"and suddenly.. i just felt like i needed to pull away for a second"


when i start something, i throw myself into it. completely. 
when i work, i work hard. when i study, i study hard. when i read, i read hard.
you get the gist of it. all my reckless effort into what i choose to do is what makes me feel like it's something worth doing. i don't want to do it if i can't do it fully, if i'm going to have to half-ass something, i'd rather not do it at all.


when i write, i throw myself into it and let out EVERYTHING. i do something, anything, like everything is at stake. if there is no purpose, there is no point, and if i don't think it'll be completely worth throwing myself into... i just won't/don't even start. 


but for some reason that's not the premise to how i deal with relationships and friendships. i mean i don't choose to deal with relationships the way i do (shyly, short, and in a somewhat disposable fashion) ... i honestly just DO. i don't get how i get so swallowed in everything else in my life, but when it comes to dealing with people, i'm so short with them all. given the few exceptions... even when i've thrown myself completely into the waters with somebody, i can feel myself hesitating and itching to swim back to shore. i've never been good at giving myself to people. so excuse me if i ghost on you for a second, i may or may not be back.


i wish i knew how to deal with that. i wish i could find a way to glue myself into place and fight for people like they're WORTH IT.. cause there's times where i feel like, certain people are so worth it. but in opposing respect i also feel like there is almost no one who is worth it. all those people who have come at me with their bullshit... they make everybody else not worth it. worth the hurt. worth the trouble. worth feeling myself crumble when they finally decide to walk away.


or i wish i could dismiss feeling this void when i decide to walk away. either way, i can't help but think about how life would/will be like without somebody once they've entered my life. maybe it's because some person(s) who i never thought i'd have to go on without, is gone... and it happens. people walk out. life changes everybody's direction, and i'm not stupid, i know that everyone i love can't head in the same direction i'm heading.


but when i feel like i'm flying off at tangents, i really only feel like it's myself who's getting off balance. when things go wrong, i feel like i can only deal with it on my own... and i dunno how to fix that. when i feel animosity, i feel the very heights of it... and i "don't deal with it in the light," meaning i try to sort it all out in the DARK... or just leave it there. basically.


i dunno. i just see all these people i love getting completely swallowed and walked all over and still claiming to be in a good spot. i NEVER want to be that person ever again.. i never want to play the fool. i never want to be the last one to know. i never want to be the "almost, but not really." i never want to end up on an emotional rollercoaster again. i deserve more than that. i owe it to myself to overcome this feeling.. i owe it to myself to be balanced. and i owe it to myself to make sure i NEVER, ever, end up being that person. the one who should, but can't, walk away.


or maybe... nah. i dunno. fuck that shit.
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sike. i do know. you seem to prove all that i need to know before i even know it... you are the answer. <3