one go again
because love doesn't do anything for you.... right?

okayyyy
and who says love doesn't pay the bills?
love will lend you a hand if you ask of it
love will pay for your cellphone bill so he can talk to you
love will let you stay at his place when even YOU can't afford to pay the bills

you know what else love does?
love tells you you're pretty when you wake up in the morning looking like a 0.2
love puts you to sleep at night with a smile on your face
love has your back when you have no money, no job, too many bills
love asks only of you to stay present and let the moment take care of you
love takes care of you
love gives you depth


who gives a fuck about bills.
"at the top is where i'm most lonely, had to act phony lost my one and only homie"
i used to think that way too. believe me. i thought love was just a joke.
stress. fights. blech's. blah's.
until i fell in love for real... and love will take care of the things that paying bills will never take care of.

sure you need heat
water
food
internet
but when you feel unloved
it doesn't matter.
cause at the end of the day when your bills are paid up, you're still lonely.
and part of you is dead.

i'd rather feel alive and be barely living, than be living and feel barely alive.

settle for whatever long as i can get with you

c. sheen

"because i was people pleasing for too long, and when you're people pleasing, your soul is dead. cause at the end of the day you're left with yourself and you think, 'God, i didn't take care of myself. AGAIN.'"

to be continued

one thing i learned this week that may be obvious to everyone but myself is the following:

being happy does not mean always being happy. it means being able to accept that bad things happen, and not every feeling inside you is a good one. being happy means that, after adversity and pain and heart ache, in the scheme of things, you can still appreciate the *amazing* that is in your life while also being able to deal with (and not just push away) the bad.

i've always been that kind of person - if something bad happened, i'd just push it away. i'd deal with it in the dark... which is funny because i was always so focused on staying in the light so when did i ever really deal with my shit? never. so focused on trying to be happy that i forgot that everyone has their demons and if you suffocate them, they come back ten fold.

so now in the next little while.... i'll just... DEAL. deal with you leaving and possibly never coming back. i'll deal with it by engaging myself and loving the person who left and will sure enough be coming back. the person who is physically gone but always with me, around me... being in love is an incredible thing. you feel it in all emotions. you develop a hunger for all that comes out of being in love and at the same time you realize that each moment is fulfilling... it's always just this constant cycle of emotions. it really does feel so good when it's real.

to all the people i can depend on and see the potential in me to live my life out in incredible lengths and measures (regardless of your absence), i love you SO much. my back bone. so many people are focused on being able to be happy on their own but where's the fun in that? i can honestly say i have a handful of people that i will never forget because they love me more than i knew i was capable of being loved.

and to God, expect me to pray to you like 40 times a day... or at least holla at you on the regular. i have so much to thank you for and so many people to pray to you about... even if you aren't in my life as i had hoped, i just hope you're safe.