“You can’t put a time on love are you stupid? I fell in it, got the bruises from cupid to prove it. I thought I been through it, chopped up, at one point I said screw it. Took bites so big my mouth couldn’t chew it. You got pride? I could teach you how to lose it. You lost your mind every single time the mood hit. Erased my thought on love from the second that I drew it, but you gave me a piece of paper and gave me a new reason to re-do it. And no matter what angle you view it, we fell harder and you knew it. And when the bitches act all stupid, I promise you they’re all muted.”

and its only you.

less of that, more of this.

stress less, breathe more

want less, need more

spend less, receive more

surf less, read more

keep less, write more

hurt less, fight more

wrong less, right more

darken less, light more

take less, give more

complain less, live more

give up less, tug more

and in light of it all,

love more.

(it felt good to write something. anything.)

tru dat

there's no one i'd rather argue over the dumbest shit with... and no one else i'd want to fall asleep with every night. not even myself (ha). i may have just fell completely head over heels for you again.

why do i love you so much? because when we finally figured our shit out, i just knew. i knew we were ready. i knew i was going to love each and every thing about you, and i knew that you would walk thru the fire with me. you were so good to me - and you are always ready to be good to me. not a lot of people have that... and the craziest part is, we're only getting started.

"you know we're getting married right?"

 i'm on cloud 9.

master cleanse

quick updates: new job at a barbershop which means no bitches to deal with = luv, summer means a massive mosquito population (please go die or get eaten by a dragonfly or something and get out of my life), a pimple (an "island" my sister calls it), and family/friends/love = the usual.
oh, and looking for a car = impossible... probably the source of the pimple.


onward: i'll make this short and sweet: IF you only find out things about my life by reading my tweets/fb updates rather than validating our friendship via inbox/text/phone call/hanging out (even a wall post would suffice), you are not a real friend - in most cases. so if you run into me and think you know shit about me by referring to something you saw on the internet, i'm going to assume that most of the time, you are a creep with a lot of time on their hands but not enough brain to come through. i don't do half ass friends nor do i care for people who front like they care but are just nosy as fuck. facebook and twitter are simply networks. if you think that makes us friends, you need life work. GOOD BYE.

ps. also if you think we're homies but you don't have my number, the same one i have had for 7 years, you can go waste someone else's time, thank you.

mondays

i will be by your side/there is a light, that shines/special for you, and me

selfmade

but a woman worth some anger is certainly worth some effort

forget him girl, he ain't gon never change

i ain't no hater but that nigga lost in the game
after the bright lights and big thangs,
he probably could love you but he in love with the struggle
everyday, his mind on gettin more
and never ya feelins he chasin millions for sure....


we all either know a girl like that or been that girl.
you know... the good girl who will stay with the bad guy for WAY too long, and make up all these excuses along the way, until he's hurt her so bad past the point of return that eventually....
she wakes up one day and just... doesn't love him the way she used to.
doesn't miss him.
doesn't want to call.
doesn't want to text.
doesn't run her fingers through her hair in exasperation.
doesn't put her hand over her heart when it aches.
doesn't wait for him to change.

all that bullshit she put herself through, just... STOPS. no more straws. his last chance, and he fucked it up. i mean, he's fucked up a million times before, but this time it REALLY IS different. not different out of anger. not different out of resent. not different out of hate. because anger, resent, and hate.... those don't last.
so what changed? what induced the change?

i guess.... love? for herself. finally realizing that no man will ever treat her right if she doesn't treat herself right. every girl will need a guy who is so completely unhealthy, time consuming, irrational, and crazy. the one who makes her lose sleep, wet her pillow with tears for nights on end, and apologize over and over with pathetic attempts to try and compensate his actions with petty words.
yes. EVERY GIRL needs that. because the truth is, we need to be hurt in order to learn how to not hurt others in that way. we don't take things at face value.... we take that shit right to the heart. if we really, truly love you, we will NEVER treat you the way he treated us. we will love you to the death of us, if you're worth it.

but i hate to break it to you, the good men out there waiting on us to wake up and realize what we're doing to ourselves.... we gotta love the bad guy first. if we don't know what it's like to be hurt, how can we avoid hurting you that way? nothing you say can change what needs to be done. for EVERY girl.

just please.... don't be the guy that hurts us again, and please remember that we can't guarantee you'll be the one. if it's meant to be, it will always find a way.

he was like... girl youdabest lemme suck on dem toes

II: FROM THE WESTSIDE W/ LOVE

fucking blew my mind. that's all. dom k<3

goals for NOW - goals for EVER.

1. eliminate clutter.

2. save to move out within the next year

3. ve-hi-cle

4. buy a book to match every article of clothing i purchase

5. open an alternative savings account

6. get my mom a BOMB 50th bday present

7. remind myself everyday that hard work starts with initiative and not luck.

8. drink green tea. every. day. 

9. cook for myself as much as possible

10. remodel my room

11. always say what i feel and remember that we are BETTER than "hardly trying..." and by staying with u its its own reminder to me why this is so worth it. i saved the best for last, but you should know you are at the top of my list, all the time. lets never stop working at this. it's us. you keep me grounded.

"we gotta face it, there'll be times that we let each other down..."

can't remember the exact words but the gist of it is "no small argument or hurtful thing you say or stupid thing i say when you're mad or when i'm mad, is going to make us break up - and if there was something that broke us up i know we'd come running right back to each other... i'm not going to sleep until we work this out, i'm not letting either of us go to sleep mad. so, let's work this thing out."

how many people can say they have such a sure thing? i know i'll love you today, tomorrow, years from now... that's the kind of mark you put on me. the kind of love you give is the only kind of love i want to have for the rest of my life... love that believes, supports, understands... god i cannot say enough how continually understanding you prove to be. never stubborn. never mad. never accusing/blaming... yet still being able to make me feel like we can make it through anything? amazing. through dumb arguments, me pushing you away, distance, missing each other, basically every single fuckin thing in our way... and i can still feel like it will all end up okay for us? even better than okay. to know you'll still have my back and i'll still want you as bad as i have all these months (enough to make me dizzy), even after all the stupid shit we put each other through? some people would PAY for that kind of love. some people can tweet, facebook, and blog about having a ride or die, but you use LIFE, and the entirety of our relationship, as PROOF that you will always stand by me.

i used to shallowly hope with all my heart that i could find somebody like you. someone who would put up with everything i am, go to war with me and still make me fall in love all over again by the time i was ready to give in and fall asleep... every day with you is a beautiful one. every single day. i want you to know that i'm trying my best.... to be the best me, for you. you deserve it baby. this kind of love doesn't prove itself over night, and i know you know me, so for this next "very long time"....

don't ever give up on me. i promise you, one day all of this will be worth it. thank you for giving me a love to believe in.

in the past few months i've noticed that my favorite bloggers have had... some sort of mental block. i find that their realest, most relatable posts are when they lay it all out, bare their emotions thin and don't bullshit a single thing.

it's almost like.... they write their hearts out until they feel different. might as well give it a shot.

there are these times where i feel nothing; and then one person, whether relative to my life or completely random, makes a small comment and i feel like i have to change the world. maybe it's this fire in me, i don't know, but when i believe in something, i pour all my faith into it expecting it to change my life.

it never does. well. maybe a slight alteration. i can never, EVER, figure out why there's this void inside me that needs to be filled with extremist changes. i can never find the reason WHY.

why do i treat the future like it's somewhere i'm just going to end up? the future is no option. it comes at you every second. but then i think that without glancing at what the future could be, i will never feel secure about the paths i choose to take me there. so that's what it's about. security.
why do i feel the need to transform my surroundings so often? i will never learn the true meaning of consistency. or maybe i could learn to entertain the idea of consistent transformation. or maybe it's because there's been so little in my life that's consistent [insert sob story here], that the thought of something actually sticking to me/my life is scary. so that's what it is? fear of balance.

it's so hard for me to explain what i'm feeling. this frustration. this need to be balanced but disregard to contain and maintain the balance. the overall stress i feel due to nothing, yet contributed by everything. the indifference to the things that used to be important to me... sometimes, i just want to give in. i have spent my whole life being stubborn. and yes, i just want to give up and give in; but the most unsettling part of it all... is that i don't even know what i'm giving into yet.

but as always.... Raaachem says it best, in words that i could never find, for feelings i always feel.


"I was told last night that I was strong woman.  I told him it was because I didn’t have a choice.   I don’t care to be strong.  My only concern right now is my health and my happiness.   I understand that happiness isn’t a destination but a state of mind, and I know everything that shines ain’t always gonna be gold.  I know this, but I still struggle. 


I’m struggling.  Still."


do i feel any different after writing this post? maybe a little more sad than i started out. not the kind of liberating different i was looking for, and again... that is why i probably feel this way. i expect liberating happiness in all that i do and refuse to settle for less. give me a little while, i'll find out if that's my rise or my falling.

things ill never need. but want. badly. (greenergrassdesign.com)

Balloon Speaker

Tuxedo Sam Flashdrive

Color Change Umbrella (for all this damn rain)

Salt & Pepper Shakers

"O" bowl

(eating shin ramyun would never be the same again)

Happy Toast mug! :)

Aliiiien mug :)

Headdemock (fatboyusa.com) (omfg)

"Forget Me Knot" ring in white

a baby pug named "pepito"

 luxury dog house(s) for pepito

and lastly,

etc. etc. etc.

i wouldn't trade you for the world i swear it

i swear i will probably have to write something like this after each departure. both ways. i thought you leaving me was hard, i never thought having to walk away from you would be so difficult.... once i ventured up the escalator and the color of your hoodie disappeared my heart sank to my feet, had it sunk any lower i could've stepped on it but the feeling wouldn't be nearly as bad as how i feel right now.

i. miss. you.

it's crazy how some couples who live together or just relatively close (same city) can be so... unhappy with each other. so undeserving of the other. so unwilling to aim for more just because they are afraid of the hard work and having something that is worth loving in distance. now, this isn't to say that there aren't couples in which the partners live close to each other that aren't absolutely AMAZING - but people need to stop trippin as if all long distance relationships have an expiry date written all over them.

hello, reality check. if your boyfriend who you see every day and pretend to love and have slowly resented more and more after all these years, sleeps in the same exact bed as you every night, you probably have more of an expiry date than me and mine ever will.

which we don't. but that is besides the point.

i have major ADD when i'm sad, if that isn't already apparent :(

i will miss being held first thing in the morning before even speaking words. i will miss slow kisses, fast kisses, stupid kisses, opportunity kisses. i will miss telling you "come here" every single day. i will miss your...... singing, if you can call it that, in the car. i will miss kisses at the red lights (and forcing you to kiss me while driving :)). i will miss laying in bed with no regard for the day or the world, just being in love. and i will especially miss hearing you say all the words i love to hear at any time of the day...

i miss you so much it hurts, but i know that hurt means something. i know nothing could hurt more than having to go without this, and really, i wouldn't trade you, or us, for anything.

i love you.

simple as that.

and that simplicity will always be enough.

caution: handle with care

in these past few weeks that i have been "super vacation-ing" with my boyfriend in the states, a lot of different things have crossed my mind. i feel like what little time i have to think to myself, my thoughts have become intensified by what seems like millions... and with that i can finally find the point of interest to write something.

when you commit yourself to a relationship, you are inviting the most delicate, fragile thing ever created between two people. you are not just dedicating yourself to a person, you are creating a thing that is almost sacred because it is exclusive between you and yours only.... and that is scary. i truly believe some people have no idea what they not only commit to, but create in the process, and try to throw away these relationships.

this beautiful thing you created, made up of words you said, tiny exchanges that no one else will ever feel or provide in the same way, songs that defined moments, moments that defined you, moments that defined them, and moments that re-created the both of you without either one of you even knowing it. this precious thing, is made up of time, hours compensated for thinking rather than sleeping, tears, fights. incredible instances where you feel like you fall in love all over again with this person who you feel like you've always loved. the spot on your collarbone that he kisses contributes to this thing, and the way you touch the back of his neck does too.

all these million little things that make up one huge thing, and some people (guilty, used to do this) just act like real love is disposable and people you fall in love with are easily replaceable. like it's just the person that is the issue, not all the million things that happened when you were with them.

there's a difference between loving someone and being with them. you can love them recklessly, but you can't be with them recklessly.

take everything one day at a time.