and what's unfair is...
is that i'm here
and you're there
(sometimes i think she just digs into my heart and puts down the words i can't seem to say. just much, much more beautifully)
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
might i fancy
- i love familiarity. i love hearing the sound of a confirmed video call on ichat and having an uncontrollable smile the second it's loaded. i love the sound of screenshots, especially when they are not of my own doing. i love friendship mixed with flirting and lust and other emotions to balance it all out (ie. ummm frustration? stress? horse shit? yep).
-i love getting excited to see my best friends and feeling a rush of content when they come through. tutut girl is that you? "oh YO! blah blah" and i love how hilarious all my homies are. homieostatis, and conglomerated unicorns. and i love lamp.
- i love when people ask me/tell me something about my blog... seriously. i love it... i love it.
- i love detail and i am more likely to surround myself with people who pay attention to detail... seriously, befriend my two best friends larita & ariana and they will probably remember a stain on your shirt three years from now. strange. i know. but detail is so sexy :)
- i love hearing people laugh... especially when it's because of me :)
- i love ginger ale, vanilla chapstick, and warm fall weather. i seriously get a dose of giddyness every single time i drive by yellow-leaved trees.
- i love wale's "more about nothing" oh my goodness gracious have you listened to that whole thing? people need to realize how much work wale puts into his shit. HIS DETAIL (again) is impeccable. it is probably like half of my daily music intake. he's sooooooo underrated.
- i love seeing people do things they normally don't do... and being a bit more than decent at it :). or i like seeing people go out of their (obvious) comfort zone. like when my white friends drink bubble tea and they like the sago. OR. when my favorite dancer decides (is forced) to blog. i am a proud mami. check out thebelife (breakEFX). drop 1 for my boy. hella hydraulics.
-i love getting excited to see my best friends and feeling a rush of content when they come through. tutut girl is that you? "oh YO! blah blah" and i love how hilarious all my homies are. homieostatis, and conglomerated unicorns. and i love lamp.
- i love when people ask me/tell me something about my blog... seriously. i love it... i love it.
- i love detail and i am more likely to surround myself with people who pay attention to detail... seriously, befriend my two best friends larita & ariana and they will probably remember a stain on your shirt three years from now. strange. i know. but detail is so sexy :)
- i love hearing people laugh... especially when it's because of me :)
- i love ginger ale, vanilla chapstick, and warm fall weather. i seriously get a dose of giddyness every single time i drive by yellow-leaved trees.
- i love wale's "more about nothing" oh my goodness gracious have you listened to that whole thing? people need to realize how much work wale puts into his shit. HIS DETAIL (again) is impeccable. it is probably like half of my daily music intake. he's sooooooo underrated.
- i love seeing people do things they normally don't do... and being a bit more than decent at it :). or i like seeing people go out of their (obvious) comfort zone. like when my white friends drink bubble tea and they like the sago. OR. when my favorite dancer decides (is forced) to blog. i am a proud mami. check out thebelife (breakEFX). drop 1 for my boy. hella hydraulics.
sometimes the easy way out is being mad
it's sad when you care about somebody and they just seem to piss you off.
it's also sad when that somebody doesn't seem to trust you.
they question your patience. your integrity. your morals.
it hurts most when they question the (unconditional) amount of love you have for them.
whether it's being blinded by someone else's opinions, or clouded by their own distrust...
it's bullshit. and it hurts.
when someone tells you to be successful so that they don't look dumb.
not because they care about whether or not you'll find content in your dreams,
nope, because they are worried about their own appearance to people who don't even MATTER.
serious bullshit.
it's also sad when that somebody doesn't seem to trust you.
they question your patience. your integrity. your morals.
it hurts most when they question the (unconditional) amount of love you have for them.
whether it's being blinded by someone else's opinions, or clouded by their own distrust...
it's bullshit. and it hurts.
when someone tells you to be successful so that they don't look dumb.
not because they care about whether or not you'll find content in your dreams,
nope, because they are worried about their own appearance to people who don't even MATTER.
serious bullshit.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
i hate whoever ain't you
i just wanted to be at peace with you
and if i gotta settle for a piece of you, then i gotta say peace to you
with all due respect i do respect you enough to expect
effort is all i ask
if we gonna last more, i gotta ask for more
and if that means that i'm askin for too much
i'm sure we'll end up as our last or.. past.
to you, you, and maybe even you.
it doesn't happen often, but sometimes i'm not myself. or i'm not the person i want to be. and sometimes it lasts for an hour, sometimes it lasts for a day, sometimes it lasts for a month. i try my best to steer away from it, but my biggest problem is not being able to admit that i feel that way when i do. to me, by telling you how i feel, i give my problems a 'status,' and i know more than anyone that when that happens, i have to face my problems. let's be real here, i've spent more time running away from my problems. habitual tendencies like that don't disappear. although it would be nice, i'm not sure i could stand the person i might be if i wasn't always breaking off from my adversity.
and i know it's not much of an excuse, but it's my excuse. some people smoke, some drink and some bite their nails. my vice is just not dealing with my occasionally set of "shitty" feelings. i know it doesn't sound like a lot to deal with, but because it's the only thing that really affects me, it terrifies me to bits to let anyone else in when i feel that way. i'm sorry in advance. you might think i'm mad at you, or upset with something you've done, and although that may be true - it's probably just petty shit and the reality of it is that i'm more pissed at myself.
so truly and deeply, i am sorry in advance.
for the times where i'll just leave emotionally without explaining myself, which leads to me leaving physically and making you wonder. sometimes it just feels like every word i want to say will be wrong. so i say nothing until it all feels okay again.
for the times where i let the things you do that hurt me (whether it be a little or a lot) slide... and then bring them up when the damage has been done, half-expecting you to fix what cannot be fixed, and half-expecting you to not actually care. i know i should be upfront with well, just about everything, but it's hard for me.
for the times that i tell you that you don't care. what do i know? to you it may be obvious that you care about me, but unless you show it or tell me straight up, i will just go off assuming... i don't know why i do this, i just know i do. i am trying to get over this long bump.
for the times where i argue with my whole heart ... i am probably arguing more with myself than you. you just happened to get caught in between the argument between myself and i. damnit, miscommunication seems to be the story. of. my. life.
for the times where i don't message you all day or seem stand-offish when you message me. i've gone through guys who played so many petty ass games that my sense of communication is a little misguided. sometimes i feel like i might be bothering you or coming on too strong. or i'm just waiting to see if something you might say is relevant. or i just want to hear your voice but don't want to intrude, so i occupy myself with other bbm's & texts & phone calls in hopes that your name shows out of nowhere and a million butterflies wake up in my stomach.
for the times where i get caught up. especially if you are not as caught up in it as i am.
for the times where i might just disappear... waiting to see if you adore me enough to make me come back. now i don't mean, physically disappear but my heart just goes on off-mode for a minute. i know it isn't fair, or ideal, or even practical, but blame the rest of them before you. :/
i am sorry for these maybe petty, maybe major issues (i stopped telling the difference) and i hope that through all of this you just remember that i will learn to love every single thing about you. your laugh. your focused face. your voice when you think something's wrong. i also hope that you remember that this is only an occasional thing, just as i will be understanding to the fact that everyone has their shit days - you included. one last thing, if you feel like i'm just saying all of this just so you can excuse all my bullshit, that's not it at all. i'm saying this in hopes that you, or you, or maybe even you, will ask me to try, instead of just walking away.
three simple words.
will. you. try.
and i know it's not much of an excuse, but it's my excuse. some people smoke, some drink and some bite their nails. my vice is just not dealing with my occasionally set of "shitty" feelings. i know it doesn't sound like a lot to deal with, but because it's the only thing that really affects me, it terrifies me to bits to let anyone else in when i feel that way. i'm sorry in advance. you might think i'm mad at you, or upset with something you've done, and although that may be true - it's probably just petty shit and the reality of it is that i'm more pissed at myself.
so truly and deeply, i am sorry in advance.
for the times where i'll just leave emotionally without explaining myself, which leads to me leaving physically and making you wonder. sometimes it just feels like every word i want to say will be wrong. so i say nothing until it all feels okay again.
for the times where i let the things you do that hurt me (whether it be a little or a lot) slide... and then bring them up when the damage has been done, half-expecting you to fix what cannot be fixed, and half-expecting you to not actually care. i know i should be upfront with well, just about everything, but it's hard for me.
for the times that i tell you that you don't care. what do i know? to you it may be obvious that you care about me, but unless you show it or tell me straight up, i will just go off assuming... i don't know why i do this, i just know i do. i am trying to get over this long bump.
for the times where i argue with my whole heart ... i am probably arguing more with myself than you. you just happened to get caught in between the argument between myself and i. damnit, miscommunication seems to be the story. of. my. life.
for the times where i don't message you all day or seem stand-offish when you message me. i've gone through guys who played so many petty ass games that my sense of communication is a little misguided. sometimes i feel like i might be bothering you or coming on too strong. or i'm just waiting to see if something you might say is relevant. or i just want to hear your voice but don't want to intrude, so i occupy myself with other bbm's & texts & phone calls in hopes that your name shows out of nowhere and a million butterflies wake up in my stomach.
for the times where i get caught up. especially if you are not as caught up in it as i am.
for the times where i might just disappear... waiting to see if you adore me enough to make me come back. now i don't mean, physically disappear but my heart just goes on off-mode for a minute. i know it isn't fair, or ideal, or even practical, but blame the rest of them before you. :/
i am sorry for these maybe petty, maybe major issues (i stopped telling the difference) and i hope that through all of this you just remember that i will learn to love every single thing about you. your laugh. your focused face. your voice when you think something's wrong. i also hope that you remember that this is only an occasional thing, just as i will be understanding to the fact that everyone has their shit days - you included. one last thing, if you feel like i'm just saying all of this just so you can excuse all my bullshit, that's not it at all. i'm saying this in hopes that you, or you, or maybe even you, will ask me to try, instead of just walking away.
three simple words.
will. you. try.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
things i would like to say to different people
1. oh whats good haterrrrrrrrrr
"i love all my feedback" - drake ;) i know you readin this, blood boilin & face all heated, always stalking my shit and looking for a reason to hate on me so that you feel like you're a somebody..
guess what, you still aint shit.
oh you mad?
2. i want it. you want it. so why not?
because it's the last thing we need.
have i changed your life? if i left tomorrow would it hurt like a bitch?
lemme know.
3. i adore you for being such a great friend.
4. you recover at the speed of a mutant. my best friends are all wack jobs, aliens, gooooooooofs.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
and every moment when i think of you my soul feels so brand new
six thousand miles away
one day we can finally say..
"we made it"
i wrote a letter on a folded paper airplane,
hoping it would find its way...
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
life is yo professa know that bitch is gon test ya
my friend said something like... "yeah it's not fair for the people who take an interest in me cause i end up just thinking that at some point they'll lose that interest. and they usually do"
SOMETHING like that.
regardless, it was on point.
SOMETHING like that.
regardless, it was on point.
but don't get any closer, if this will last a little longer..
i dunno if you even read my blog. but if you do i just thought i should tell you straight up.
im so confused.
CONFUSED i tell you. my mind & heart are wandering around aimlessly looking for something that seems sure. something that's grounded. something that doesn't expose any questions. not a single one.
what is this. all of this. how is it all so okay for you and such a daily confusion for me?
or at least... it seems okay for you... and because of that, it totally throws me off and every time i tell myself "i'm going to talk to him about it" i just fly off at tangents.
because you just ... seem SO... okay with it.
with not knowing. with not asking.
it drives me nuts.
i wish i knew.
im so confused.
CONFUSED i tell you. my mind & heart are wandering around aimlessly looking for something that seems sure. something that's grounded. something that doesn't expose any questions. not a single one.
what is this. all of this. how is it all so okay for you and such a daily confusion for me?
or at least... it seems okay for you... and because of that, it totally throws me off and every time i tell myself "i'm going to talk to him about it" i just fly off at tangents.
because you just ... seem SO... okay with it.
with not knowing. with not asking.
it drives me nuts.
i wish i knew.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
wish i could quit but i don't know where to start, maybe my heart
the other night.. my best friend got into a car accident.
actually, two of my best friends.
and i'm talking like all up in my pictures/robo.to/facebook/inbox/cellphoneinbox/LIFE-kinda-best-friends.
one is an emotional wreck. the other a physical one. the one who is physically a wreck, is like my backbone. my other third (3/alwaysbetterwhenwetogether-LL&MN&AS). every time i visit her in the hospital... i overload in tears. holding someones hand and missing them so much at the same time is THE WORST. FEELING. EVER.
ever.
the one who knows more about me than i do myself. wiped. put on hold. SURVIVING. every single thing i do puts her face in my head.
tonight she should have been beside me. she would have slept over and i would have had to re-watch all the "how i met your mother" episodes with her because she's slackin on that shit. i would have broke my no-eating-past-10pm rule. we would have sat on my roof for a brief moment. talked about him. and him. and probably Him. and then we would be going to church in about 8 hours.
but we aren't. and it hurts so bad, something so trivial. in fact, it hurts so bad that when people tell me their problems, i just get annoyed. frustrated. it's like are-you-fucking-kidding-me-kill-that-noise over and over.
and it's not fair, because pain is pain. a problem, no matter how simple or "petty," is still a problem.
BUT I HAVE A PROBLEM, TOO.
which is why right now, i care half less than normal about anyone elses. because i'm too busy coping with my own. it's making me realize i never deal with my shit and this time i can't just run away. it's got me feeling negative as fuck. and the worst part? it feels wrong being happy.
laughing without you, eating dragon eyes @ maki-maki, driving around, simple exchanges - ALL FEELS WRONG. WITHOUT YOU.
so all i can hope for is a fast recovery... thank God, it's a miracle that nothing is permanent. it'll just take time. i need this time. we all do.
love you funtime. trisha. yani. nig.
ariana sta. cruz.
-trang. dawg. maria.
actually, two of my best friends.
and i'm talking like all up in my pictures/robo.to/facebook/inbox/cellphoneinbox/LIFE-kinda-best-friends.
one is an emotional wreck. the other a physical one. the one who is physically a wreck, is like my backbone. my other third (3/alwaysbetterwhenwetogether-LL&MN&AS). every time i visit her in the hospital... i overload in tears. holding someones hand and missing them so much at the same time is THE WORST. FEELING. EVER.
ever.
the one who knows more about me than i do myself. wiped. put on hold. SURVIVING. every single thing i do puts her face in my head.
tonight she should have been beside me. she would have slept over and i would have had to re-watch all the "how i met your mother" episodes with her because she's slackin on that shit. i would have broke my no-eating-past-10pm rule. we would have sat on my roof for a brief moment. talked about him. and him. and probably Him. and then we would be going to church in about 8 hours.
but we aren't. and it hurts so bad, something so trivial. in fact, it hurts so bad that when people tell me their problems, i just get annoyed. frustrated. it's like are-you-fucking-kidding-me-kill-that-noise over and over.
and it's not fair, because pain is pain. a problem, no matter how simple or "petty," is still a problem.
BUT I HAVE A PROBLEM, TOO.
which is why right now, i care half less than normal about anyone elses. because i'm too busy coping with my own. it's making me realize i never deal with my shit and this time i can't just run away. it's got me feeling negative as fuck. and the worst part? it feels wrong being happy.
laughing without you, eating dragon eyes @ maki-maki, driving around, simple exchanges - ALL FEELS WRONG. WITHOUT YOU.
so all i can hope for is a fast recovery... thank God, it's a miracle that nothing is permanent. it'll just take time. i need this time. we all do.
love you funtime. trisha. yani. nig.
ariana sta. cruz.
-trang. dawg. maria.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
i wish you the best of luck, just not with me
Dear You,
i'm sitting here analyzing that letter left and right... breaking down as each sentence brings itself to a period. only to venture onto another sentence - another fragment of the right words for the wrongest feelings... every new paragraph explaining another way that i managed to hurt you.
what has been.
what could have been.
what i was to you
what has to be done.
what you are going to do.
and then the i love you.
and then the letter ends.
disconnect, move on, love, i'm so sorry, goodbye.
the phrases that stick out the most. the phrases that i practically choked on.
i wish i didn't hurt you. i wish i didn't just mute myself every time you showed me how you felt. i wish it didn't hurt me so much each time you said "i love you." but most of all, i wish that it didn't come so late. i wish that you walked in when i still loved you and wanted you the most. i wish you didn't wait until i realized that i couldn't wait forever.
i wish it didn't hurt so bad to say goodbye.
why this time? why does it suck so bad? i must have said good bye to you a million times already.
i guess it's because this time... you're saying good bye to me.. for me.
and i'm saying good bye to you... for you.
for the first time we are doing something that both of us needed, simultaneously, and ironically enough, it had to be the act of walking away.
i will never forget how much you loved me, or how much you love me. i will never forget the dizziness, the unexplainable, the irrational, and the unconditional love you showed through the years. i will never forget the good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly. i will never forget you. i know it for a fact. i meant it when i said you were one of the very few people i cared about so much... that when it hurt you, it hurt me even more.
i hope you find the love that i always wanted to give. i hope you let God guide you to that love. i hope you never take her for granted the way we took each other for granted, and i hope you realize how beautiful it is to have someone who loves you so, so much. i hope you find the girl that turns you into the man that you have every ounce of potential to be. i hope you never forget me, and i hope that one day we can be friends.
Sincerely,
Maria
i'm sitting here analyzing that letter left and right... breaking down as each sentence brings itself to a period. only to venture onto another sentence - another fragment of the right words for the wrongest feelings... every new paragraph explaining another way that i managed to hurt you.
what has been.
what could have been.
what i was to you
what has to be done.
what you are going to do.
and then the i love you.
and then the letter ends.
disconnect, move on, love, i'm so sorry, goodbye.
the phrases that stick out the most. the phrases that i practically choked on.
i wish i didn't hurt you. i wish i didn't just mute myself every time you showed me how you felt. i wish it didn't hurt me so much each time you said "i love you." but most of all, i wish that it didn't come so late. i wish that you walked in when i still loved you and wanted you the most. i wish you didn't wait until i realized that i couldn't wait forever.
i wish it didn't hurt so bad to say goodbye.
why this time? why does it suck so bad? i must have said good bye to you a million times already.
i guess it's because this time... you're saying good bye to me.. for me.
and i'm saying good bye to you... for you.
for the first time we are doing something that both of us needed, simultaneously, and ironically enough, it had to be the act of walking away.
i will never forget how much you loved me, or how much you love me. i will never forget the dizziness, the unexplainable, the irrational, and the unconditional love you showed through the years. i will never forget the good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly. i will never forget you. i know it for a fact. i meant it when i said you were one of the very few people i cared about so much... that when it hurt you, it hurt me even more.
i hope you find the love that i always wanted to give. i hope you let God guide you to that love. i hope you never take her for granted the way we took each other for granted, and i hope you realize how beautiful it is to have someone who loves you so, so much. i hope you find the girl that turns you into the man that you have every ounce of potential to be. i hope you never forget me, and i hope that one day we can be friends.
Sincerely,
Maria
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)