i love you.

simple as that.

and that simplicity will always be enough.

caution: handle with care

in these past few weeks that i have been "super vacation-ing" with my boyfriend in the states, a lot of different things have crossed my mind. i feel like what little time i have to think to myself, my thoughts have become intensified by what seems like millions... and with that i can finally find the point of interest to write something.

when you commit yourself to a relationship, you are inviting the most delicate, fragile thing ever created between two people. you are not just dedicating yourself to a person, you are creating a thing that is almost sacred because it is exclusive between you and yours only.... and that is scary. i truly believe some people have no idea what they not only commit to, but create in the process, and try to throw away these relationships.

this beautiful thing you created, made up of words you said, tiny exchanges that no one else will ever feel or provide in the same way, songs that defined moments, moments that defined you, moments that defined them, and moments that re-created the both of you without either one of you even knowing it. this precious thing, is made up of time, hours compensated for thinking rather than sleeping, tears, fights. incredible instances where you feel like you fall in love all over again with this person who you feel like you've always loved. the spot on your collarbone that he kisses contributes to this thing, and the way you touch the back of his neck does too.

all these million little things that make up one huge thing, and some people (guilty, used to do this) just act like real love is disposable and people you fall in love with are easily replaceable. like it's just the person that is the issue, not all the million things that happened when you were with them.

there's a difference between loving someone and being with them. you can love them recklessly, but you can't be with them recklessly.

take everything one day at a time.

cheatin'

if you give your all to someone, you worry that you may smother them.
likewise, if you don't give enough... you worry they may call you guarded.
so where is the balance? where do the two meet?
when is it considered "enough," the effort that you choose to put in?

i think some people put emphasis on the wrong areas when they're with somebody. who do you have more duty to - him or yourself? who's been treating you better? who's gonna love you no matter what? who's been there since day 1?

i also think these are questions we refuse to ask ourselves, but answers to those questions are reasons we use to excuse our behaviour when we're with someone. it's not necessarily always the person we're with that makes us act in a certain way... it's just... the other person. the one we've always been with. ourselves. we're more likely to accommodate the relationship that has always taken precedence - the one we have with ourselves. i know a lot of people who fail to maintain a healthy relationship with themselves, resulting in the cray cray and insecurities - but i also know a lot of people who are too scared to cheat themselves out of their neat little "party for one." they treat themselves too good and basically cheat their spouse out of love they may or may not deserve.

regardless, i know everyone needs to feel good about themselves to feel good with someone else. i know that you need to love yourself so someone else can love you, too. but i also know that if you only ever focus on the love you give to yourself, you'll never reach a level to be loved by someone else. i think being in a relationship entails changing, adjusting, growing... for the better. relationships are about dynamics and if one person is always staying in one spot, how far can you go?

when you fall in love with someone, part of you changes... so you need to tweak another part, so that someone can love you. you may worried about playing yourself out, but you might be doing the exact thing (and perhaps worse) by not letting someone else love you.

A Friend in Need is Japan Indeed

directing this fundraiser with a couple other post-sec students! come out and support, only $15 at the door plus a bachelor raffle with a bunch of studs. and SUPPORT LOCAL TALENT! hooolllaaaa

crumbling cookie.

i just read "The Process: Until I Get Back on My Feet" and i can honestly say no body of words has ever rung truer to the depths, outlines, and proceedings of my life.

sure, i'm only 18 but if i keep stressing out as if i'm 42 i will probably just wake up at 36, pass out, and stop working (at the least i will lose every sense of normalcy... i would bet on this). so with that said that is my reasoning for my current "mid-life crisis" feeling (18+18=36 for those of you who suck at mind math).

nothing confirmed my ties to this post more than this following sentence:

I’m tired of going to bed each night knowing it won’t be my alarm waking me up, but rather my anxiety, so tonight I’m attempting to go to bed without that feeling by writing out the truth about how I feel.

holy SHIT. like when is the last time i slept without waking up more than twice? when is the last time my alarm woke me up? when's the last time i didn't wake up before my alarm, loathing my insides for not just making me lose sleep the night before, but also taking away whatever sleep i could have now? i can't even fall back to sleep for two f@#$ing hours?

if i could, i would buy sleep. i would lease it, finance it, anything, anything to JUST be able to sleep NORMALLY. you know, fall asleep at anytime and actually stay asleep in the time given? you know, what normal de-stressed people are able to do? you know, not wake up in the middle of the night freaking out about something? i either wake up with my heart pounding or my eyes crying.

you know what? i'm just so... SICK OF IT. sick of feeling like a mess. sick of letting the things i try to do consume me. sick of losing control. sick of literally feeling sick to my stomach when i glance at my life and have to face all the imbalance... where does it end? or better yet, where does it begin? i can't trace anything. i can't pinpoint anything. here i am, the girl who claims to be all about the more intricate details to my life rather than being a product of the broad&general... and now i'm just. GENERALLY STRESSED. just stressed, overall - and i am so mentally, physically, emotionally sick of it.

i don't want to cry over nothing. petty things. i want my balls back, you know, the ones that made me tough? strong? "oh but you're one of the strongest girls i know, and you're doing such good things" really? cause when i do something i just feel WEAK. defeated. anything i take on, i feel like it has already beat me.

please God, give me the strength to just... allow myself to have strength. it's all i ask.

breaking

was so excited to get last week over and done with and woke up this morning feeling cold, hot, sweaty, empty, dry, hungry, nauseous, everything terrible. buenos dias lunes.

and then i realized that finals are in less than a month

and i need to apply for fall

and i really hate school

and people should be more proactive at replying to their emails 

and i'm just so exhausted. mentally. emotionally. physically. my soul is like "time out bro" and so...

but it's fine. i'll keep praying. this too, shall pass.

/bitter

please stop. i'm begging you.

please stop acting like i belong to him. i don't.
please stop acting like i'm going to let him have a single say in the way i run my life - it's not going to happen.

and yes you have done the most AMAZING job at raising me. but please, believe me when i tell you this. the farther you push me away the quicker your results will come, and then what will you do? i don't want to hurt you but.... you make it so hard.

you make it so hard for me when you yell without cause. when you let your emotions get the best of you and when you act like i'm not doing anything to deserve this.... like i don't deserve to make my own decisions or like i haven't made rational ones, or like i haven't made it to the exact place i said i'd be - and all of this on my own.

please, please stop making it out like i owe you the rest of my decisions. i don't. i'm not that old, but i fully believe i'm not that young either. i believe i deserve different treatment - i believe i've done enough to be trusted and you're being completely irrational and unfair to me.

have i not worked my ass off to this point? don't answer that, cause by MYSELF, i know i have. don't act like just cause he's your man and wasn't there for the first sixteen years of my life that he deserves my consideration. don't act like just cause he makes you happy, that automatically gives him entitlement to have say over what i do.

IT DOESN'T. IT NEVER WILL.

so please just stop. stop acting like i don't deserve time to myself. don't act like i haven't suffered enough of your shit my entire life, don't act like i don't have a single reason for wanting to leave this place even for a few weeks. you may just be extra worried or whatever BUT JUST STOP. because i haven't given you a reason to worry, and when you worry about me when i'm not at fault it just makes me feel like you're blaming me for things i've never done and refusing to trust me over pain i've never caused.

let me do me. the sooner you deal with it, the easier it'll be for the both of us. i'm not going to stay here and listen to you bitch at me forever while staying quiet... so stop. or better yet, don't stop, it'll feel that much better when i'm gone.

200 postsss!!

but seriously.

untitled pt.3: brand new old love

and do you remember that one time when i kissed you everywhere? in my head it feels like it was maybe thirty seconds but in reality, it was probably eight or nine or ten or maybe even more minutes.

and in that time i felt like i was trying to beat something. not time. not bad thoughts. i wasn't racing... i was just trying to win against the grain.

what grain though?

and as good as it felt to love someone so tenderly, i couldn't help but feel a slight undertone of sadness. trying to figure out why i couldn't just deal with my past when i WASN'T busy trying to make someone feel that way was bruising my insides.

so i muted my soul and continued kissing hoping that when i was done, my souls voice would be different. with clearer words and louder intentions. i wished so hard each time my lips parted that when this was over, when i had tuned back into reality, that i could emotionally be with you.

even though i was with you, in those few moments i wasn't really with you.

i was being selfish. i was making you a part of me. you wouldn't even know it. i wouldn't expect you to. i was opening old wounds. i was remembering all the times where i had laughed at the thought of catering to anyone but myself.

the grain was me.... i was trying to win against myself. i was trying to beat the old me. and when i surfaced, coming back to you in every single way imaginable, i had won. i beat the old me out of the water. i was new.

your fingertips, your chin with its light scruff, your chest, your arms.... my lips.

it was like buying the most amazing dress and returning it years later - with rips everywhere, and dirt all over it and some tears from those long nights of it being completely worn out. it was like the anticipated disappointment, the knot in your stomach from expecting the girl at the counter to laugh in your face (is she seriously trying to pull this right now?)... but instead the universe goes easy on you, and she helps you find a completely new dress and you know that this time... you have to take care of it. you have to treat it like the best thing anyone has ever given you. you have to be kind whenever you're in it and show it off and say nothing but good things about where you got it from and what it was made out of.

that new dress, is like my second chance.

pac div

"at first, i'd rather be ya nigga, time goes fast and our vows move quicker, couldn't wait a while kinda crazy how i grew witcha"

and

"you turn me on in ways that i can't even explain girl you shittin on the game, you gon make a nigga change, put me in my right mind, had me put the henny down now i'm on my white wine, kick it in the day time, sex in the night time, every day i pray we stay connected like a life-line"

what price do you pay

"love doesn't pay the bills."
ok.
you know what else doesn't pay the bills?
starving yourself off from intangible rewards like love
falling into depression
not being able to get out of bed
losing your sense of personal hygiene
quitting your job
because you let another one go again
because love doesn't do anything for you.... right?

okayyyy
and who says love doesn't pay the bills?
love will lend you a hand if you ask of it
love will pay for your cellphone bill so he can talk to you
love will let you stay at his place when even YOU can't afford to pay the bills

you know what else love does?
love tells you you're pretty when you wake up in the morning looking like a 0.2
love puts you to sleep at night with a smile on your face
love has your back when you have no money, no job, too many bills
love asks only of you to stay present and let the moment take care of you
love takes care of you
love gives you depth


who gives a fuck about bills.
"at the top is where i'm most lonely, had to act phony lost my one and only homie"
i used to think that way too. believe me. i thought love was just a joke.
stress. fights. blech's. blah's.
until i fell in love for real... and love will take care of the things that paying bills will never take care of.

sure you need heat
water
food
internet
but when you feel unloved
it doesn't matter.
cause at the end of the day when your bills are paid up, you're still lonely.
and part of you is dead.

i'd rather feel alive and be barely living, than be living and feel barely alive.

settle for whatever long as i can get with you

c. sheen

"because i was people pleasing for too long, and when you're people pleasing, your soul is dead. cause at the end of the day you're left with yourself and you think, 'God, i didn't take care of myself. AGAIN.'"

to be continued

one thing i learned this week that may be obvious to everyone but myself is the following:

being happy does not mean always being happy. it means being able to accept that bad things happen, and not every feeling inside you is a good one. being happy means that, after adversity and pain and heart ache, in the scheme of things, you can still appreciate the *amazing* that is in your life while also being able to deal with (and not just push away) the bad.

i've always been that kind of person - if something bad happened, i'd just push it away. i'd deal with it in the dark... which is funny because i was always so focused on staying in the light so when did i ever really deal with my shit? never. so focused on trying to be happy that i forgot that everyone has their demons and if you suffocate them, they come back ten fold.

so now in the next little while.... i'll just... DEAL. deal with you leaving and possibly never coming back. i'll deal with it by engaging myself and loving the person who left and will sure enough be coming back. the person who is physically gone but always with me, around me... being in love is an incredible thing. you feel it in all emotions. you develop a hunger for all that comes out of being in love and at the same time you realize that each moment is fulfilling... it's always just this constant cycle of emotions. it really does feel so good when it's real.

to all the people i can depend on and see the potential in me to live my life out in incredible lengths and measures (regardless of your absence), i love you SO much. my back bone. so many people are focused on being able to be happy on their own but where's the fun in that? i can honestly say i have a handful of people that i will never forget because they love me more than i knew i was capable of being loved.

and to God, expect me to pray to you like 40 times a day... or at least holla at you on the regular. i have so much to thank you for and so many people to pray to you about... even if you aren't in my life as i had hoped, i just hope you're safe.

if i could find an inexpensive way to get my green card so i could go to SDSU/work in california I'D FUCKING DO IT IN A HEART BEAT. holy shit.

get me out of canada.

save myself

Burst through your door. Strip down. Put on his t-shirt. Stare at your phone for a second. Jump into bed. Wrap his blanket around you as if you're about to die.

Cry.

What the fuck, did someone die or what? No? Quit acting like it.

But you can't really help it. You spent so much time in this bed with him that you forgot what it was like to be in it alone. Was it always this cold? Cry again. Stare. At nothing. Stare at the floor. Stare at your dresser. Stare at your closet. Stare. At nothing.

Now stop. Save yourself.
I know it hurts. I know it hurts everywhere. I know the thought that every step you take in your room, he took a step there too. Or his shirt was there. Or his hoodie. I know, his empty boxes of vans are sitting near your door and I also know the bottle of Rose is staring back at you but YOU NEED TO STOP.

Because it's not over. In fact, look at it this way... it's just beginning. That time you spent together is just a preview of what's going to come. You guys are so magical together, you've heard it a million times from others so just remember that. These things take time. You just need to be patient. Train yourself. Listen to yourself. Be patient with yourself. Be gentle. Remember why it hurts so much to begin with.

It hurts because the love you share is that good. Don't forget that. Don't lose yourself over love when you should just... love yourself, over love. It's really that simple.

Be happy. He's alive. You're alive. He loves you. You love him. Be happy to be so in love that it hurts.

Love hurts sometimes when you do it right... - so save some room for him in your heart. Have your little cry session, empty out, and let him back in. Cause when you do... it'll feel so good. [Insert number of days] without love makes one weak but be real with yourself, you have more love than a lot of people can understand. You have someone who loves you no matter how far away they are.

That's beautiful. You should really keep reminding yourself that.

Love,
me.

P.S. just start counting the days again. Be excited. It's a good look on you.

untitled pt.2

i'm laying here.
you're laying there.
next to me, and you are as close as one could get, but the thought that you'll be on your way soon makes you feel so... far.


bittersweet. that's how it feels.
sweet that i could be so blessed to feel this happy again...
bitter that i'm re-introduced to the feeling of how afraid i am to lose it.

but i don't say anything. i let your hands rush over me like fire and calm me like the rain at four in the morning.

i love you. it makes me cry, it makes me smile.

one thing that i know is baby you were made for meee

i love you :) thank you baby

*been busy. that's all i can say really. :x

it's kind of like.
we've always been together.

when you're here, it's hard to believe that someone who fits so perfectly into my life is the farthest thing from it.
the way i nestle into your shoulder and how well i sleep each night. it's painful to have to be reminded constantly that this kind of happiness can only be taken in doses.

you're right, though... kinda crazy how this works for us huh?
i love you though. and everything you do. whether it's grabbing me a glass of water or grabbing my best friend's ipod that she forgot to take in the restaurant.

everything just seems to work. our simplicity, and at times our complexity. the small things, the big things.

they all just... work. nothing makes more sense than you.