i'd be lying if i said that at this very moment, i know exactly what i want.
do i want you? or him? or any of this? or do i want myself more than anything.
OF COURSE i want myself. i want to feel sane at the least.
the one thing that has been running through my mind for what seems like a hundred years is this:
in the end it was clear we wanted the same thing, but one of us wanted it way more.
he wanted me, but i wanted me too.
in fact, i wanted me way more. and i was being selfish at that time.
that's why i had to leave.
but what about that late night drive where i told you everything?
or that phonecall that made me forget all my original intentions?
or that second hug where i felt my feet float off the ground a little bit because of the way you smell?
or the fact that we speak every. single. DAY. -- ?!
do i want that? do i want ANYONE?! fuck if i know.
or do i just want what i've learned to deal with in the past few months. consistency. solidarity. familiarty.
myself.
all this alone-ness.
last night i was all positive that i didn't want anything serious. not even close.
i just wanted to work and save and sleep and exercise and kick it with my homies.
... all whilst avoiding the advances of anyone.
oh you wanna know how it's goin?
let's just say i failed at that basically.
damn i wish my brain had an off button.
but i guess that's why sometimes life throws a bunch of messed up options at you.
and why life is all like yo what up i'm bout to make you feel lost than a motherfucker.
so that you get off your ass and go out there and find out what you want,
or even better, let what you want, find you.
(find me. PLEASE.)
