luhhh you 2011

x maria

you said that i could call you whenever i needed someone to listen to me
that's why i'm here standin by your side
cause you always come through for me 
so many others tried to be where you are
but they just wanted to do me
but you took your time and now i'm satisfied..
that's why i want you all to me


if you were my best friend..
rather spend my time wastin time with you
ooh you make it so easy

happy new year!

2010 you were sooo good to me. all i ask of 2011 is to generate the same consistency that 2010 did.

cuba. peas. greens. graduation. graduatING. chillest summer. living on whyte ave. nyala's 3x a week. stupid crazy house parties. nature walks. tanning. skirts. dresses. flip flops. the hours of meandering and chilling that never got old. the boy and all the shit we went through.

look where we are now. betttter than ever.

i will nevvver forget you 2010. you were nothing short of AMAZING.

but 2011 is going to SHIT on 2010! lehgoooo

"you sound real happy"
"you're glowing"
"i've never seen you like this before"
"i'm so happy for you"
"that's so beautiful"
etc.

all you


and i swear that i've never felt that..
a love could be perfect
and that's what i feel for you
and don't you forget that..
that you're more then worth it
and that's what i feel for you

rick ROSS

ashes to ashes (ft. kevin cossom)
do you wanna fly tonightttt 


she crazy (ft. aaliyah & ne-yo)
had a situation where she kept it g as fuck
sometimes realer than the niggas that i trust

easily top 10 mixtapes of the year for me

i could chill out to this shit all dayyy
 #deathofapopstar 9thwonder x david banner x anthony hamilton



i was meant to be your lover, but for now i just st-st-st-st-stutterrrr

the only thing i wanted for christmas was to see everybody i love happy.
so to my knowledge, i should be getting nothing materialistic for christmas.

i've never been so, SO satisfied. :) i love my life and everything about it. i am blessed by some deity (or deities) with amazing AMAZING people. more than i can count.

 merry christmas.

at first he was like

i was like boy is that all you got?

and then bam he was just like

wuddup girl

!!!!!!!
ipod + book (Assholes Finish First - Tucker Max)
my life.
thanks baby :)

heard you just a student working weekends in the city

no, drake you got it wrong.
i'm just a student clocking in MAD HOURS getting that bookoo.
...in the city.

let me break down how my life will look like as of january til the end of winter sem

monday: work 930-6, get my homework on
tuesday: class 9-5, get my homework on
wednesday: 930-6, get my homework on crazy town style
thursday: class 9-5, attempt to get my homework on
friday: work. party.
saturday: work. THREE PEAS study session @ larita's.
sunday: work. try to finish all the homework i didn't do the previous night @ larita's.
...
and there we have it.
but my boyfriend is here in february woooo! so that's kind of kewl.
sike.
i am SO excited :)

holla if you got meand fuck you if you had me

i'm missing you

sometimes when i'm far away from my house, like say the west side or the north side, i feel a sudden rush of anxiety/excitement to go home. going from that distance to my house in the southside makes me feel... i don't know. closer to you. it's so silly, but it provides some momentary comfort (more south=closer to where you are). my heart always beats a little faster when i know you're about to pick up the phone... and whether you're wide awake to say "whasgoooood baby" or i've woken you up and you're making one of your sleepy noises (similar to mine... "muh"), it's like an instant relief. "you have no idea how much i care about you" is possibly the sweetest thing to hear in the world... especially because you're so far away and you/we are capable of that kind of emotion, despite all the distance. it is almost too much to handle sometimes how happy you make me, i wish i could bottle it up and drink it over and over but i'm not sure if they make bottles that big. you are so different for me... and you are so different from them. you will never know what kind of light you bring to my life. :) i will never be the same again, and i've never been so excited to be different. i miss you, but there's no other person i'd want to spend the next 54 days waiting for. i can't wait to see what 2011 has in store for you and i. i got a thaaang for you baby.. 

to one of the best girls that i know

happy birthday katsni kongpachith. i hope your special day is exactly that.. SUPER special. you special girl. special. <3 i love you.

i tell em we could never be too good to be true... because we good enough

do i believe i'm a different person than i was exactly a year ago? of course. i'm completely different.

do i believe i'm better now than i was then? ... a little bit. but my struggle remains pretty much the same from last year. i can't find the slot to humble myself into so that i can open my eyes and be like,

HEY. new self. this is your old self speaking. remember those mistakes you made? remember the hurt? remember how you somehow managed to abandon the bullshit and move on and start something new? you're in a different spot now, act like it.

cause i remember. i remember all the bullshit i put myself through, in fact, i will never forget. in the past year, i learned to trust more AND less. i learned to believe in people but never forget that they can still do bad things. i learned that people mess up, have the potential to mess up, and when they are borderline messing up - i've already reached accusation and made my mind up about the disappointment they've provided.

man, am i SO wrong for that... i'm trying to dream big. believe bigger. love the biggest. i'm trying to forgive people for being... only human, and to bring myself down to common level and realize that i have just as much (if not more) potential to "screw up" like how i wait for them to. i'm trying to digest the fact that... even if people talk me up, they could still be skeptical about me/trusting me. JUST LIKE I DO FOR THEM.

i need to just entertain the thought that there's always better. and even though there's also always worse... i need to remember that it's much more safe/forgiving for me to believe that there is ALWAYS... always better. and anyone deserves better if what they have isn't making them happy. not just myself, anybody.

somebody who within 5 minutes of meeting me yesterday looked at me and said "you have a good heart. i can see it in your eyes." and i welled up with tears. someone who didn't even know my last name believed in me more than i believed in myself. she believed i could be/was good. she believed i was capable of duplicating this "good heart" of mine to help others, to teach them to want all i wanted and to dream the heights i dreamt. she woke me up. she literally showed me all i wanted in those 5 minutes of speaking to her... i've spent my entire life trying to take care of myself, and trusting myself... but never trying to really put my ENTIRE faith into other people.

i want to start. i NEED to start. i have so much strength to make myself happy... and i need to channel that into believing other people can make me even happier. i need to focus on all that is good and seize each broken situation as an opportunity to fix myself. i'm a little better this year... but a year from now, or even six months from now, i want to be the best i've ever been. starting now.

do you wanna feel me
touchin and rubbin and lovin all over your body
it's just you and me baby


.. can't wait to see you

cause you know i got luhh for you

i like to believe that passion is an element all on its own. what i also believe is that the deepest, most tender emotion is what drives passion to be successful. i believe that heartbreak can write songs to cry to and love... well, love can write poetry to keep both the writer and the reader swirling on their tippy toes all day. i haven't rhymed for anyone since.... i honestly don't know when, so here goes. (bare with me!)

states of lust and love, infatuation and hesitation, been a while since i felt such an ooey gooey sensation. and not just the sexual type, but the all-in-your-tummy stuff, once i get a hit of you i don't stop til i get enough ... which is never. it always seems better when it's just us. my mind is tryna fight it by saying it's just lust. but my heart knows i'm lying when i think about the stuff that doesn't even include sexin' you... facebombin, morning callin and all-night textin you. long hugs, stealing kisses and just chillin out next to you. all i'm tryna be is more than the best to you,  "you got the best of my love" but i'm so happy with the rest of you. you got a perfect smile and feet that could speak if they wanted, the best part about your talent is you never over-flaunt it, but even if you had to battle, i don't think they want it, and i know what you're capable of so that's why i'm all up on it. "happiness, you could model it," but you're so far from common, them other dudes are chicken noodle soup and you're a bowl of ramen. you come equipped with all the qualities i never knew i needed, and you always know what to do whenever you know i need it. i'm trippin off of you, you got me so highhhh, on a million fluffy clouds so fuck a cloud 9. you make me smile, you make me laugh, plus you're fine as hell, and there's some room for more points so i think i might as well: your laugh is infectious and you got it goin on for days, and i think i could learn to love you in 10 million different ways, i could go on and on and on and on i keep on, american applebum, you gotta put me on. :)

i'm so gay for this kid. 4 suuure

heh.

the best birthday wall post.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

and they all wanna holla at the birthday girrlll

good times.

no time for dramabitches on my birthday
so yeah

"and suddenly.. i just felt like i needed to pull away for a second"


when i start something, i throw myself into it. completely. 
when i work, i work hard. when i study, i study hard. when i read, i read hard.
you get the gist of it. all my reckless effort into what i choose to do is what makes me feel like it's something worth doing. i don't want to do it if i can't do it fully, if i'm going to have to half-ass something, i'd rather not do it at all.


when i write, i throw myself into it and let out EVERYTHING. i do something, anything, like everything is at stake. if there is no purpose, there is no point, and if i don't think it'll be completely worth throwing myself into... i just won't/don't even start. 


but for some reason that's not the premise to how i deal with relationships and friendships. i mean i don't choose to deal with relationships the way i do (shyly, short, and in a somewhat disposable fashion) ... i honestly just DO. i don't get how i get so swallowed in everything else in my life, but when it comes to dealing with people, i'm so short with them all. given the few exceptions... even when i've thrown myself completely into the waters with somebody, i can feel myself hesitating and itching to swim back to shore. i've never been good at giving myself to people. so excuse me if i ghost on you for a second, i may or may not be back.


i wish i knew how to deal with that. i wish i could find a way to glue myself into place and fight for people like they're WORTH IT.. cause there's times where i feel like, certain people are so worth it. but in opposing respect i also feel like there is almost no one who is worth it. all those people who have come at me with their bullshit... they make everybody else not worth it. worth the hurt. worth the trouble. worth feeling myself crumble when they finally decide to walk away.


or i wish i could dismiss feeling this void when i decide to walk away. either way, i can't help but think about how life would/will be like without somebody once they've entered my life. maybe it's because some person(s) who i never thought i'd have to go on without, is gone... and it happens. people walk out. life changes everybody's direction, and i'm not stupid, i know that everyone i love can't head in the same direction i'm heading.


but when i feel like i'm flying off at tangents, i really only feel like it's myself who's getting off balance. when things go wrong, i feel like i can only deal with it on my own... and i dunno how to fix that. when i feel animosity, i feel the very heights of it... and i "don't deal with it in the light," meaning i try to sort it all out in the DARK... or just leave it there. basically.


i dunno. i just see all these people i love getting completely swallowed and walked all over and still claiming to be in a good spot. i NEVER want to be that person ever again.. i never want to play the fool. i never want to be the last one to know. i never want to be the "almost, but not really." i never want to end up on an emotional rollercoaster again. i deserve more than that. i owe it to myself to overcome this feeling.. i owe it to myself to be balanced. and i owe it to myself to make sure i NEVER, ever, end up being that person. the one who should, but can't, walk away.


or maybe... nah. i dunno. fuck that shit.
----
sike. i do know. you seem to prove all that i need to know before i even know it... you are the answer. <3

DECEMBER.

happy happy first of the month! i love december so much it's disgusting. i think you could use my face as a flash light, it lights up so badly every time i see christmas lights... and i'm just this little ball of happiness in every mall i enter.... so yeah, christmas and i = foreverBFF's.

i pretty much have all of my christmas shopping down. i SPOIL people... seriously.

and my birthday is in two days.
two.
1
and then 2.

*squeal* that's all imma say. enjoy this month!

yup.. i need EACH one.

i love this movie. 

keeep comin back for more

i've been feeling the same thing for a while now... ummm like saveroom-johnlegend happy. i don't have much to say except consistency is nice. familiarity, it's nice. it doesn't do much for my writing (i think i've gushed enough....), considering i write best when my emotions are wylin' out at 10000miles/minute, but at least the consistency provides genesis for balance in my life. can't complain. haven't been complaining.
got some friends who are down for me.
got a family that keeps me grounded.
got a dude that is all kinds of wonderful.

school begins in a month and a week. finally finished my schedule. microeconomics, business law, english, sociology = papers papers and more papers. my strength. THANKFULLY i only have classes tuesday and thursday, so i can still get my money up.

oh you know, no big deal, i'm legal this upcoming friday. i am looking forward to this epic birthday extravaganza. can't wait to just get all SILLY.

i have three jobs.
sorta.

i kill the life tip boi.

oh it feels so crazy, oooh this love is blazin

you made me realize that we were born to fly
you showed me every day the possibilities
and you proved my fantasies,
what love could really be

i don't know nobody half as fresh as you...

MIND blown

oh my GAH
1:38... kill me now

the lesson

o.m.g.

6:06 and for like the next 20 seconds... oh my freaking goodnesss

things that need to come into my line of purchase immediately

smashbox fusion soft lights

garnier anti-dark circle eye roller 

(eeeek it feels SO cool)

clarins waterproof eyeliner pencil

(seriously... no. smudges. whatsoever)

kat von d tattoo concealer 

(... main influence: JLovesmac1@youtube nuffff said)

clinique lash building primer 

benefit Dr. Feelgood

(because i don't wear foundation but wouldn't mind a LITTLE somethin)

the OG brown sugar bear

(... for my brown suga)

with my birthday coming up so soon, i think a massive make-up haul is only appropriate. 

sephora, you, me, it's on bebe.

i can't find a title to this post because i can't hold a title to what i'm feeling (har har).

lately i have been pulling away from just about everyone who i don't consider one of my best friends... that even includes my family. i have never felt like i wanted to move out SO badly.
but in all seriousness, i don't know why or what it is that makes me feel like... i need to isolate myself from people. i've always had this bad habit of getting close to people and then ghosting on them.

that's not to say that, if they were to ask of my help, i wouldn't give it. it's just the notion that i'd ever offer it is questionable.
i guess... in the scheme of things, i'm approachable, but fail at approaching others.
maybe it's just that after-high school shit people always talk about. the people who i swore i'd remain friends with, i barely see. matter of fact, i barely even speak to them. friendship is a two way street right? much like most things... i guess i've just adjusted to walking down a lot of streets my "friends" haven't, leading me to walk it on my own.

i mean... it's not a totally bad thing. but it's not totally a good thing, either. i don't know what it is. am i tired of those people? do i just use "independence" as a safety net so that i don't have to watch someone walk away first?

trust issues?
apathy towards them?
pftt
no idea.

happy birthday arianaaa

how sweet it is to be loved by youuu

all we ever do is say goodbye

why you wanna break my heart again

MILLENNIUM MANTRA

Instructions for Life

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

3. Follow the three R's.
Respect for self.
Respect for others.
Responsibility for all your actions.

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

8. Spend some time alone every day.

9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.

14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.

15. Be gentle with the earth.

16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.

17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

18,. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

WARNING: this blog is filled with the mushy sappy lovey dovey gay-gay (milder version of cray-cray), in other words, it is a blog proclaiming my "gay" for somebody.

i suggest that unless you are that person, you divert your attention elsewhere. 

i am straight, though.

very straight. 

i won't name names, but if you can't single yourself out to know that this is about you, you should stop frontin. =)

i have so many things to thank you for, and a million ways to thank you, but circumstances make it hard to do so. i feel like i don't give you the credit you deserve for putting up with my shit... so hopefully a blog will suffice (i have big things in store! wait til i see your ass). i've spent a lot of time thinking about what to say in this blog, wondering if it's just a validation for my own personal reflection or to prove to others that you are good to me. it's neither though, it is straight up just a grateful post to tell you: i am so happy to have you, i am also lucky to have you, and these days, i owe a lot of my sanity to you. 

i don't even know where to start. maybe i'll start by saying that you're not someone who says they'll do things to dress themselves up... because you actually do it. you already have so many reassuring things to say to make me feel the "gay," (aka that way) but when you come through and your actions back up what you have to say, it's an amazing thing. you are even more than the words that you have to say. i already feel important to you, but the times where you take the extra step to make me feel even more important... it's a trip. i stopped trying to wrap my head around it a long time ago and settled with knowing that it's the feeling of being happy. 

it's when you force yourself to stay up just to make sure i'm okay, even though you talked about how tired you were all day. it's when you don't agree with what i have to say but support me 100% regardless. it's when i know i can approach you with my conflicts because you'll listen, and try to make it better in any way you can. it's when i feel like i'm caught up in a shitty moment and you see past it and say something like "i'm thankful for who you are."

that shit gets to me. in all the best ways. i've tried so hard my entire life to rely on only myself, and these days i'm slowly giving that up to feel closer to you. whether it's bitching about something, being sad, or even letting you do the sweet shit to see me happy... it's all so... different. i don't think i've perfected it completely, and i don't know if i ever will, but i am happy to say that i'm confident you'll be there to see me through it all, even if i fail all epic. it's scary for me to even consider depending on/relying on anyone but myself... but so far, it feels kinda nice. 

i've found a whole new level of comfort with you and aside from just being "that dude" in my life, i also consider you a good friend. a great friend. you listen. you respond. you support. you are an overall positive contribution to my life. you say things that confirm the way i already felt and it is still a surprise everytime... for instance, "i would never do that to you, just so you know." of course i knew. you never cloud me with negative bullshit, and you always have what it takes to make me feel better. my birthday isn't too far, but i can already say my best gift is being happy with/for you. thank you for everything :)

ok. i'm done being gay now.

happy early birthday TO MEEEE!

no idea what's in it, cause the bag is so pretty that i ain't even tryna open it right now

but you can never go wrong with a massive Dior bag

18 daaays :)

*shrug*
i always thought people deserved complete honesty... no matter who it was, they deserved the truth. even if it was painful. like deeply painful.

apparently not.

so i asked chris to draw me a dinosaur....

thas mah boo <3

had hoes in passionate night gowns
but you the only one i imagine in white gowns
so where ya left hand, you should lemme add a ring to it
because mr. and mrs. Anderson just has a ring to it
she like why you act like that to me
walk right back and mike jack to me
every time we fall out, i throw ya ass out
but you just end up boomeranging back to me
what the fuuck

sometimes when i am wayyyy too happy
i have nothing to blog about
...
so....

l8r

holla

nothing like a pair of J's :)

excuse me i just... need to wipe my drool off..