i focus on the future cause that's the only place i wanna be

why would you stay somewhere that you hate when you yourself have ALL the potential/power to change that?

you wouldn't. if you knew better.

san diego, i'm coming home. see ya soon :)

just a girl

I don't consider myself a girly girl.... but, I don't consider myself a nitty-gritty, wannabe tomboy hood-special either.

I don't like to get my nails done, or do my nails, but I feel better when they look nice (on the rare occasion).

I don't get along better with guys, or girls, I mostly just get along with whoever isn't pissing me off at that moment. Dick or pussy. Doesn't really matter.

I don't pride myself on listening to hip hop or rap or expect you to differentiate me based purely on the music I listen to - because well, I really like justin bieber. Usher. Motown. Every sad & once-relatable slow jam imaginable. As much as I enjoy getting my head-banger on, I ain't ashamed to say there's times I let myself cry over Babyface for absolutely no reason... just because. Don't get me wrong, I love hip hop, rap, all of that, but it isn't the root of me. I love all music.

I don't care to longboard, play video games, drive "boy-ish" cars. Those are all fun things, don't get me wrong. But I have poor coordination. I'm over-competitive, and I'm actually much better as support than opponent... and I'm happy with my little corolla. It's tiny like me, gets me where I need to go, costs $35 bucks to fill up... but it doesn't make loud noises or make guys want to race me. Who gives a shit?

I put lipstick on and take it off cause I get hungry. And cause I feel silly, usually. My hair kind of does itself... I gave up on it already. I follow a simple makeup routine every day and only switch it up when I have time or the desire to do so. I don't care to impress many boys, other than my own. Actually, I could give a fuck. I mean, there's times I give a fuck. But in all honesty there's a small amount of people in the world that I clean up for. Tiny. Micro.

But just because I'm not overly girly or boyish doesn't mean I'm not a regular girl underneath whatever all this is. I'm not "hard" and black hearted. As far as my "independence" goes, ie. paying bills and supporting myself, I do it. I don't care to, I just have to. I don't want to, I just do. Sometimes I complain, sometimes I'm humbled, but mostly, I'm just stressed. Emotionally, I really don't think I'm that independent. I'm still sensitive. Still need love. Still need to feel special. Still need someone to go out of their way to prove they're crazy about me. Still will tell you, "I'll wait, but I fucking hate waiting." Still won't settle for less after having next to nothing. I don't expect much of myself, which really, has resulted in me expecting less of others, but that doesn't mean I don't want to be that girl.

You know. The one that feels good about herself. The special one.

It's hard to tell someone "you hurt me," or "you're hurting me" emotionally. It's hard to fall in love with a person and bask in all the greatness of love and then break even and just spew out fire... but it's worth it. It's worth it to tell the person, "I love you, but that makes me feel like shit." Why? Because. It just goes to show... you can never really love a person without hurting them. To love someone is to peel back their layers, expose their scars, resurface their pain, test them, stress them out, burn them... just so that you can prove that you can do just the opposite: heal them, support them, show them their true colours and make them feel ALIVE, and be there to swim like fucking crazy when they start to drown. Pull them out of the water. Then, push them back in and force them to take risks and be there when they can risk no more. Balance them. Heat the fuck out of them, and then be there to walk through the fire together. No matter how much it burns, if you come out of it alive, together, with burns and scars, your skin will only toughen and you can only take each other for granted less and less.

This love... that's what it's about. I'll always fight for it.

dancin alone cause she extra fly

but i got a good look so i catch ya eye

gave the rest a try now give the best a try

leave ya nest to fly ill make you testify

all of this is new to me and this ain't what i'm used to seein, cause i never been i love before...

“You can’t put a time on love are you stupid? I fell in it, got the bruises from cupid to prove it. I thought I been through it, chopped up, at one point I said screw it. Took bites so big my mouth couldn’t chew it. You got pride? I could teach you how to lose it. You lost your mind every single time the mood hit. Erased my thought on love from the second that I drew it, but you gave me a piece of paper and gave me a new reason to re-do it. And no matter what angle you view it, we fell harder and you knew it. And when the bitches act all stupid, I promise you they’re all muted.”

and its only you.

less of that, more of this.

stress less, breathe more

want less, need more

spend less, receive more

surf less, read more

keep less, write more

hurt less, fight more

wrong less, right more

darken less, light more

take less, give more

complain less, live more

give up less, tug more

and in light of it all,

love more.

(it felt good to write something. anything.)

tru dat

there's no one i'd rather argue over the dumbest shit with... and no one else i'd want to fall asleep with every night. not even myself (ha). i may have just fell completely head over heels for you again.

why do i love you so much? because when we finally figured our shit out, i just knew. i knew we were ready. i knew i was going to love each and every thing about you, and i knew that you would walk thru the fire with me. you were so good to me - and you are always ready to be good to me. not a lot of people have that... and the craziest part is, we're only getting started.

"you know we're getting married right?"

 i'm on cloud 9.

master cleanse

quick updates: new job at a barbershop which means no bitches to deal with = luv, summer means a massive mosquito population (please go die or get eaten by a dragonfly or something and get out of my life), a pimple (an "island" my sister calls it), and family/friends/love = the usual.
oh, and looking for a car = impossible... probably the source of the pimple.


onward: i'll make this short and sweet: IF you only find out things about my life by reading my tweets/fb updates rather than validating our friendship via inbox/text/phone call/hanging out (even a wall post would suffice), you are not a real friend - in most cases. so if you run into me and think you know shit about me by referring to something you saw on the internet, i'm going to assume that most of the time, you are a creep with a lot of time on their hands but not enough brain to come through. i don't do half ass friends nor do i care for people who front like they care but are just nosy as fuck. facebook and twitter are simply networks. if you think that makes us friends, you need life work. GOOD BYE.

ps. also if you think we're homies but you don't have my number, the same one i have had for 7 years, you can go waste someone else's time, thank you.

mondays

i will be by your side/there is a light, that shines/special for you, and me

selfmade

but a woman worth some anger is certainly worth some effort

forget him girl, he ain't gon never change

i ain't no hater but that nigga lost in the game
after the bright lights and big thangs,
he probably could love you but he in love with the struggle
everyday, his mind on gettin more
and never ya feelins he chasin millions for sure....


we all either know a girl like that or been that girl.
you know... the good girl who will stay with the bad guy for WAY too long, and make up all these excuses along the way, until he's hurt her so bad past the point of return that eventually....
she wakes up one day and just... doesn't love him the way she used to.
doesn't miss him.
doesn't want to call.
doesn't want to text.
doesn't run her fingers through her hair in exasperation.
doesn't put her hand over her heart when it aches.
doesn't wait for him to change.

all that bullshit she put herself through, just... STOPS. no more straws. his last chance, and he fucked it up. i mean, he's fucked up a million times before, but this time it REALLY IS different. not different out of anger. not different out of resent. not different out of hate. because anger, resent, and hate.... those don't last.
so what changed? what induced the change?

i guess.... love? for herself. finally realizing that no man will ever treat her right if she doesn't treat herself right. every girl will need a guy who is so completely unhealthy, time consuming, irrational, and crazy. the one who makes her lose sleep, wet her pillow with tears for nights on end, and apologize over and over with pathetic attempts to try and compensate his actions with petty words.
yes. EVERY GIRL needs that. because the truth is, we need to be hurt in order to learn how to not hurt others in that way. we don't take things at face value.... we take that shit right to the heart. if we really, truly love you, we will NEVER treat you the way he treated us. we will love you to the death of us, if you're worth it.

but i hate to break it to you, the good men out there waiting on us to wake up and realize what we're doing to ourselves.... we gotta love the bad guy first. if we don't know what it's like to be hurt, how can we avoid hurting you that way? nothing you say can change what needs to be done. for EVERY girl.

just please.... don't be the guy that hurts us again, and please remember that we can't guarantee you'll be the one. if it's meant to be, it will always find a way.

he was like... girl youdabest lemme suck on dem toes

II: FROM THE WESTSIDE W/ LOVE

fucking blew my mind. that's all. dom k<3

goals for NOW - goals for EVER.

1. eliminate clutter.

2. save to move out within the next year

3. ve-hi-cle

4. buy a book to match every article of clothing i purchase

5. open an alternative savings account

6. get my mom a BOMB 50th bday present

7. remind myself everyday that hard work starts with initiative and not luck.

8. drink green tea. every. day. 

9. cook for myself as much as possible

10. remodel my room

11. always say what i feel and remember that we are BETTER than "hardly trying..." and by staying with u its its own reminder to me why this is so worth it. i saved the best for last, but you should know you are at the top of my list, all the time. lets never stop working at this. it's us. you keep me grounded.

"we gotta face it, there'll be times that we let each other down..."

can't remember the exact words but the gist of it is "no small argument or hurtful thing you say or stupid thing i say when you're mad or when i'm mad, is going to make us break up - and if there was something that broke us up i know we'd come running right back to each other... i'm not going to sleep until we work this out, i'm not letting either of us go to sleep mad. so, let's work this thing out."

how many people can say they have such a sure thing? i know i'll love you today, tomorrow, years from now... that's the kind of mark you put on me. the kind of love you give is the only kind of love i want to have for the rest of my life... love that believes, supports, understands... god i cannot say enough how continually understanding you prove to be. never stubborn. never mad. never accusing/blaming... yet still being able to make me feel like we can make it through anything? amazing. through dumb arguments, me pushing you away, distance, missing each other, basically every single fuckin thing in our way... and i can still feel like it will all end up okay for us? even better than okay. to know you'll still have my back and i'll still want you as bad as i have all these months (enough to make me dizzy), even after all the stupid shit we put each other through? some people would PAY for that kind of love. some people can tweet, facebook, and blog about having a ride or die, but you use LIFE, and the entirety of our relationship, as PROOF that you will always stand by me.

i used to shallowly hope with all my heart that i could find somebody like you. someone who would put up with everything i am, go to war with me and still make me fall in love all over again by the time i was ready to give in and fall asleep... every day with you is a beautiful one. every single day. i want you to know that i'm trying my best.... to be the best me, for you. you deserve it baby. this kind of love doesn't prove itself over night, and i know you know me, so for this next "very long time"....

don't ever give up on me. i promise you, one day all of this will be worth it. thank you for giving me a love to believe in.

in the past few months i've noticed that my favorite bloggers have had... some sort of mental block. i find that their realest, most relatable posts are when they lay it all out, bare their emotions thin and don't bullshit a single thing.

it's almost like.... they write their hearts out until they feel different. might as well give it a shot.

there are these times where i feel nothing; and then one person, whether relative to my life or completely random, makes a small comment and i feel like i have to change the world. maybe it's this fire in me, i don't know, but when i believe in something, i pour all my faith into it expecting it to change my life.

it never does. well. maybe a slight alteration. i can never, EVER, figure out why there's this void inside me that needs to be filled with extremist changes. i can never find the reason WHY.

why do i treat the future like it's somewhere i'm just going to end up? the future is no option. it comes at you every second. but then i think that without glancing at what the future could be, i will never feel secure about the paths i choose to take me there. so that's what it's about. security.
why do i feel the need to transform my surroundings so often? i will never learn the true meaning of consistency. or maybe i could learn to entertain the idea of consistent transformation. or maybe it's because there's been so little in my life that's consistent [insert sob story here], that the thought of something actually sticking to me/my life is scary. so that's what it is? fear of balance.

it's so hard for me to explain what i'm feeling. this frustration. this need to be balanced but disregard to contain and maintain the balance. the overall stress i feel due to nothing, yet contributed by everything. the indifference to the things that used to be important to me... sometimes, i just want to give in. i have spent my whole life being stubborn. and yes, i just want to give up and give in; but the most unsettling part of it all... is that i don't even know what i'm giving into yet.

but as always.... Raaachem says it best, in words that i could never find, for feelings i always feel.


"I was told last night that I was strong woman.  I told him it was because I didn’t have a choice.   I don’t care to be strong.  My only concern right now is my health and my happiness.   I understand that happiness isn’t a destination but a state of mind, and I know everything that shines ain’t always gonna be gold.  I know this, but I still struggle. 


I’m struggling.  Still."


do i feel any different after writing this post? maybe a little more sad than i started out. not the kind of liberating different i was looking for, and again... that is why i probably feel this way. i expect liberating happiness in all that i do and refuse to settle for less. give me a little while, i'll find out if that's my rise or my falling.