and i know it's not much of an excuse, but it's my excuse. some people smoke, some drink and some bite their nails. my vice is just not dealing with my occasionally set of "shitty" feelings. i know it doesn't sound like a lot to deal with, but because it's the only thing that really affects me, it terrifies me to bits to let anyone else in when i feel that way. i'm sorry in advance. you might think i'm mad at you, or upset with something you've done, and although that may be true - it's probably just petty shit and the reality of it is that i'm more pissed at myself.
so truly and deeply, i am sorry in advance.
for the times where i'll just leave emotionally without explaining myself, which leads to me leaving physically and making you wonder. sometimes it just feels like every word i want to say will be wrong. so i say nothing until it all feels okay again.
for the times where i let the things you do that hurt me (whether it be a little or a lot) slide... and then bring them up when the damage has been done, half-expecting you to fix what cannot be fixed, and half-expecting you to not actually care. i know i should be upfront with well, just about everything, but it's hard for me.
for the times that i tell you that you don't care. what do i know? to you it may be obvious that you care about me, but unless you show it or tell me straight up, i will just go off assuming... i don't know why i do this, i just know i do. i am trying to get over this long bump.
for the times where i argue with my whole heart ... i am probably arguing more with myself than you. you just happened to get caught in between the argument between myself and i. damnit, miscommunication seems to be the story. of. my. life.
for the times where i don't message you all day or seem stand-offish when you message me. i've gone through guys who played so many petty ass games that my sense of communication is a little misguided. sometimes i feel like i might be bothering you or coming on too strong. or i'm just waiting to see if something you might say is relevant. or i just want to hear your voice but don't want to intrude, so i occupy myself with other bbm's & texts & phone calls in hopes that your name shows out of nowhere and a million butterflies wake up in my stomach.
for the times where i get caught up. especially if you are not as caught up in it as i am.
for the times where i might just disappear... waiting to see if you adore me enough to make me come back. now i don't mean, physically disappear but my heart just goes on off-mode for a minute. i know it isn't fair, or ideal, or even practical, but blame the rest of them before you. :/
i am sorry for these maybe petty, maybe major issues (i stopped telling the difference) and i hope that through all of this you just remember that i will learn to love every single thing about you. your laugh. your focused face. your voice when you think something's wrong. i also hope that you remember that this is only an occasional thing, just as i will be understanding to the fact that everyone has their shit days - you included. one last thing, if you feel like i'm just saying all of this just so you can excuse all my bullshit, that's not it at all. i'm saying this in hopes that you, or you, or maybe even you, will ask me to try, instead of just walking away.
three simple words.
will. you. try.
