i focus on the future cause that's the only place i wanna be

why would you stay somewhere that you hate when you yourself have ALL the potential/power to change that?

you wouldn't. if you knew better.

san diego, i'm coming home. see ya soon :)

just a girl

I don't consider myself a girly girl.... but, I don't consider myself a nitty-gritty, wannabe tomboy hood-special either.

I don't like to get my nails done, or do my nails, but I feel better when they look nice (on the rare occasion).

I don't get along better with guys, or girls, I mostly just get along with whoever isn't pissing me off at that moment. Dick or pussy. Doesn't really matter.

I don't pride myself on listening to hip hop or rap or expect you to differentiate me based purely on the music I listen to - because well, I really like justin bieber. Usher. Motown. Every sad & once-relatable slow jam imaginable. As much as I enjoy getting my head-banger on, I ain't ashamed to say there's times I let myself cry over Babyface for absolutely no reason... just because. Don't get me wrong, I love hip hop, rap, all of that, but it isn't the root of me. I love all music.

I don't care to longboard, play video games, drive "boy-ish" cars. Those are all fun things, don't get me wrong. But I have poor coordination. I'm over-competitive, and I'm actually much better as support than opponent... and I'm happy with my little corolla. It's tiny like me, gets me where I need to go, costs $35 bucks to fill up... but it doesn't make loud noises or make guys want to race me. Who gives a shit?

I put lipstick on and take it off cause I get hungry. And cause I feel silly, usually. My hair kind of does itself... I gave up on it already. I follow a simple makeup routine every day and only switch it up when I have time or the desire to do so. I don't care to impress many boys, other than my own. Actually, I could give a fuck. I mean, there's times I give a fuck. But in all honesty there's a small amount of people in the world that I clean up for. Tiny. Micro.

But just because I'm not overly girly or boyish doesn't mean I'm not a regular girl underneath whatever all this is. I'm not "hard" and black hearted. As far as my "independence" goes, ie. paying bills and supporting myself, I do it. I don't care to, I just have to. I don't want to, I just do. Sometimes I complain, sometimes I'm humbled, but mostly, I'm just stressed. Emotionally, I really don't think I'm that independent. I'm still sensitive. Still need love. Still need to feel special. Still need someone to go out of their way to prove they're crazy about me. Still will tell you, "I'll wait, but I fucking hate waiting." Still won't settle for less after having next to nothing. I don't expect much of myself, which really, has resulted in me expecting less of others, but that doesn't mean I don't want to be that girl.

You know. The one that feels good about herself. The special one.

It's hard to tell someone "you hurt me," or "you're hurting me" emotionally. It's hard to fall in love with a person and bask in all the greatness of love and then break even and just spew out fire... but it's worth it. It's worth it to tell the person, "I love you, but that makes me feel like shit." Why? Because. It just goes to show... you can never really love a person without hurting them. To love someone is to peel back their layers, expose their scars, resurface their pain, test them, stress them out, burn them... just so that you can prove that you can do just the opposite: heal them, support them, show them their true colours and make them feel ALIVE, and be there to swim like fucking crazy when they start to drown. Pull them out of the water. Then, push them back in and force them to take risks and be there when they can risk no more. Balance them. Heat the fuck out of them, and then be there to walk through the fire together. No matter how much it burns, if you come out of it alive, together, with burns and scars, your skin will only toughen and you can only take each other for granted less and less.

This love... that's what it's about. I'll always fight for it.

dancin alone cause she extra fly

but i got a good look so i catch ya eye

gave the rest a try now give the best a try

leave ya nest to fly ill make you testify

all of this is new to me and this ain't what i'm used to seein, cause i never been i love before...