yo wuddddup

... i love summer.

and my family...

 and this little girl..

 and my aunties $1000 fish...

and my mom, once again. cause she stay FIT.

but at the end of it all, when my tan fades...
dear summer, i know you gon miss me
for we been together like nike airs & crisp tees
s dots with polo fleeces, purple label shit with the logo secret
gimme a couple years, shit i might just sneak in
a couple words and like peaches & herb
we'll be reunited...and it feels so good
until then. ENJOYYYY

useful/obvious/not-so-obvious information i have acquired

1. a day of being bitter can replace months of being overrun by pride and internal pain. so i don't know, book off two sundays from now and use that day to burn a bunch of shit, or write angry letters to people who piss you off or have upset you in the past. then drop them in the river or something cause sending them would just be stupid. either way, take one day to dispose of all that negativity. or as much as u can. but don't get greedy. game face comes back on after that, and you gotta grow your balls back.

2. the bible, now and then, is still very useful. hella jokes... always useful! once you get past the reality of the crap load of reading material, the small stuff really reps its place.


1.Listen without interrupting. (Proverbs 18)
2.Speak without accusing. (James 1:19)
3.Give without sparing. (Proverbs 21:26)
4.Pray without ceasing. (Colossians 1:9)
5.Answer without arguing. (Proverbs 17:1)
6.Share without pretending. (Ephesians 4:15)
7.Enjoy without complaint. (Philippians 2:14)
8.Trust without wavering. (Corinthians 13:7)
9.Forgive without punishing. (Colossians 3:13)
10.Promise without forgetting. (Proverbs 13:12)

3. if you are such an insomniac in the summer, ditch the internet, and watch one of those "late night with ____" shows. i generally enjoy jimmy fallon.
lmao i have a crush on him. who do i think i am. but really it will probably make you nostalgic or update you on current events or make you laugh a little bit. i won't front tho i sit on my couch and laugh my little ass off.

4. always carry an extra outfit if you will not be home for over 10 hours... or an extra shirt or something. or SHOES. i always carry flip flops around these days when tempted by late night chilling sessions. oopsies. also, sometimes i am a messy eater and need to be presentable for, well, life. so carrying an extra dress = better safe than stupid lookin.

5. sometimes staring at art is just... A TREAT. like a sundae with all the mothafuckin fixins treat.


6. at times, saying "no" in the nicest way you can, doesn't hurt. in fact the more i think about it, there's been times where people i've said no to didn't hold me accountable for the rest of my life - which is always kind of my fear lmao. so from now on, if i really can't afford to miss my friends birthday to take your work shift or i just want my ONLY day off - imma say no. plain and simple. hope you understand.

... yeh that's about ittttt that i can think of. i know there's infinitely more but these are the most useful as of late.

it was a time

i guess i had fun. and yes, my cuban boyfriend who spoke poor but sexy english caught that fishy for me. i brought him back, what happens in cuba, does not always stay in cuba.
hahahaha i'm just joking. i definitely had the time of my life though. the beach. the drinks. the people. the cubans.
the CUBANS.
so hospitable and beautiful, ahhh yes. i miss it. the lack of destination, never having to be anywhere, but loving where you were all the time. i miss looking at all that WATER. i miss the humidity. the sun. wind surfing. banana boating. spilling all our alcohol in the pool ("i swear... osmosis drunk") and emptying out the pool bar daily. dancing and partying every night. all that volume in my hair lmao. wearing a bra probably twice that entire trip (excluding arrival and departure) and how everything just seemed to look good.
i think i will move somewhere with a lot of humidity and a big, big beach. it is now in my plans haha.

but i swear, once my friends and i hit the toronto airport (6 hour layover on the way home *facepalm), we missed "real" food SO much that we munched out hard. and i mean HARD.



we couldn't even fit all the food into the picture hahaha. or we were too hungry to try. chicken ceaser salad never tasted sooo0o0o goooood.

also, i was not a fan of layovers there and back.

... i'm under there, somewhere. i promise.

and i missed this little nerdbomber. scratch that, i STILL miss her.




lmao sorry my brain can't generate anything more meaningful than a shitload of pictures at the moment. i've spent the past week and a half eating all the food i missed so terribly. alreaddyy planning my next vaca... :)

about to shit in my pants.

who datttt :O KAT BADAR

"do you trust me enough, to tell me your dreams" - 50cent

do you know what's scary? telling someone your dreams.
so if someone, who wasn't 50 cent, came to me with that noise, i'll be honest - i don't trust you enough. probably not, anyway.
in fact, if i recall correctly, i don't think i've ever told anyone my real dreams. i mean, i have them. i have goals, too. but i have dreams and those are completely different... i harbor them so subtly they're almost like dark lit. almost like they don't exist. but they do... took me a while to realize that.

what's so scary about telling someone your dreams? well first of all, that's me giving them the biggest part of me...the one i haven't reached. the one that isn't real. my means of "opening up" to a person is by showing them or expressing to them pre-meditated actions and/or qualities. dreams though, at least my own, are things of the air, basically. i know they're there, but i can't touch, see or feel them. i just know they exist.
letting someone in on something that i have yet to reach is scary... they have every power to put me in my place with that kind of destructive knowledge. to break down anything i have to say because they know that i'm not pursuing my dreams. they know i'm goal-oriented, not dream-oriented.

scary.

...sunkissssssed

home from a week in cuba. let me just say... cuban men are the most beautiful men on this earth. probably some of the smoothest too. white sand beaches are absolutely BEAUTIFUL. walking in warm drizzle or even pouring rain will be something that i miss daily. the cutest stray puppies that i wanted to take home and clean and feed and give shots too ... and well, being drunk more than my two hands can count haha. duh.

i have one picture for now (waaayyy too lazy to attempt putting any of my own up, plus my laptop is out of commission!) from one of the nightly themed parties (i think this was safari - regardless, i had nothing safari-like packed in my luggage lol) but the main motive is to showcase my slight tan and my crazy friends :x

so stupid

the way you feel... it's so stupid. you know it is. it's not just stupid, it's flat out damn senseless. hopeless even. so you don't speak. you don't ask. you don't wonder... you just feel. and you know better than to feel this way, that way...but nah, you could care less. because even if you know better, emotions are emotions. not choices. not opinions. you don't opt out of a feeling.

you just feel.
with no words. no sound. no hope.
just left with a sting that seems to suspend itself in the air in front of you... but beneath that, the promise that you will deal with it this time, for once and for good - instead of burying it as best you can. because where does burial get you? nowhere. it's still there... in some place. that's why people bury their loved ones and re-visit them forever after. they re-visit the pain. they cry. they remember. they still love. they will always love.

which is exactly why i can't afford to bury you, not this time. this time i will get over it, under it, around it and past it the right away. blood shed, and tears.

we miss you

life.

i love life - that's become pretty generic. but that's my style, and i love the way i wear it. via radiance, maintenence and living the real, outlasting the bullshit and outlining the feel. the smells, the sights, the details in minor, and all things of access whether homemade or finer. creating for yourself and bustin ass to get it, stayin on top that when they call you out, you can bet it. i love life so much that i get all poetic, and happiness loves company, so call me magnetic. you gotta get past the dirt to appreciate the flower, and things become so sweet after tasting the sour. the books, the songs, the smell of your mom's room, all the things wedged under your chest that rest with you in the tomb; every single aspect, from losses to heartbreak to tough decisions, i love my life regardless, so get it how you live.

just... stuff.

i've had so much summer/sleeping in/late nights for the past week that i've officially lost track of my days, and it will take me a while to feel... harmony. so when i do, a post with substance is due. promise.

whenever i get off anything that is not operated by man - the train, an elevator, etc - i feel the urge to say "thank you" and i find myself having to bite my tongue more often than not. lmao i'm messed up, so kill me.

the hunger games - suzanne collins! an awesome book. already thrilled to go out and get the second part, "catching fire." this is not a girly book by any means (it's a break from my usual romantic comedies haha), in fact it was recommended to me by one of my good male friends! READ THAT SHIT. don't let your brain turn to mush.

it's so hot, that even when it isn't hot, it is still, really hot.

futurama, south park, family guy, etc.
teletoon at night, cartoon network, i could watch that shit for hours. HOURS i tell you.

back to work...every day... and the yearly summer sale is coming up thursday. i am terrified, to say the least. but meh something to do. come shop at aritzia :)

cuba next weekend omg. the more i say it out loud when asked, the sweeter it sounds and the better it feels to say it. wtf. cannnot waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait

For Father's day.

 

crazy.

stumbled upon this on facebook... haha


Planet Mars will be the brightest in the night sky starting August. It will look as large as the full moon to the naked eye. This will cultivate on Aug. 27 when Mars comes within 34.65M miles off earth. Be sure to watch the sky on Aug. 27 12:30 am. It will look like the earth has 2 moons. The next time Mars may come this close is in 2287.

and Ron Artest? .... boy is just. NUTS.
peep his postgamin' flat out ridiculous-ness here. 

but at the end of the day i give a damn about ron artest haha. sure my team lost but i still love them, boston celtics ALL day baby..check KG's wife tho. damn. DAMN. (thanks to my new jersey livin friend Darnell for being all, KG's wife is hot blah blah)

 

ya boy

me: big hands are scary man
him: ....thats kinda hot
me: like rondo's hands
him: man rondo has weirdly large hands
him: frickin alien man
me: alien
me: the basketball gods created him
me: in space
me: and then threw him into our earth
him: LOL
me: but im serious :/
him: i think there is actually an intergalactic basketball association and he wasn't good enough so he became a free agent and then was drafted into the nba from outerspace and we all know the IBA is where its at
me: lmfao i think i just pissed my pants

stay poppin all day

i ain't know you, but i would love to get to know you.

it's summer.
it's time to get a water gun.
and get my water soaking game on, BOSS STYLE.

be my boo?


click here to learn the ways.

thanks to Marco Tran (@marcotran) for this link when i told him i wanted an ultimate super soaker hahaha. also! check him & two of my other friends out in this video, ADD all day baby!



main singer: Dave Paclibar
guitarist: Marco Tran
prop boy/kajone: Josh Capulong
equals A.D.D. :) woot. subscribe to dave's channel on youtube where all the videos are and follow them on twitter! @ADDmusiq

im about my black... ;)

i love the dream.

im about whateva mayne

man i love my team, man i love my team, i would die for them niggas - drizzy.
word. my team goes hard.
exam week(s). classes done on wednesday.
then summer basically cause.. who the fuck studies for source-based questions?
so thankful i worked my ass off all these semesters so that i only had to write one diploma before peacin out. ESPECIALLY because i can't focus for shit...

thanks to SUMMMMMER. 30degrees Celsius today. almost died. thank you thank you thank you.

moved into my temporary place. moving is a bitch and a half step. but round 1 is done yeyeaaa. round 2 at the end of july.


i have decided to buy a beater car and get my grease monkey of a best friend to fix it up, since he offered to for free... and bring up the value like 3+ g's.

life just looks, feels, is, RIGHT.

yeah so like... i'm sick.
i sound like a twelve year old boy. my appetite is...like...where is it? i am sneezing and sniffling and coughing all the time.

i'm okay with that. really, i am.

BUT what i am NOT okay with, however, are hot/cold flashes. i don't like surprises. i can deal with being too hot. i can deal with being too cold, whatever. that's fine. but i can't deal with waking up cold going to school cold being in school hot being too cold without a sweater being too hot with a sweater being too hot in a blanket freezing my heffer ass off without a blanket and blah blah BLAAAAAAAAAH.

so um.
dear body, i need you to man the fuck up and make up your damn mind. so i can work out for cuba and not die after (...ya im working out anyway), so i can sing and record some damn videos and so i can go through life at a COMFORTABLE BODY TEMPERATURE!

shit.
 
everyone else have a good weekend and tear it up...especially if you're not sick :(

infamous rivalry remains true to its history

the big baby drool.
lol gross. but in like the best way possible.

not only did glen davis aka "big baby" do work tonight with 18 points off the bench, but the ENTIRE celtics bench did. robinson, wallace, tony allen.. paul pierce came up early and finished quite nicely. oh and derek fisher might have cried again... but not so heartwarming tonight.

whatever.
GO CELTICS!

so why don't I just leave?

for the sake of us. for the sake of you. for the sake of me.
for world peace.
lol, just kidding.

this happens at least once in one's dating life, i'm sure. you know... when fights work their way into your daily routine? when the only sex you have is make up sex? when you can't even smile at the little things that used to make you shiver and lose your shit?!? when you can't stand the person you've become?

ok let me break it down if you still don't know what i'm getting at. first person point of view. i hate who i've become with you, so why stay? why try to work it out if i can't even stand to be around not only you, but MYSELF. what good am i doing? i'm not fixing me, i'm not fixing you, and i am certainly, not fixing us. matter of fact, i'm doing the complete opposite, and if it's not already a point of the obvious, i'm sick of this shit. so why don't i just leave.

because you're not going to leave. i know you. and you? you're CRAZY. the crazy one never leaves. i thought everyone knew that!? everyone except the crazy one, apparently. the crazy one breaks up momentarily only to rush back. why do you do that? oh yeah, you're fuckin crazy!
just so it's clear, i don't like crazy. i don't do crazy. crazy and i, we ain't friends. the more crazy you get on me, the less crazy i am about you. you were so cool when we first started dating and then you got mothafuckin CRRRRRRRAAAAZYYY! up in this. and shit, now it's too late to go back to cool, cause i'm already fully aware of the capability of your psycho antics, and that's just. not. cool.

so since i'm already well on my way to falling - or more appropriately, walking, running, BOOKING IT - out of love, why don't i just leave for good? because what's the point of dragging on "us" when only one of us really wants to remain in love? (you. crazy.) what's the satisfaction in that? there is none. i hate me so much when i'm with you, that i'm starting to hate YOU. so before i end up actually hating you and destroy any chance of us ever being friends in the future without that awkward i-hated-you bullshit, why don't i just leave? to SAVE me. to SAVE you. to save US, the us that could be platonic friends in the future.

well maybe. as long as you're not crazy if and by the time comes.

so for the last time, since you're already dissing my shit daily and telling me how much you wish i would change, let me give you a time saver. i won't. i love who i am - even if that means i can only be that person when i'm not with you. how can you say you love me when "you can't say you're happy either, you don't even smile, for me" - drake (lets call it off). you can't. you don't, and for that exact reason, i don't love me either when i'm with you because no matter what i do, it's not enough - and i know i'm enough. so being made as someone inadequate - well, sorry to break it to you, but that's not enough FOR ME. so why don't i just leave?

sundae on a sunday.

- stumbled on this while checking out fashionbombdaily. tell me this is not sick crazy and amazing.





"Boxing Kitten," a line designed by Maya Lake. ooooh wee.

- living on this stuff.





- Veradero, Cuba. Sol Sirenas Coral Resort. See you in less than 4 weeks.





- finals this week and next... and then i'm donnnneeee! can't wait to finally start. my. life.

- moving to my temporary place saturday! can't wait to see the new house at the end of july. packing turns me into a grumpy old woman. thank God it's almost over.

- "do things that make you feel like you're living rather than existing." words that have contaminated my mindddddd.

my mantra, as of late.

do you, with you in mind.

with cuba so close (27 days!), the stress of grad passing, and summer teasing me with its antics, i have (and i am going to have) a lot of time to straighten out my priorities for the 239523875th time in my life. but this time, placing myself a bit higher. i've learned to stay grounded and mind my own business, and keep to myself, along with those who only want to see me happy... by allowing to let me do what i want because they trust my own judgment.

so from now on, i'm doing me, with me in mind.
easier said than done (what aint?), but there is no room for excuses.

do or do not. there is no 'try'.
- yoda.

please don't front.

i know you don't like me. don't pretend to like me back. don't suck up to me because i don't like you. don't shine your fake (and ugly - because its fake) smile at me because you think it leaves a lasting impression. believe me, it doesn't. and don't try to front to your boys like you're stringing me along, because trust me, i already deleted your number & when you text me and don't hear back, it's cause i already forgot who the funk you are.

please don't front, because it makes me lose respect for you.
because yes, believe it or not, even tho there's many people i dislike, that doesn't mean i don't RESPECT them. i do. doesn't mean i ain't civil with them. doesn't mean i don't hold them in high regard or defend their position just because i'm not fond of their character, or because they don't rub me the right way. know why? cause they don't front.

so the less you front, the less respect i lose for you. me disliking you? really, it's not that big of a deal. but me having NO respect for you? expect to be near invisible to me the next time you try to front with that fake ass smile. don't worry, i ain't gonna sell you out to everybody and embarrass you. but i ain't about to front either. i will simply not invest my time in your bullshit, but always remember, i see you.

BRAAAAPPP!!

cause i got more shots to pop ya, big poppa

still me til it kill me, i love it when they fear me.. holla if ya hear me

I'm an official G.

Official Graduate. check it out :)




what an epic weekend. seriously. i will blog about it another time, those pics took a load off of my blogging energy! enjoy!


ps. i love this pic. wish i could do it ALL OVER.

the emotion that wears thin

Anger. It gets you absolutely nowhere and everywhere in sight. It leads to no good destination but leaves you to fall in every bad pool flawlessly. It is both your strongest, and weakest emotion. Strong that it hurts others, mentally, emotionally, physically, often spreading its own venom. Weak that it leaves you empty and creates voids bigger than your soul's space is able to compensate.

It is the emotion that wears you thin, yet it is the heaviest. The one that makes you sleep less. Think more. Claim to care less yet invest more of your time into blindly giving a shit. It is the emotion that BLINDS. Blinds people into thinking they are right - or even worse, makes people beat themselves up when they think they are wrong. The emotion that builds, creates, dispenses, and with one hand, destroys. Destroys relationships. Destroys friendships. Destroys people.

It begins deep inside and sometimes crawls out slowly. It begins deep inside and sometimes bursts forth with no warning, yet irrepressible. Yet when you are trying to stay mad for all the wrong reasons, the anger seems to fade, and you are left with the remnants of its children; guilt, confusion, despair. Sometimes, if you're lucky, it leaves you with hope - hope that anger is just a small bump. That anger will not overcome. That anger will not be the difference, and instead the fuel to a better tomorrow.

I swear I'm right, cause right now, being angry ain't my thing. I can't keep angry. I don't do angry. I don't want you angry. I just want angry to pack its shit and leave me the hell alone.

Anger. The emotion that I wish made sense before, during, and after. The emotion that I wish I could figure out to its core. The emotion I wish would just stay away from us, yet it keeps coming in between us, begging us to fail. The emotion that has worn me out thin - but I don't want to wear thin. I want to bare strong. I want to grimace and live through it and survive, to simply enjoy your presence.

Except when I'm angry. That's a different story.

not doin too hot

for some reason, when i look for movies i want to watch online, i can't find them.

but when you look for movies that i want to watch online, you ALWAYS find them.

so now i'm sitting here. not a clue what you're up to, but all i know is:
you're mad, and i'm mad. or i'm trying to be.
all this space in the middle with both of our hearts trying to close it. time after time, unsuccessful. yet our hard heads are simultaneously pouring concrete on this space, and throwing weapons of heartbreak warfare, so it maintains its perimeters, overwhelming the both of us (or maybe just me) like an ocean.

that bad. for real.
the reason why i am able to speak to my blog easier than i can to you is beyond me. i wish i wasn't so damn stubborn and sensitive when it comes to you.

this. and this. maybe that's why.

i just want to watch this damn movie.

to always grow.

you know when you feel like things are well, good, but could be a lot better?
and then you just sit around waiting for it to happen? for something to magically spring up and make candy rain from the sky? (or for those who don't like candy... ok, chocolate)
well i'm sick of that. so i'm going to make a list to ensure positive and SUSTAINABLE growth.

1. listen to my surroundings and try to find small, intricate details that make life beautiful.

2. embrace the sunshine and never complain when it rains - actually, to be honest, there's something that i like about the gloomy greyness AND the fresh-scent of being outside on those rainy days. yeah.

3. take the word "hate" out of my vocabulary. the older i get the more i realize how bad a situation must be to actually use that word and mean it. it's not pretty.

4. find something odd or a quality that i like about myself from time to time that i know nobody else embodies.

5. always hug when saying goodbye. or at least give props. hahaha

6. smile back at a guy when he smiles at me... or better yet, initiate the smile war :) better yet - smile at EVERRRRYYYONE

7. try to not swear in public. you never know who's listening!?

8. try to remember how blessed i am every day to be able to feel bloated, sweat in too many layers, have to say sorry for double-booking (sometimes more) my time, and give advice to others about my past heart aches. this only means that there is food to eat, clothes to wear, people to spend time with, and love that i've had and lost, yet people who remain that care about me and what i have to say enough to want to get in touch with my past/present. also, to thank God for my overcompensating optimism for my past perils - hope is a beautiful tool to have.

9. always say thank you. always.

so here i go

i'm perfectly distracted by you

i'm always on this fabulous woman's nuts - not that she has any for real but you know what i mean. GAH. so much talent it hurts.

just wright for me

i have about 3 drafts written up and no juice to get em finished. so maybe another day, after a satisfying long weekend - obstacle course & barbecue (my first love), hip hop in the park (hip hop, the park, lots of black filipinos and real black guys, preach), and seeing THIS movie another time sunday night because i can't wait to see my friends' reactions. DAMN.

if you have time. see that movie. common walking into the door with his hood up is the sexiest thing i have seen all year... trust i was DROOLIN and my best friend was wiping my face the entire time. everyone in this movie is so DAMN beautiful!

basketball AND eye candy!? the plot is predictable but if you're a dog like me (ill admit) the eye candy is WORTH IT aodajdfosadjfadogbasd.



common.. come close to me baaabyyyyyyyyyyy - i never used to be able to listen to this song cause the beat was so, well not blah, but not bam. so thank God for this. this is so smoooooth.

and it ain't no need to cry, i took a vow that from now on imma be my own best friend

anyone who's known me long enough to say they know me knows damn well - i can and always do take care of myself.

independence. it has been, at most times, my strength, persevering in my favor.

but sometimes - it doesn't. there are times where independence is ultimately my down fall.

and i don't think that's a bad thing, it being a down fall. it's just proof that, as much as your hustle should be all about you doin' you or being able to level out with every line to "she got her own," sometimes life hits you just hard enough so you can wake up and appreciate the amazing people around you. your mom nagging you daily because she's concerned about your well being - your best friend texting you with reassurance of her support in case you ever decide to let your walls down and actually talk to her about it - even your boyfriend... just simply trying to be a good boyfriend and gaining both intimacy and progression in your relationship by trying to aide a part of you that you, and your independence, refuse to show.

but it being my downfall really just means i'm being stubborn. yet some people seem to get it confused with me using my independence to mask some sort of indiscrepancy that i have with myself, that i am unhappy with my state of independence.

wrong. hella, triple time, most definitely WRONG.

i am comfortable with being alone. 100% comfortable. in fact, i prefer it more times than not. i am more uncomfortable when i feel myself in the presence of another, as if i am restricted in a way. therefor, my downfall goes hand in hand with me often being guarded. guarded does not entail me being crazy and keepin' checks on everything someone does, but simply, it has everything to do with me. what i allow myself to give (or really, not give) to another person. which part of my mentality i'm willing to risk and "expose." but that insecurity stuff, and me being guarded, does not go hand in hand.

so let me re-iterate, so that whoever is reading this can understand it more clearly.

i am comfortable with being alone. i prefer it. i LIKE it, it's pleasant to me.
so don't assume that you can walk in and ruin that.

2-0 in Orlando's house. that IS boston. i smell victory.

it shines from ya beautiful skin

you sparks my interest/no ma'am i dont know ya/just offerin the common respect i feel i owe ya/also, some conversation, companionship/common ground & common sense

one of THOSE.

you know when you've had such a shitty day and no matter how many good things you've done, by 10 pm you're just like....

i. feel. like. shit.

feels like the world has not moved one bit. feels like everyone important in your life is off doing important things while you're at home doing laundry and packing. feels like nothing good is going to happen. nothing at all. so then you settle for it and promise yourself that tomorrow will be a good day.

and then one little thing happens. it's like someone held out on you for hours or forgot about you since the moment you woke up and BAM.
it happens.
the one good thing, that actually feels good, finally happens.

all that shitty including the bug going into your eye during your bike ride, buying the hot dogs but not the buns, that one guy who is a total douchebag (and it took you forever to realize it), the sun not coming out long enough for you to *attempt* to tan, almost having a heart attack because Orlando came so close to stealing game 1 from Boston, means absolutely nothing.

because of that one small thing, that small phrase, posted on a blog of a person who you don't even know and will probably never meet, seems to override all the negative and put you back into the place you should be. feeling like an all deserving, beautiful young woman with so much to offer.

"It's gonna hurt when it heals too."
- Abi

thank God for that.

ps. RIP & Happy Birthday Grandpa <3 I love you, and I miss you every day.

Not a Single Trace

i find it so mind-blowing how even the most insignificant, clean, and least painful break-ups make you feel like you need to or already have changed the outcome of your life.

okay not your life. maybe like the next couple months.
i don't know how it is for everyone else, but when i date someone, a lot of things happen. lots of plans and ideas are born based on the assumption that we will still be together by that time to do said things.

and then you break up.
and then it doesn't really hurt, cause you weren't really happy.
and then you go on with your life.

but then you are reminded by little things just weeks or even months later - TV commercials, movie releases, some inanimate object, or even just overhearing someone else tell a story of something that shouldawouldacoulda been your story.

skydiving. that new Indian bistro. that movie you still haven't seen. marriage.

maybe you were gonna skydive to overcome his fear of heights. or you were going to try indian food because she's never tried it. or he always watched movies. or , potentially the worst of all (marriage) - she was the one. now you don't care what he's scared of, could give a motha less what she eats, already made plans to see that movie with someone else, or she ended up straight playing your ass for a fool, goodbye engagement ring.

and really the emotions attained from reminiscing on the could-have's are on a wide spectrum. you may feel taken aback, sad, humbled, relieved that he never came through or grateful that you got rid of her crazy ass - or you might just not even give it a second thought and continue your train thought elsewhere.

but maybe, just maybe for a second you think "him and i were supposed to do this and that..." and put that plan away in your heart and vow silently to never let anyone take that from the bond you two shared.

or maybe he just didn't leave a single trace of sovereignty in your heart, your life, anywhere important.

and now you can't wait to execute those masterminded plans with someone who is actually worth it.

aftergrad

aftergrad aftergrad aftergrad. the night we wish we could remember.
i'm saving my rare state of inebriation for the day/night of may 29th.
and after grad? bye bye hair.



adios to the left side of my head, with a more-subtle-than-the-picture chop. considering my hair is so fine & straight, the growing out process will be a breeeeeeeze. hopefully (and probably) it grows out after 6-8 months.. the less hair i have for summer, the better.

lebron james you are still super amazing to me. mo williams god damn. but boston came thru for what was supposed to be the cavs' series... that's okay, love love love <3 see you sunday eastern conference finals! what uuupppp orlando!

speculation

LeBron to the Chicago Bulls.

what a trip. right? all i can say is there will be many heartbroken Cleveland Cavalier fans if this is the case for 2010-2011 & the cavs will never be the same to say the least. james alongside drool-worthy derrick rose? that "doesn't make the bulls automatic champs," but it'll definitely be a shit show. the supporting cast james would have? wow. can't wait to see what happens. game 6 tomorrow against boston!!! it's currently 8:26 pm which means that it's less than 24 hours away which means i can barely contain myself. holy. shit.



ahhhh so hot so hot soooo hot.

besides that though, today is one of those days.
not one of those shitty days, or off days, or messed up days. but one of those beautiful days. where everything turns out so beautifully, and you notice every little detail that contributes to the serendipity which you call your life.

little details like...
- getting the shoes for the event you've been waiting on since you could comprehend its magnitude (graduation) at a discounted price
- having one of your best friends come home from a trip to vegas and feeling like everything makes sense again (hahahah)
- having people tell you that you are glowing... yeaaaa that's like crack for me. foreal :)
- trying on different lipstick shades with your mom at MAC makeup only to find that you hope to grow and age even half as beautifully as she has, if you're lucky; mom, you are the most gorgeous woman alive :)
- coming to appreciate and acknowledge gratefully those people who text you daily; especially the ones who text you every day to tell you how pretty/cute/amazing you are. jl/ey/jn/jf madinsanelove what would i do without you?
- playing volleyball and getting bruises all over your forearms due to a volleyball that is wayyy too hard, but doing it anyway because you get to spend time with your girls in beautiful weather and get an unlimited, guaranteed supply of shits and giggles.
- looking outside to a beautiful sunset to realize that everything in your life is exactly the way it should be, with the people that should be in it, doing the things that you should be doing.

to say that i am blessed, is an understatement. if there is a word for some sort of slice-of-ultimate-divinity in my life, let me know, so i don't have to keep saying sliceofultimatedivinity cause it's a lot to type out haha. thank you to everyone who does their part to keep me sane and glowing, and the ones who did their share of shit so i know to never take the good ones for granted. most of all, i am ever in debt to those who have taught me that relying on myself has got me where i wanted to be - not many people can say that they are standing in a spot that they are content with, but i do :) maybe it's the sun... or all the shit that's in store. whatever it is - i'm on cloud nine, and for once, i can rely on it to come through, because it's all me.

miss independent

This ain’t Pandora, but I SEE YOU. We see you. But we won’t be seeing you for long. And we ain’t mad either. We just want you to know that WE KNOW. Don’t worry, your secrets safe with us. Just remember that when we wink at you and then chuckle afterwards, it’s not because we’re flirting – it’s because we’re laughing inside but still think you’re cute and don’t want you so far outta our lives that we can’t check you out anymore.

- Abi (via girlsarethenewboys)

dealing with players left and right gets tiring. but so does faking contentment with unsatisfying relationships. i'm going back to basics and working on myself, not giving a damn or a minute of my time to anyone who isn't worth it... because i'm that good. but until then, for you foul dudes? you cute and all, but i only look at your face for a second. if you can't match my pace mentally, adios. i see you. but not for long.

good thing there's always men i can depend on in the NBA, though! hahaha. celtics killed it, i feel terrible for lbj. worst playoff loss in the history of the cavs ever? 2nd lowest shooting game ever for lebron? damn. that's the thing about watching two of your favorite teams play each other in a playoff series... it always ends up bittersweet. always. i'm already nervous for game 6 on thursday.

and to end it off, one of those songs that will calm me down and humble me forever. for. EVER.

back on this stuff

i was on tumblr for a minute but i kept this blog. deleted most of the posts and kept a few. what can i say? i'm a sucker for real blogging sites.

most of the blogs that i read often that entail any substance or material worth reading, are on blogspot or wordpress anyway... hopefully being back on this will stimulate some sort of inspiration to write something meaningful. probably not.

i am basically just pouting about how it's playoff time in the NBA, and there is not some cute boy sitting beside me on a couch to watch and call "cash" or "money" with. or to bother about how good-looking some (most) of the players are. or to simply just bicker about the game in front of us. pouting. real. bad. i'll get over it tho, i don't pout for long haha. playoffs got me all crazy, straight up. i will literally avoid making plans or make plans around the games so i can watch them in peace. there is nothing worse than watching a game with someone who knows nothing about anything and asks a bunch of questions. east baby.

graduation in less than three weeks. there is so much to do. shoes, clutch, jewelery, god damn. i was going to tan... and then i decided against it, i will just return to my ever pale state soon afterwards anyway. no use in wasting all those tanning minutes. oriental. for. life. fail

summer! i just want summer... this snow and sun and back to snow is teasing me sooo bad. i just wanna get my summer on. bathing suits and hats and all oiled up, keepin it real. that would be tight if summer just STAYED.