BRAAAAPPP!!

cause i got more shots to pop ya, big poppa

still me til it kill me, i love it when they fear me.. holla if ya hear me

I'm an official G.

Official Graduate. check it out :)




what an epic weekend. seriously. i will blog about it another time, those pics took a load off of my blogging energy! enjoy!


ps. i love this pic. wish i could do it ALL OVER.

the emotion that wears thin

Anger. It gets you absolutely nowhere and everywhere in sight. It leads to no good destination but leaves you to fall in every bad pool flawlessly. It is both your strongest, and weakest emotion. Strong that it hurts others, mentally, emotionally, physically, often spreading its own venom. Weak that it leaves you empty and creates voids bigger than your soul's space is able to compensate.

It is the emotion that wears you thin, yet it is the heaviest. The one that makes you sleep less. Think more. Claim to care less yet invest more of your time into blindly giving a shit. It is the emotion that BLINDS. Blinds people into thinking they are right - or even worse, makes people beat themselves up when they think they are wrong. The emotion that builds, creates, dispenses, and with one hand, destroys. Destroys relationships. Destroys friendships. Destroys people.

It begins deep inside and sometimes crawls out slowly. It begins deep inside and sometimes bursts forth with no warning, yet irrepressible. Yet when you are trying to stay mad for all the wrong reasons, the anger seems to fade, and you are left with the remnants of its children; guilt, confusion, despair. Sometimes, if you're lucky, it leaves you with hope - hope that anger is just a small bump. That anger will not overcome. That anger will not be the difference, and instead the fuel to a better tomorrow.

I swear I'm right, cause right now, being angry ain't my thing. I can't keep angry. I don't do angry. I don't want you angry. I just want angry to pack its shit and leave me the hell alone.

Anger. The emotion that I wish made sense before, during, and after. The emotion that I wish I could figure out to its core. The emotion I wish would just stay away from us, yet it keeps coming in between us, begging us to fail. The emotion that has worn me out thin - but I don't want to wear thin. I want to bare strong. I want to grimace and live through it and survive, to simply enjoy your presence.

Except when I'm angry. That's a different story.

not doin too hot

for some reason, when i look for movies i want to watch online, i can't find them.

but when you look for movies that i want to watch online, you ALWAYS find them.

so now i'm sitting here. not a clue what you're up to, but all i know is:
you're mad, and i'm mad. or i'm trying to be.
all this space in the middle with both of our hearts trying to close it. time after time, unsuccessful. yet our hard heads are simultaneously pouring concrete on this space, and throwing weapons of heartbreak warfare, so it maintains its perimeters, overwhelming the both of us (or maybe just me) like an ocean.

that bad. for real.
the reason why i am able to speak to my blog easier than i can to you is beyond me. i wish i wasn't so damn stubborn and sensitive when it comes to you.

this. and this. maybe that's why.

i just want to watch this damn movie.

to always grow.

you know when you feel like things are well, good, but could be a lot better?
and then you just sit around waiting for it to happen? for something to magically spring up and make candy rain from the sky? (or for those who don't like candy... ok, chocolate)
well i'm sick of that. so i'm going to make a list to ensure positive and SUSTAINABLE growth.

1. listen to my surroundings and try to find small, intricate details that make life beautiful.

2. embrace the sunshine and never complain when it rains - actually, to be honest, there's something that i like about the gloomy greyness AND the fresh-scent of being outside on those rainy days. yeah.

3. take the word "hate" out of my vocabulary. the older i get the more i realize how bad a situation must be to actually use that word and mean it. it's not pretty.

4. find something odd or a quality that i like about myself from time to time that i know nobody else embodies.

5. always hug when saying goodbye. or at least give props. hahaha

6. smile back at a guy when he smiles at me... or better yet, initiate the smile war :) better yet - smile at EVERRRRYYYONE

7. try to not swear in public. you never know who's listening!?

8. try to remember how blessed i am every day to be able to feel bloated, sweat in too many layers, have to say sorry for double-booking (sometimes more) my time, and give advice to others about my past heart aches. this only means that there is food to eat, clothes to wear, people to spend time with, and love that i've had and lost, yet people who remain that care about me and what i have to say enough to want to get in touch with my past/present. also, to thank God for my overcompensating optimism for my past perils - hope is a beautiful tool to have.

9. always say thank you. always.

so here i go

i'm perfectly distracted by you

i'm always on this fabulous woman's nuts - not that she has any for real but you know what i mean. GAH. so much talent it hurts.

just wright for me

i have about 3 drafts written up and no juice to get em finished. so maybe another day, after a satisfying long weekend - obstacle course & barbecue (my first love), hip hop in the park (hip hop, the park, lots of black filipinos and real black guys, preach), and seeing THIS movie another time sunday night because i can't wait to see my friends' reactions. DAMN.

if you have time. see that movie. common walking into the door with his hood up is the sexiest thing i have seen all year... trust i was DROOLIN and my best friend was wiping my face the entire time. everyone in this movie is so DAMN beautiful!

basketball AND eye candy!? the plot is predictable but if you're a dog like me (ill admit) the eye candy is WORTH IT aodajdfosadjfadogbasd.



common.. come close to me baaabyyyyyyyyyyy - i never used to be able to listen to this song cause the beat was so, well not blah, but not bam. so thank God for this. this is so smoooooth.

and it ain't no need to cry, i took a vow that from now on imma be my own best friend

anyone who's known me long enough to say they know me knows damn well - i can and always do take care of myself.

independence. it has been, at most times, my strength, persevering in my favor.

but sometimes - it doesn't. there are times where independence is ultimately my down fall.

and i don't think that's a bad thing, it being a down fall. it's just proof that, as much as your hustle should be all about you doin' you or being able to level out with every line to "she got her own," sometimes life hits you just hard enough so you can wake up and appreciate the amazing people around you. your mom nagging you daily because she's concerned about your well being - your best friend texting you with reassurance of her support in case you ever decide to let your walls down and actually talk to her about it - even your boyfriend... just simply trying to be a good boyfriend and gaining both intimacy and progression in your relationship by trying to aide a part of you that you, and your independence, refuse to show.

but it being my downfall really just means i'm being stubborn. yet some people seem to get it confused with me using my independence to mask some sort of indiscrepancy that i have with myself, that i am unhappy with my state of independence.

wrong. hella, triple time, most definitely WRONG.

i am comfortable with being alone. 100% comfortable. in fact, i prefer it more times than not. i am more uncomfortable when i feel myself in the presence of another, as if i am restricted in a way. therefor, my downfall goes hand in hand with me often being guarded. guarded does not entail me being crazy and keepin' checks on everything someone does, but simply, it has everything to do with me. what i allow myself to give (or really, not give) to another person. which part of my mentality i'm willing to risk and "expose." but that insecurity stuff, and me being guarded, does not go hand in hand.

so let me re-iterate, so that whoever is reading this can understand it more clearly.

i am comfortable with being alone. i prefer it. i LIKE it, it's pleasant to me.
so don't assume that you can walk in and ruin that.

2-0 in Orlando's house. that IS boston. i smell victory.

it shines from ya beautiful skin

you sparks my interest/no ma'am i dont know ya/just offerin the common respect i feel i owe ya/also, some conversation, companionship/common ground & common sense

one of THOSE.

you know when you've had such a shitty day and no matter how many good things you've done, by 10 pm you're just like....

i. feel. like. shit.

feels like the world has not moved one bit. feels like everyone important in your life is off doing important things while you're at home doing laundry and packing. feels like nothing good is going to happen. nothing at all. so then you settle for it and promise yourself that tomorrow will be a good day.

and then one little thing happens. it's like someone held out on you for hours or forgot about you since the moment you woke up and BAM.
it happens.
the one good thing, that actually feels good, finally happens.

all that shitty including the bug going into your eye during your bike ride, buying the hot dogs but not the buns, that one guy who is a total douchebag (and it took you forever to realize it), the sun not coming out long enough for you to *attempt* to tan, almost having a heart attack because Orlando came so close to stealing game 1 from Boston, means absolutely nothing.

because of that one small thing, that small phrase, posted on a blog of a person who you don't even know and will probably never meet, seems to override all the negative and put you back into the place you should be. feeling like an all deserving, beautiful young woman with so much to offer.

"It's gonna hurt when it heals too."
- Abi

thank God for that.

ps. RIP & Happy Birthday Grandpa <3 I love you, and I miss you every day.

Not a Single Trace

i find it so mind-blowing how even the most insignificant, clean, and least painful break-ups make you feel like you need to or already have changed the outcome of your life.

okay not your life. maybe like the next couple months.
i don't know how it is for everyone else, but when i date someone, a lot of things happen. lots of plans and ideas are born based on the assumption that we will still be together by that time to do said things.

and then you break up.
and then it doesn't really hurt, cause you weren't really happy.
and then you go on with your life.

but then you are reminded by little things just weeks or even months later - TV commercials, movie releases, some inanimate object, or even just overhearing someone else tell a story of something that shouldawouldacoulda been your story.

skydiving. that new Indian bistro. that movie you still haven't seen. marriage.

maybe you were gonna skydive to overcome his fear of heights. or you were going to try indian food because she's never tried it. or he always watched movies. or , potentially the worst of all (marriage) - she was the one. now you don't care what he's scared of, could give a motha less what she eats, already made plans to see that movie with someone else, or she ended up straight playing your ass for a fool, goodbye engagement ring.

and really the emotions attained from reminiscing on the could-have's are on a wide spectrum. you may feel taken aback, sad, humbled, relieved that he never came through or grateful that you got rid of her crazy ass - or you might just not even give it a second thought and continue your train thought elsewhere.

but maybe, just maybe for a second you think "him and i were supposed to do this and that..." and put that plan away in your heart and vow silently to never let anyone take that from the bond you two shared.

or maybe he just didn't leave a single trace of sovereignty in your heart, your life, anywhere important.

and now you can't wait to execute those masterminded plans with someone who is actually worth it.

aftergrad

aftergrad aftergrad aftergrad. the night we wish we could remember.
i'm saving my rare state of inebriation for the day/night of may 29th.
and after grad? bye bye hair.



adios to the left side of my head, with a more-subtle-than-the-picture chop. considering my hair is so fine & straight, the growing out process will be a breeeeeeeze. hopefully (and probably) it grows out after 6-8 months.. the less hair i have for summer, the better.

lebron james you are still super amazing to me. mo williams god damn. but boston came thru for what was supposed to be the cavs' series... that's okay, love love love <3 see you sunday eastern conference finals! what uuupppp orlando!

speculation

LeBron to the Chicago Bulls.

what a trip. right? all i can say is there will be many heartbroken Cleveland Cavalier fans if this is the case for 2010-2011 & the cavs will never be the same to say the least. james alongside drool-worthy derrick rose? that "doesn't make the bulls automatic champs," but it'll definitely be a shit show. the supporting cast james would have? wow. can't wait to see what happens. game 6 tomorrow against boston!!! it's currently 8:26 pm which means that it's less than 24 hours away which means i can barely contain myself. holy. shit.



ahhhh so hot so hot soooo hot.

besides that though, today is one of those days.
not one of those shitty days, or off days, or messed up days. but one of those beautiful days. where everything turns out so beautifully, and you notice every little detail that contributes to the serendipity which you call your life.

little details like...
- getting the shoes for the event you've been waiting on since you could comprehend its magnitude (graduation) at a discounted price
- having one of your best friends come home from a trip to vegas and feeling like everything makes sense again (hahahah)
- having people tell you that you are glowing... yeaaaa that's like crack for me. foreal :)
- trying on different lipstick shades with your mom at MAC makeup only to find that you hope to grow and age even half as beautifully as she has, if you're lucky; mom, you are the most gorgeous woman alive :)
- coming to appreciate and acknowledge gratefully those people who text you daily; especially the ones who text you every day to tell you how pretty/cute/amazing you are. jl/ey/jn/jf madinsanelove what would i do without you?
- playing volleyball and getting bruises all over your forearms due to a volleyball that is wayyy too hard, but doing it anyway because you get to spend time with your girls in beautiful weather and get an unlimited, guaranteed supply of shits and giggles.
- looking outside to a beautiful sunset to realize that everything in your life is exactly the way it should be, with the people that should be in it, doing the things that you should be doing.

to say that i am blessed, is an understatement. if there is a word for some sort of slice-of-ultimate-divinity in my life, let me know, so i don't have to keep saying sliceofultimatedivinity cause it's a lot to type out haha. thank you to everyone who does their part to keep me sane and glowing, and the ones who did their share of shit so i know to never take the good ones for granted. most of all, i am ever in debt to those who have taught me that relying on myself has got me where i wanted to be - not many people can say that they are standing in a spot that they are content with, but i do :) maybe it's the sun... or all the shit that's in store. whatever it is - i'm on cloud nine, and for once, i can rely on it to come through, because it's all me.

miss independent

This ain’t Pandora, but I SEE YOU. We see you. But we won’t be seeing you for long. And we ain’t mad either. We just want you to know that WE KNOW. Don’t worry, your secrets safe with us. Just remember that when we wink at you and then chuckle afterwards, it’s not because we’re flirting – it’s because we’re laughing inside but still think you’re cute and don’t want you so far outta our lives that we can’t check you out anymore.

- Abi (via girlsarethenewboys)

dealing with players left and right gets tiring. but so does faking contentment with unsatisfying relationships. i'm going back to basics and working on myself, not giving a damn or a minute of my time to anyone who isn't worth it... because i'm that good. but until then, for you foul dudes? you cute and all, but i only look at your face for a second. if you can't match my pace mentally, adios. i see you. but not for long.

good thing there's always men i can depend on in the NBA, though! hahaha. celtics killed it, i feel terrible for lbj. worst playoff loss in the history of the cavs ever? 2nd lowest shooting game ever for lebron? damn. that's the thing about watching two of your favorite teams play each other in a playoff series... it always ends up bittersweet. always. i'm already nervous for game 6 on thursday.

and to end it off, one of those songs that will calm me down and humble me forever. for. EVER.

back on this stuff

i was on tumblr for a minute but i kept this blog. deleted most of the posts and kept a few. what can i say? i'm a sucker for real blogging sites.

most of the blogs that i read often that entail any substance or material worth reading, are on blogspot or wordpress anyway... hopefully being back on this will stimulate some sort of inspiration to write something meaningful. probably not.

i am basically just pouting about how it's playoff time in the NBA, and there is not some cute boy sitting beside me on a couch to watch and call "cash" or "money" with. or to bother about how good-looking some (most) of the players are. or to simply just bicker about the game in front of us. pouting. real. bad. i'll get over it tho, i don't pout for long haha. playoffs got me all crazy, straight up. i will literally avoid making plans or make plans around the games so i can watch them in peace. there is nothing worse than watching a game with someone who knows nothing about anything and asks a bunch of questions. east baby.

graduation in less than three weeks. there is so much to do. shoes, clutch, jewelery, god damn. i was going to tan... and then i decided against it, i will just return to my ever pale state soon afterwards anyway. no use in wasting all those tanning minutes. oriental. for. life. fail

summer! i just want summer... this snow and sun and back to snow is teasing me sooo bad. i just wanna get my summer on. bathing suits and hats and all oiled up, keepin it real. that would be tight if summer just STAYED.